Kash Patel Orders FBI Investigation Into “Suspicious Deadly Seashells”

The tide is turning in America.

Fearless & Glorious Leader Donald J. Trump has been winning so much lately that “low-IQ individuals” jealous of his greatness are using seashells as weapons, foretelling potential assassination attempts.

“This is a very dangerous situation,” bug-eyed creep, FBI Director Kash Patel, tells The Lint Screen. “Derranged individuals are using seashells to spell out threatening messages on the beach, like ’86 47.’ And ‘Let’s Give Trump A Good Comeuppance.’ And ‘I Really Don’t Think Much Of President Trump, And He Should Be Removed From Office Immediately Because He Is A Fraud, A Liar, A Felon, A Grifter, A Suspected Pedophile, And A Convicted Rapist. The Man IS Immoral And Not Fit For Public Office.’ We are using the full resources of the FBI to gather potentially lethal messaging seashells.”

Trump’s attack dog, Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, recently brought charges against former FBI Director James Comey for his seashell shenanigans.

“What Comey did was very serious,” Blanche says. “He shared a picture of seashells spelling ’86 47′ on social media, and the president was terrified. He requested extra ‘cuddle time’ with the First Lady for comfort, and she told him to “go straight to hell.” He was so upset, the poor guy stress-ate a bucket of KFC, a sack of Quarter Pounders, and two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s.”

Lady Lindsay Graham is worried sick about the president.

“I do declare he is the best man I have ever met,” the southern belle says in his molasses-drippin’ southern twang. “Donald smells like lilacs and dirty diapers, and the aroma is absolutely intoxicating. We must do everything in our power to protect this great man, who is a wonderful kisser, by the by. President Trump just melts my butter.”

Patel reports that recently, a woman named “Sally” had been apprehended for selling seashells by the seashore.

“We think this could be a major development,” Patel says, chugging a Budweiser. “We believe she may be the mastermind behind an assassination plot.” Patel downs another Bud. “We’re damn good at our jobs,” he says, followed by a loud burp.

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