Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. has the thick, leathery skin of a rhinoceros, but it wasn’t enough to protect him from a Senate hearing today about his job performance.
“I have always been a man of science,” Kennedy said in his opening statement, shirtless and wearing jeans, while doing pushups on the tabletop. “And I take my job very seriously.”
Kennedy was removed forcefully and instructed not to return until he was wearing “appropriate attire.” He returned an hour later in a suit and tie.
“You happy now?” Kennedy mocked his interrogators. “A necktie is nothing but a noose of conventionality, but I’ll play your game to get this witch hunt over with so I can continue saving American lives.”
Under intense questioning, Kennedy admitted some of his health advice may be faulty.
“People could get very sick and die,” Kennedy said. “And that’s a bummer. But science isn’t a miracle worker, you know? That’s why our glorious leader, President Trump, selected me for this important job. I study remedies carefully and am making significant advances in radical therapies like moose gland, bear cub kidney, and raccoon penis treatments. It’s remarkable the things I’ve learned from my roadkill medicine.”
Asked why he was against vaccines, Kennedy bristled.
“Because I’ve never been a fan of needles,” he said. “That’s why I never shot coke, only snorted it off of public bathroom toilet seats. I believe you should treat your body like a temple. Vaccines put holes in your skin, which seems very unsanitary to me.”
In the back of the congressional hearing room, Kid Rock stood and yelled, “Right on, dude! You tell ’em, Bobbie J!”
Security officers removed the MAGA rocker from the room, as Kennedy thrust a fist in the air and shouted to his friend, “We’ll grab some raw milks after this clown show’s over.”
It’s another day in Trump’s America.
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.
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