Month: March 2026

“We’ll leave when I feel it in my bones,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “It might be today, and it could be never. No one knows for sure, not even me, but we’ll see what happens.” He shrugs.

“I wasn’t able to serve in Vietnam,” Trump says. “It was sad. So sad, really. I wanted to serve very badly. I tried enlisting many, many times, but the recruitment officer always told me the same thing. ‘We’d love to have you, sir,’ he’d say with tears in his eyes. ‘But I’m afraid your bone spurs are a bigly problem.’ They’re a serious health issue, and it’s amazing you can withstand the pain, but we just can’t accept you into the Army or Marines. It’s a shame, sir. A damn shame because I know you’d be the best soldier ever, and probably be promoted to general faster than anyone in history.”

When The Lint Screen asked whether there was a reason to engage Iran with bombs, Graham again grew agitated.

“Oh, I don’t know, take your pick,” he said, arms flailing. “We wanted regime change, Iran was going to build nuclear bombs, Bibi was going to attack first, and we didn’t want to get shown up, they were planning to kill President Trump so we got their Supreme Leader before they got ours, Iranians have brown skin, they practice some weird religion, we’ve got to prep for Armageddon, so all good, true Christians can be raptured, they asked for it–– how ’bout any of those to name a few?”

“We’ll have Seal Team Six deliver the Kashster behind enemy lines and challenge their leader to a chugging contest,” Hegseth says, smiling. “My G-Man will face off, pop some tops, and let the suds flow until the infidels surrender.”