Vice President JD Vance, a recent convert to Catholicism, is outraged by the 267th leader of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Leo XIV.
“I think Pope Leo should keep his cakehole shut when it comes to politics,” the testy eyeliner-wearing Vance tells The Lint Screen. “All his lecturing on what Jesus said is not helping anyone. In fact, sometimes it makes our glorious savior and redeemer, President Donald J. Trump, look bad, and that’s a sin because Donald Trump was put here on a mission from God to put America first. He is infallible, and the pope should never forget that.”
Vance, who claims to have read the Bible and studied the teachings of the church, thinks the pontiff is wrong in discussing the material world.
“I’ve got no beef with Pope Leo talking about heavenly things,” Vance says. “But keep managing reality to the professionals. He doesn’t need to lecture me, the president, or anyone on what we’re doing to make America great again. Quoting a radical liberal like Jesus Christ doesn’t help matters in the modern world. Jesus lived way before capitalism and probably didn’t understand the great riches buried beneath the sand he walked upon. I mean, let’s get real. The Middle East is oil-rich, and we need to wet our beaks here.”
Vance chuckles. “And all Leo’s pablum Jesus said about no war and loving others as you love yourself is fine to teach in theological schools, but that kind of radical thinking has no place in the real world, where might makes right. Heck, without wars, we wouldn’t need a tough guy like Pete Hegseth!“
Asked if he had any advice for Pope Leo, Vance squints his pretty blue peepers, then opens and gives his full-on smoky-eyed look.
“Drill, baby, drill,” Vance says, smiling. ” I’m quoting from the gospels according to Donald.”
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