South Carolina Sen. Lindsey “Lady” Graham has been saber-rattling for war with Iran throughout many administrations.
“I’ve always been a strong warhawk,” Graham tells The Lint Screen. “Ever since I was a little boy playing with my Barbies, I would play pretending my dollies were at war. I’d dress them up, put them in high heels, accessorize them, and send them into bitchy battles. I guess it was a coping mechanism for my raging testosterone.”
Graham is a frequent guest at Mar-a-Lago, providing the twice-impeached, convicted-felon President Donald J. Trump with his expert advice.
“The President and I have a special relationship that we formed on the golf course,” Graham says. “He is without a doubt the best golfer in history. I told Trump that if he goes along with Bibi, he could grab all the Iranian oil and put in a puppet leader he could control, like any GOP politician. He liked that idea, then shot yet another hole-in-one, and called ‘steel buns’ Pete Hegseth to draw up the war plans. I admire a man who’s decisive, and our dreamy President is that!”
Soon, the U.S. war machine was put in motion.
“I love a man in a tight-fitting uniform,” Graham swoons. “I’d have been a great warrior on the front lines, but unfortunately, I’m afraid I’m a tad long in the tooth for that now.”
The Senator was ecstatic that he finally found an ally to start the Iranian war.
“It was glorious, and I just had to celebrate,” Lady Graham says. “So I did what those strong, handsome football players do after they win the Super Bowl, and I went to Disney World. It was thrilling to have my pink princess magic wand blowing bubbles to battle the dastardly forces of Maleficent, Evil Queen Grimhilde, and Ursula. I guess you can’t take the warrior out of the boy.”
Graham smiles widely. “You know, maybe I’m not too old to be a brave soldier after all!”
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