“You Democrats want to deny biology,” Bondi snapped at Sen. Jamie Raskin. “Young girls are naturally attracted to successful, rich, powerful men who are hunks. Epstein, President Trump, Bill Gates, Leslie Wexner, Howard Lutnick, and Elon Musk are stone-cold gorgeous specimens of the male form. But they were constantly badgered and abused by these young girls gone wild. It was a travesty, and I will bring justice for the abused men involved.”

“This country was built by white people,” Miller tells The Lint Screen. “But it has been systematically infiltrated by different colored races, causing great destruction to America’s rich history. They’re ruined music. Pat Boone, now that was music. No more. We are going to take back our country.”

When St. Peter gave the judgment, Trump’s lawyers immediately appealed, saying they “would take the case all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.”

“Seriously?” the disciple and Gate Keeper laughed. “Who do these people think they are? Six of those judges will be joining Trump in the lakes of eternal fire. They’d better hope their black robes are made of asbestos.”

“Donroe is a word play on The Monroe Doctrine,” the self-satisfied blowhard tells The Lint Screen. “I invented the wordplay idea myself, right after I created the word grocery. I’m a very clever man. Many people think I’m the cleverest ever. I should get the Mark Twain Award, along with my Nobel Peace Prizes for ending so many wars.”

“President Trump is a very honorable man,” Putin tells The Lint Screen. “He has much love in his heart and is a great humanitarian. Donald has stopped well over a dozen wars since winning the election, which he should not have had to win in the first place, since Biden cheated him in 2016. But being the gentle soul that he is, President Trump suffered the indignity in humble silence for the unity of his nation.”

“Proof is for suckers,” Hegseth snaps. “The president said they’re guilty as hell, and we can kill whoever we want and take the country’s oil as a penalty. Those are Trump rules.”