Hegseth to Deploy Secret Weapon in Iran War: “Kash Force”

As the clown car of the Trump administration fumbles with its rationale for going to war with Iran, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth told The Lint Screen, “My title is Secretary of War, not Defense. Secretary of War makes me sound like a really macho, tough-as-hell dude. It makes people think I’m a guy packing an enormous python in his pants. Secretary of Defense sounds like a liberal apologist–someone who’d call the Gulf of America the Gulf of Mexico. An enemy of the state who must be eliminated for not obeying our Supreme Leader and his MAGA-speak.”

Hegseth high-fived an aide and continued.

“I’m proud to announce we have a new offensive weapon in our deadly arsenal that will take out the Iranian leadership in no time. I’m calling on the Director of the F.B.I. Kash Patel to challenge the Iranians to a drink-off.”

Patel, who recently blew American tax money on a boondoggle to the Winter Olympics, celebrated with the men’s hockey team in their gold medal victory. He enters the press room carrying a case of Budweiser Beer.

“Whassup, my broheim?” Katel says as he lays down the case and dances on top of it. “The Kash Man is here, reporting for duty to guzzle an ocean of beer!”

He and Hegseth fist-bump, then high-five.

“We’ll have Seal Team Six deliver the Kashster behind enemy lines and challenge their leader to a chugging contest,” Hegseth says, smiling. “My G-Man will face off, pop some tops, and let the suds flow until the infidels surrender.”

“You know it, bruh,” Kash says. “Those dudes are gonna be toast!”

Hegseth smiles. “For sure, my man, one hundred percent. Rock and roll. Give them the full-on Kash Force with extreme prejudice. Waste those mullah puffers.”

Patel nods. “You gotski, fam. And just so you know, Petey McSweety, I am a dual threat. I also dominate keg stands. Ain’t never been got.”

“Righteous, bro,” Hegseth beams. “Rock solid.”

The men spend the next few minutes fist-bumping, high-fiving, and dancing happy jigs. A bell rings, and the men freeze, looking frightened.

“Oh-oh,” Patel says. “It’s da boss man,”

“He needs another Diet Coke,” Hegseth says. “I’ll get it.”

“No, me! Me!!!”

“Go to hell, brown man.”

The cabinet members scramble to be the first one to respond to their master.

———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

“