PD Scullin

“I study remedies carefully and am making significant advances in radical therapies like moose gland, bear cub kidney, and raccoon penis treatments. It’s remarkable the things I’ve learned from my roadkill medicine.”

“I think Pope Leo should keep his cakehole shut when it comes to politics,” the testy eyeliner-wearing Vance tells The Lint Screen. “All his lecturing on what Jesus said is not helping anyone. In fact, sometimes it makes our glorious savior and redeemer, President Donald J. Trump, look bad, and that’s a sin because Donald Trump is all about America first. He is infallible, and the pope should never forget that.”

“You have to re-elect President Orban,” V.P. JD Vance told a Budapest crowd. “He is like a Hungarian Donald Trump, and our glorious president is doing everything he can to make America more like Hungary. That’s what Project 2025 was all about. And we’re getting there, working hard to shut down free press, flooding the media with propaganda– we even have state regime media called Fox News, getting corporate kickbacks for favors, war profiteering, and assembling the most corrupt administration ever. MAGA is now ‘MAH’–– Make America Hungary.” Vance’s phone rings, and he smiles. “I wonder who that could be.” He answers the call.

“The President and I have a special relationship that we formed on the golf course,” Graham says. “He is without a doubt the best golfer in history. I told Trump that if he goes along with Bibi, he could grab all the Iranian oil and put in a puppet leader he could control, like any GOP politician. He liked that idea, then shot yet another hole-in-one, and called ‘steel buns’ Pete Hegseth to draw up the war plans. I love a man who’s decisive, and our dreamy President is that!”

“We’ll leave when I feel it in my bones,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “It might be today, and it could be never. No one knows for sure, not even me, but we’ll see what happens.” He shrugs.

“I wasn’t able to serve in Vietnam,” Trump says. “It was sad. So sad, really. I wanted to serve very badly. I tried enlisting many, many times, but the recruitment officer always told me the same thing. ‘We’d love to have you, sir,’ he’d say with tears in his eyes. ‘But I’m afraid your bone spurs are a bigly problem.’ They’re a serious health issue, and it’s amazing you can withstand the pain, but we just can’t accept you into the Army or Marines. It’s a shame, sir. A damn shame because I know you’d be the best soldier ever, and probably be promoted to general faster than anyone in history.”