Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. has the thick, leathery skin of a rhinoceros, but it wasn’t enough to protect him from a Senate hearing today about his job performance.

“I have always been a man of science,” Kennedy said in his opening statement, shirtless and wearing jeans, while doing pushups on the tabletop. “And I take my job very seriously.”

Kennedy was removed forcefully and instructed not to return until he was wearing “appropriate attire.” He returned an hour later in a suit and tie.

“You happy now?” Kennedy mocked his interrogators. “A necktie is nothing but a noose of conventionality, but I’ll play your game to get this witch hunt over with so I can continue saving American lives.”

Under intense questioning, Kennedy admitted some of his health advice may be faulty.

“People could get very sick and die,” Kennedy said. “And that’s a bummer. But science isn’t a miracle worker, you know? That’s why our glorious leader, President Trump, selected me for this important job. I study remedies carefully and am making significant advances in radical therapies like moose gland, bear cub kidney, and raccoon penis treatments. It’s remarkable the things I’ve learned from my roadkill medicine.”

Asked why he was against vaccines, Kennedy bristled.

“Because I’ve never been a fan of needles,” he said. “That’s why I never shot coke, only snorted it off of public bathroom toilet seats. I believe you should treat your body like a temple. Vaccines put holes in your skin, which seems very unsanitary to me.”

In the back of the congressional hearing room, Kid Rock stood and yelled, “Right on, dude! You tell ’em, Bobbie J!”

Security officers removed the MAGA rocker from the room, as Kennedy thrust a fist in the air and shouted to his friend, “We’ll grab some raw milks after this clown show’s over.”

It’s another day in Trump’s America.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Vice President JD Vance, a recent convert to Catholicism, is outraged by the 267th leader of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Leo XIV.

“I think Pope Leo should keep his cakehole shut when it comes to politics,” the testy eyeliner-wearing Vance tells The Lint Screen. “All his lecturing on what Jesus said is not helping anyone. In fact, sometimes it makes our glorious savior and redeemer, President Donald J. Trump, look bad, and that’s a sin because Donald Trump was put here on a mission from God to put America first. He is infallible, and the pope should never forget that.”

Vance, who claims to have read the Bible and studied the teachings of the church, thinks the pontiff is wrong in discussing the material world.

“I’ve got no beef with Pope Leo talking about heavenly things,” Vance says. “But keep managing reality to the professionals. He doesn’t need to lecture me, the president, or anyone on what we’re doing to make America great again. Quoting a radical liberal like Jesus Christ doesn’t help matters in the modern world. Jesus lived way before capitalism and probably didn’t understand the great riches buried beneath the sand he walked upon. I mean, let’s get real. The Middle East is oil-rich, and we need to wet our beaks here.”

Vance chuckles. “And all Leo’s pablum Jesus said about no war and loving others as you love yourself is fine to teach in theological schools, but that kind of radical thinking has no place in the real world, where might makes right. Heck, without wars, we wouldn’t need a tough guy like Pete Hegseth!“

Asked if he had any advice for Pope Leo, Vance squints his pretty blue peepers, then opens and gives his full-on smoky-eyed look.

“Drill, baby, drill,” Vance says, smiling. ” I’m quoting from the gospels according to Donald.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

While gas prices escalate worldwide and inflation runs rampant in the United States, the Vice President is attending to critically important matters in Hungary.

“You have to re-elect President Orban,” V.P. JD Vance told a Budapest crowd. “He is like a Hungarian Donald Trump. Our brave, genius, glorious president is doing everything he can to make America more like Hungary. That’s what Project 2025 was all about. And we’re getting there, working hard to shut down free press, flooding the media with propaganda– we even have state regime media called Fox News, getting corporate kickbacks for favors, war profiteering, and assembling the most corrupt administration ever. MAGA is now ‘MAH’–– Make America Hungary.” Vance’s phone rings, and he smiles. “I wonder who that could be.” He answers the call on speakerphone.

“Hello to the great people of Hungary,” a familiar blowhard’s voice booms over the phone. “It’s me, your favorite president, Donald J. Trump, commanding you to vote for my good friend Viktor Orban. And you’d better do it, because if my good buddy Orban doesn’t win, the election was obviously rigged, and I will have to wipe out your civilization. I’m serious. Look around you, now imagine everyone dead. Not so nice, is it? That’s what’ll happen if you don’t obey my order. Don’t test me, I’m just crazy enough to do it.”

JD smiles broadly and chuckles, giving a thumbs-up, and mouthing the words, “He is.”

Hungary’s President Orban steps up to the microphone.

“The choice is yours, people,” he says. “Vote for me, or die!”

“That’s a good slogan,” Trump says over the phone. “I’ll use it for Trump 2028.”

JD Vance bows his head and quietly sobs.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

South Carolina Sen. Lindsey “Lady” Graham has been saber-rattling for war with Iran throughout many administrations.

“I’ve always been a strong warhawk,” Graham tells The Lint Screen. “Ever since I was a little boy playing with my Barbies, I would play pretending my dollies were at war. I’d dress them up, put them in high heels, accessorize them, and send them into bitchy battles. I guess it was a coping mechanism for my raging testosterone.”

Graham is a frequent guest at Mar-a-Lago, providing the twice-impeached, convicted-felon President Donald J. Trump with his expert advice.

“The President and I have a special relationship that we formed on the golf course,” Graham says. “He is without a doubt the best golfer in history. I told Trump that if he goes along with Bibi, he could grab all the Iranian oil and put in a puppet leader he could control, like any GOP politician. He liked that idea, then shot yet another hole-in-one, and called ‘steel buns’ Pete Hegseth to draw up the war plans. I admire a man who’s decisive, and our dreamy President is that!”

Soon, the U.S. war machine was put in motion.

“I love a man in a tight-fitting uniform,” Graham swoons. “I’d have been a great warrior on the front lines, but unfortunately, I’m afraid I’m a tad long in the tooth for that now.”

The Senator was ecstatic that he finally found an ally to start the Iranian war.

“It was glorious, and I just had to celebrate,” Lady Graham says. “So I did what those strong, handsome football players do after they win the Super Bowl, and I went to Disney World. It was thrilling to have my pink princess magic wand blowing bubbles to battle the dastardly forces of Maleficent, Evil Queen Grimhilde, and Ursula. I guess you can’t take the warrior out of the boy.”

Graham smiles widely. “You know, maybe I’m not too old to be a brave soldier after all!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Donald J. Trump didn’t have a reason for partnering with Israel to attack Iran; he gave a half dozen different rationales, but his endgame is clear.

“We’ll leave when I feel it in my bones,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “It might be today, or tomorrow, or it could be never. No one knows for sure, not even me, but we’ll see what happens.” He shrugs.

“One thing’s for sure, sir,” chimes in Sec. of Defense Pete Hegseth, “you have unleashed an epic fury of manly warriors, fighting with sweaty muscular bodies, glistening in the sunshine for the triumph of Christianity over the heathen religions. We are battling to burnish your greatness for all time. For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the––”

“I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize,” Trump shouts. “Many, many Nobel Peace Prizes. And my face should be put on Mount Rushmore because I won this war in the first minutes. We obliterated everything in Iran, and now we’re just bombing for the fun of it.”

“And it’s a real gas, sir! I’m having a terrific time and––”

“We took a little excursion to Iran, and they fought dirty by closing the Strait of Hormuz and causing oil prices to go up. No one in a million years could have predicted that would happen. No one.”

“It was a dirty move, sir. They cheated.”

“But Iran wants to make it up to me. The Ayatollah called me the other day, crying with tears in his eyes, and he said, ‘Sir, we’re sorry for not being so nice. I’m going to send you a very special gift.’ I told him I like gifts, but it had better not be a scented candle or a standard-length necktie. I hate those. He promised his gift wasn’t those, and that I’d love his present. And it arrived today, and it is very expensive and valuable. I like it bigly.”

“If he had sent a bad gift, we’d have unleashed more macho on them!” Hegseth says, punching his right fist into his left palm. “I am so jacked with man juice, I wanna kill something!”

“Calm down, Pete, before you have an accident, like last time.”

“Sorry, sir. I’ll pay for the rug, I swear I will. I just got so excited when you said we were going to war.”

Trump reaches into his desk drawer and tosses a rawhide chew toy to Hegseth, who catches it in his teeth and runs away.

“Down, boy!” Trump watches his “Secretary of War” rolling on the floor, delighted with his treat. Trump smiles. “Like everyone in my Cabinet, Pete’s from central casting. He’s perfect.” Trump leans forward, touches his nose, and grins. “I think the Ayatollah gets me. I told him to keep the expensive gifts coming, and maybe we’ll stop the bombing.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Donald J. Trump tells The Lint Screen, “History made me for this moment because I’m a fantastic wartime president. Many people say the greatest one ever, much better than Abe Lincoln or FDR, because I understand what it means to show bravery under fire.”

Although Trump never served in the military, he claims he’s battle-tested.

“I couldn’t serve in Vietnam,” Trump says. “It was sad. So sad, really. I wanted to serve very badly. I tried enlisting many, many times, but the recruitment officer always told me the same thing. ‘We’d love to have you, sir,’ he’d say with tears in his eyes. ‘But I’m afraid your bone spurs are a bigly problem.’ They’re a serious health issue, and it’s amazing you can withstand the incredible pain, but we just can’t accept you into the Army or Marines, or those other things. It’s a shame, sir. A damn shame because I know you’d be the best soldier ever, and probably be promoted to general faster than anyone in history.”

Trump shakes his head as he recalls his fantasy.

“So as much as I wanted to do it, I couldn’t serve in the military,” the charlatan smiles. “But I could serve my country in other ways– by building my real estate empire. I employed millions of people and fueled the American economy like no one’s ever seen before. Trump saved our economy many times. If you watched my huge hit TV show The Apprentice, you know how deadly boardroom battles can be. And no one won more big business wars than Trump.”

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson suddenly pops up from beneath the table.

“That’s right, sir,” the bespeckled weenie bootlicker says, wiping his mouth. “You are the absolute best at everything you do. You are amaz–”

“Shut up, Mike,” Trump says, waving a dismissive hand. “And get me a Diet Coke. Now!”

The little man scurries away as Trump crosses his arms.

“Americans have nothing to worry about in Iran,” he says, adjusting his MAGA hat. “Trump knows how to win wars, because he’s the Peace President. And I have the FIFA and Nobel Peace Prize to prove it.”

Sen. Lindsey Graham appears from beneath the table and says, “I just love me a big, brave man. In a very heterosexual way.”

Trump does a double-take. “Who the hell else is down under there?”

———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.