Felon and suspected pedophile Donald J. Trump is sick and tired of people second-guessing his executive decisions.

“I’m the president, goddammit,” he told reporters yesterday before leaving for a diplomatic trip to China. “Biden and Obama left me one helluva mess to clean up, and I’m doing an incredible job.”

Trump is becoming increasingly irate at reporters from news organizations like The Lint Screen. The nation’s leader mocks anyone with the audacity to question him.

“Are you an idiot?” he replies. “You must be a very low I.Q. person asking a stable genius like me such a stupid question. I’ve aced every cognitive test I’ve ever taken. No one’s ever seen anything like it. I’m much smarter than Lincoln, Washington, and probably God.”

The stinky man’s face reddens.

“My ideas saved America,” he claims. “But I get no thanks for everything I’ve done. We’ve flooded the treasury with thirty or forty trillion dollars thanks to Trump’s brilliant tariffs. And my bombing Iran saved us from a certain nuclear attack. People might whine about paying an extra nickel or dime for gas, but that’s the small price to pay for not being fried to a crisp by a hydrogen bomb.”

According to Trump, this is The Golden Age of America.

“When I came into office, the country was a mess,” Trump says. “I’ve addressed inflation, and groceries are cheap again. I fixed the unemployment problem, improved international relations, we’re the hottest country in the world, and I have classy ideas like building a new east wing, my glorious triumphant arch, painting the reflecting pond like a kid’s swimming pool, putting my face on federal buildings, money, and passports, plus introducing big money-saving ideas like Trump crypto and a gold Trump phone. Americans need to quit being such crybabies. The president of peace is making America great again, and even if it kills you, I’m going to do it.”

He huffed and puffed and farted his way to the helicopter.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The tide is turning in America.

Fearless & Glorious Leader Donald J. Trump has been winning so much lately that “low-IQ individuals” jealous of his greatness are using seashells as weapons, foretelling potential assassination attempts.

“This is a very dangerous situation,” bug-eyed creep, FBI Director Kash Patel, tells The Lint Screen. “Derranged individuals are using seashells to spell out threatening messages on the beach, like ’86 47.’ And ‘Let’s Give Trump A Good Comeuppance.’ And ‘I Really Don’t Think Much Of President Trump, And He Should Be Removed From Office Immediately Because He Is A Fraud, A Liar, A Felon, A Grifter, A Suspected Pedophile, And A Convicted Rapist. The Man IS Immoral And Not Fit For Public Office.’ We are using the full resources of the FBI to gather potentially lethal messaging seashells.”

Trump’s attack dog, Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, recently brought charges against former FBI Director James Comey for his seashell shenanigans.

“What Comey did was very serious,” Blanche says. “He shared a picture of seashells spelling ’86 47′ on social media, and the president was terrified. He requested extra ‘cuddle time’ with the First Lady for comfort, and she told him to “go straight to hell.” He was so upset, the poor guy stress-ate a bucket of KFC, a sack of Quarter Pounders, and two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s.”

Lady Lindsay Graham is worried sick about the president.

“I do declare he is the best man I have ever met,” the southern belle says in his molasses-drippin’ southern twang. “Donald smells like lilacs and dirty diapers, and the aroma is absolutely intoxicating. We must do everything in our power to protect this great man, who is a wonderful kisser, by the by. President Trump just melts my butter.”

Patel reports that recently, a woman named “Sally” had been apprehended for selling seashells by the seashore.

“We think this could be a major development,” Patel says, chugging a Budweiser. “We believe she may be the mastermind behind an assassination plot.” Patel downs another Bud. “We’re damn good at our jobs,” he says, followed by a loud burp.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

King Charles III had a jolly good time on his recent visit to “the colonies.”

America’s wannabe-king, con artist Donald J. Trump, hosted the monarch as he bragged about how well his country is doing.

“America’s hottest country in the world,” Trump crowed. “It’s our golden age. No one’s ever seen anything like it. The economy is booming, my crypto, grifts, and extortion have made me well over $4 billion. Gas and groceries are very cheap. My kids and Jared are making a killing with their grifting games. We’re all getting richer than hell. No wonder I’m the most popular in the world.”

The British king played along as the orange maniac bragged about “the tremendous job I’m doing.”

“The old boy strikes me as a horse’s ass,” King Charles told The Lint Screen. “I doubt his oars have touched water in years. Your leader is frightfully mad. Quite the lunatic.”

Trump took the insults as compliments.

“That’s right,” the tacky occupant of the garish Oval Office said, as he commanded Mike Johnson, Lindsay Graham, and Clarence Thomas to clean the floor with their tongues. “I run everything, all the branches of government, and my puppets will do whatever I ask because everyone loves me.”

King Charles faked a laugh and told the president he “had to hurry back home” because “I left the tea kettle on the stove.”

Trump smiled. “You’re excused.” He turned to reporters. “The monarchs love me.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. has the thick, leathery skin of a rhinoceros, but it wasn’t enough to protect him from a Senate hearing today about his job performance.

“I have always been a man of science,” Kennedy said in his opening statement, shirtless and wearing jeans, while doing pushups on the tabletop. “And I take my job very seriously.”

Kennedy was removed forcefully and instructed not to return until he was wearing “appropriate attire.” He returned an hour later in a suit and tie.

“You happy now?” Kennedy mocked his interrogators. “A necktie is nothing but a noose of conventionality, but I’ll play your game to get this witch hunt over with so I can continue saving American lives.”

Under intense questioning, Kennedy admitted some of his health advice may be faulty.

“People could get very sick and die,” Kennedy said. “And that’s a bummer. But science isn’t a miracle worker, you know? That’s why our glorious leader, President Trump, selected me for this important job. I study remedies carefully and am making significant advances in radical therapies like moose gland, bear cub kidney, and raccoon penis treatments. It’s remarkable the things I’ve learned from my roadkill medicine.”

Asked why he was against vaccines, Kennedy bristled.

“Because I’ve never been a fan of needles,” he said. “That’s why I never shot coke, only snorted it off of public bathroom toilet seats. I believe you should treat your body like a temple. Vaccines put holes in your skin, which seems very unsanitary to me.”

In the back of the congressional hearing room, Kid Rock stood and yelled, “Right on, dude! You tell ’em, Bobbie J!”

Security officers removed the MAGA rocker from the room, as Kennedy thrust a fist in the air and shouted to his friend, “We’ll grab some raw milks after this clown show’s over.”

It’s another day in Trump’s America.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Vice President JD Vance, a recent convert to Catholicism, is outraged by the 267th leader of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Leo XIV.

“I think Pope Leo should keep his cakehole shut when it comes to politics,” the testy eyeliner-wearing Vance tells The Lint Screen. “All his lecturing on what Jesus said is not helping anyone. In fact, sometimes it makes our glorious savior and redeemer, President Donald J. Trump, look bad, and that’s a sin because Donald Trump was put here on a mission from God to put America first. He is infallible, and the pope should never forget that.”

Vance, who claims to have read the Bible and studied the teachings of the church, thinks the pontiff is wrong in discussing the material world.

“I’ve got no beef with Pope Leo talking about heavenly things,” Vance says. “But keep managing reality to the professionals. He doesn’t need to lecture me, the president, or anyone on what we’re doing to make America great again. Quoting a radical liberal like Jesus Christ doesn’t help matters in the modern world. Jesus lived way before capitalism and probably didn’t understand the great riches buried beneath the sand he walked upon. I mean, let’s get real. The Middle East is oil-rich, and we need to wet our beaks here.”

Vance chuckles. “And all Leo’s pablum Jesus said about no war and loving others as you love yourself is fine to teach in theological schools, but that kind of radical thinking has no place in the real world, where might makes right. Heck, without wars, we wouldn’t need a tough guy like Pete Hegseth!“

Asked if he had any advice for Pope Leo, Vance squints his pretty blue peepers, then opens and gives his full-on smoky-eyed look.

“Drill, baby, drill,” Vance says, smiling. ” I’m quoting from the gospels according to Donald.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

While gas prices escalate worldwide and inflation runs rampant in the United States, the Vice President is attending to critically important matters in Hungary.

“You have to re-elect President Orban,” V.P. JD Vance told a Budapest crowd. “He is like a Hungarian Donald Trump. Our brave, genius, glorious president is doing everything he can to make America more like Hungary. That’s what Project 2025 was all about. And we’re getting there, working hard to shut down free press, flooding the media with propaganda– we even have state regime media called Fox News, getting corporate kickbacks for favors, war profiteering, and assembling the most corrupt administration ever. MAGA is now ‘MAH’–– Make America Hungary.” Vance’s phone rings, and he smiles. “I wonder who that could be.” He answers the call on speakerphone.

“Hello to the great people of Hungary,” a familiar blowhard’s voice booms over the phone. “It’s me, your favorite president, Donald J. Trump, commanding you to vote for my good friend Viktor Orban. And you’d better do it, because if my good buddy Orban doesn’t win, the election was obviously rigged, and I will have to wipe out your civilization. I’m serious. Look around you, now imagine everyone dead. Not so nice, is it? That’s what’ll happen if you don’t obey my order. Don’t test me, I’m just crazy enough to do it.”

JD smiles broadly and chuckles, giving a thumbs-up, and mouthing the words, “He is.”

Hungary’s President Orban steps up to the microphone.

“The choice is yours, people,” he says. “Vote for me, or die!”

“That’s a good slogan,” Trump says over the phone. “I’ll use it for Trump 2028.”

JD Vance bows his head and quietly sobs.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.