South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham began foaming at the mouth when reporters questioned him about the rationale for going to war with Iran.

“How dare you?” Graham snapped. “This isn’t a war. It’s more of a brouhaha. A slight tussle, or minor dust-up with a little carpet bombing. I find it outrageous that you would even question the motives of our Supreme Leader for any decision he makes. You know gosh darn well President Trump loves our country and is working hard to make America great again after the shambles Joe Biden left us in.”

When The Lint Screen asked whether there was a reason to engage Iran with bombs, Graham again grew agitated.

“Oh, I don’t know, take your pick,” he said, arms flailing. “We wanted regime change, Iran was going to build nuclear bombs, Bibi was going to attack first, and we didn’t want to get shown up, they were planning to kill President Trump so we got their Supreme Leader before they got ours, Iranians have brown skin, they practice some weird religion, we’ve got to prep for Armageddon, so all true Christians can be raptured, or, maybe they asked for it–– how ’bout any of those to name a few?”

Graham, who spends more time in Israel than in South Carolina, says it’s “crucial” we continue fighting as long as Trump likes.

“The President is spending a lot of time talking with Benjamin Netanyahu,” Graham says. “And he’ll do whatever Bibi wants. Our Supreme Leader is also consulting closely with Vladimir Putin about selling Russian oil to help fund its war against Ukraine. And let me tell you, Zelensky needs to surrender fast. Trump wants to bring peace between Russia and Ukraine, but Zelensky’s ruining his chances for another Nobel Peace Prize. He deserves it. He’s the Peace President.”

Graham sighs and looks dreamily into the distance. “I swear, I think I’m falling in love with that manly man.” The Senator’s face flushes. “My stars and garters, I do believe I’m getting the vapors. Can someone please escort me to my fainting couch?”

The diminutive southern gentleman is led by an aide to the exit.

———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

As the clown car of the Trump administration fumbles with its rationale for going to war with Iran, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth told The Lint Screen, “My title is Secretary of War, not Defense. Secretary of War makes me sound like a really macho, tough-as-hell dude. It makes people think I’m a guy packing an enormous python in his pants. Secretary of Defense sounds like a liberal apologist–someone who’d call the Gulf of America the Gulf of Mexico. An enemy of the state who must be eliminated for not obeying our Supreme Leader and his MAGA-speak.”

Hegseth high-fived an aide and continued.

“I’m proud to announce we have a new offensive weapon in our deadly arsenal that will take out the Iranian leadership in no time. I’m calling on the Director of the F.B.I. Kash Patel to challenge the Iranians to a drink-off.”

Patel, who recently blew American tax money on a boondoggle to the Winter Olympics, celebrated with the men’s hockey team in their gold medal victory. He enters the press room carrying a case of Budweiser Beer.

“Whassup, my broheim?” Katel says as he lays down the case and dances on top of it. “The Kash Man is here, reporting for duty to guzzle an ocean of beer!”

He and Hegseth fist-bump, then high-five.

“We’ll have Seal Team Six deliver the Kashster behind enemy lines and challenge their leader to a chugging contest,” Hegseth says, smiling. “My G-Man will face off, pop some tops, and let the suds flow until the infidels surrender.”

“You know it, bruh,” Kash says. “Those dudes are gonna be toast!”

Hegseth smiles. “For sure, my man, one hundred percent. Rock and roll. Give them the full-on Kash Force with extreme prejudice. Waste those mullah puffers.”

Patel nods. “You gotski, fam. And just so you know, Petey McSweety, I am a dual threat. I also dominate keg stands. Ain’t never been got.”

“Righteous, bro,” Hegseth beams. “Rock solid.”

The men spend the next few minutes fist-bumping, high-fiving, and dancing happy jigs. A bell rings, and the men freeze, looking frightened.

“Oh-oh,” Patel says. “It’s da boss man,”

“He needs another Diet Coke,” Hegseth says. “I’ll get it.”

“No, me! Me!!!”

“Go to hell, brown man.”

The cabinet members scramble to be the first one to respond to their master.

———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

“

The White House is leaking like The Titanic as rats scramble to jump ship. An anonymous source dropped a parcel wrapped like The Maltese Falcon and delivered it to the Washington offices of respected news rag The Lint Screen. Here is an unedited section.

DJT: Good evening, members of my glorious MAGA cult, RINO traitors who will soon pay the price for their treason, and the very bad, not-so-nice, lunatic liberals hellbent on destroying our country, eating our precious babies, who we love so much, I love minors… and the three brave Supreme Court justices, Sam “Sammy Boy” Alito, Clarence “Black on Black” Thomas, and beer bong Kavanaugh. You other six Justices can go to hell for your un-American betrayal.

WAIT FOR STANDING OVATION, SMILE TO THE CAMERA–– REMEMBER TO BREATHE, SIR!

I am proud to report that the state of our union is stronger than it’s ever been. America is back, baby, thanks to my magnificent, unbelievably tremendous leadership! Pay homage, lemmings.

WAIT FOR ANOTHER STANDING OVATION AS ROSES ARE TOSSED ON STAGE ALONG WITH THE UNDERWEAR OF HOUSE MEMBERS. SMILE BIG FOR IVANKA––SHE MIGHT BE WATCHING.

America is officially the hottest country on Planet Earth. Joe Biden and the Democrats destroyed the United States of America. The economy was in the toilet. Illegal aliens were raping and murdering everyone, and eating all the dogs and cats.

WAIT FOR THE CHORUS OF BOOS TO DIE DOWN. RELIEVE YOURSELF IN YOUR DIAPER.

Manufacturing was horrible. Everyone was unemployed. Inflation was like nothing anyone has ever seen before. Penny candy cost ten dollars. And we were the laughingstock of the world. But Americans voted for Trump in an overwhelming landslide to come save the day.

WAIT FOR THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE AS GOP MEMBERS DROP TO THEIR KNEES AND GROVEL IN YOUR GLORY. TAKE A SIP OF WATER — REMEMBER TO SWALLOW, SIR!!!

Sleepy Joe Biden and his insane Democrats cheated me out of the 2020 election. It was awful cheating. Everyone knows that. Rudy and Mike Lindell said so. Trump won by huge numbers, but the Democrats had illegals voting and forced the country into the dark days of Biden.

WAIT FOR THE CROWD TO HANG BIDEN AND PENCE IN EFFIGY. SMILE TO THE CAMERA, COVER YOUR HANDS SO NO ONE SEES THE BRUISING.

Trump got into office, and everyone rejoiced. I fixed the economy with my brilliant tariffs. I brought in $19 trillion with tariffs, and I’ll soon be sending every American who voted for me a check for–– what do you think–– ten million dollars? Okay, then. Done! Ten million!!! You’re all millionaires!!!!!

WAIT FOR APPLAUSE AND HOOTS AND HOLLERS TO SUBSIDE. TURN TO MIKE JOHNSON AND GIVE A THUMBS UP SIGN. BE CAREFUL THAT HE DOESN’T HUMP YOUR LEG.

I fixed inflation. Prices have never been lower. Gas, rent, groceries– a word I made up – they’re all cheap. People can’t believe how little things cost. Cars and homes are also finally affordable. Many of my Mar-A-Lago members have two, three, or even ten houses. They all love Trump!!! They tell me that all the time at our Great Gatsby parties.

WAIT FOR ANOTHER STANDING OVATION. DO YOUR SIGNATURE Y.M.C.A. DANCE. PLEASE DON’T FALL OVER, SIR.

I also brought world peace. Peace like people couldn’t believe. FIFA and Russia gave me special peace prizes. It’s amazing that Trump has ended so many wars but never received a Nobel Peace Prize. None. Can you believe that? So unfair…

WAIT FOR THE BOOS TO END. SHAKE YOUR HEAD IN A DISAPPROVING MANNER.

But Trump didn’t cry about it. Trump is stronger than any man who wears a full face of makeup daily. Do we like that? I’m so handsome.

MUG TO CAMERA, AND WAIT FOR APPLAUSE TO SUBSIDE. TURN AROUND TO MAKE SURE J.D. ISN’T APPLYING FRESH MASCARA.

The speech goes on for 106 more pages. We’ll spare you the details.

---

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

MAGA is all about machismo, and MAHA is dedicated to healthy living. Yesterday, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. posted a lively video featuring him and superstar Kid Rock, stripped down and exercising together.

The two are shown working out on exercise bikes, pumping iron, doing sit-ups and push-ups, plunging into cold and hot tubs (RFK Jr. in his jeans– so cool!), and even playing pickleball. For comic relief, Kid Rock flips off the camera because both MAGA and MAHA have always stood strong for “family values” as opposed to evil Bad Bunny, who won’t talk American!

The kicker of the video shows the two workout buddies drinking whole milk.

The video has been getting mixed reactions.

“I wanted to see them snorting coke on toilet seats,” Sam Relwork tells The Lint Screen. “RFK Jr recently said he used to do that, and I thought it’d be cool to see. Or maybe the guys eating urinal cake gummies, or doing a couple lines of measles.”

“Those buff dudes are so hot,” coos Samantha Woolencott. “But they’re a little too ‘into’ each other, if you know what I mean. Why are all the good ones infatuated with each other? What chance does a girl like me have?”

“Hear me now and believe me later,” declares bodybuilder Hans, “RFK Jr. and Kid Rock are girly men who cannot even pull up their own zippers.”

“We will pump them up!” commands workout partner Franz. “If they don’t cry like little babies who need their puny vaccines because they are so weak.” The pumped bodybuilders laugh.

Grab your jeans, America, work up a sweat, and afterward guzzle some whole milk while you enjoy a sumptuous feast of roadkill.

---

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Attorney General Pam Bondi sat before a House Judiciary Committee today to explain the Justice Department’s half-assed handling of the Jeffrey Epstein files.

“We were protecting the victims,” Bondi testified, “the poor abused men who were caught in the web of entrapment of young women seeking their money and power.”

The blond, crucifix-wearing, holier-than-thou Trump-enabler defended her department’s practice of heavily redacting the millions of files, masking many of the men mentioned and occasionally releasing personal information about the victimized young women involved in Epstein’s child sex trafficking ring.

“You Democrats want to deny biology,” Bondi snapped at Sen. Jamie Raskin. “Let me tell you, young girls are naturally attracted to successful, rich, powerful men who are hunks. Epstein, President Trump, Bill Gates, Leslie Wexner, Howard Lutnick, and Elon Musk are stone-cold gorgeous specimens of the male form. But they were constantly badgered and abused by these young girls gone wild. It was a travesty, and I will bring justice for the exploited, victimized men involved.”

Bondi held on to her Crucifix necklace.

“I believe in God,” she said, tears welling in her eyes. “And God put Donald Trump on this Earth to save us. Thank God for President Donald J. Trump and Kid Rock for saving America from you lunatic liberals.”

Diabolical cretin Stephen Miller sat in the back of the hearing room listening to Bondi, as he smiled. He steepled his fingers and quietly said to himself, “Excellent.”

---

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

In high school, Stephen Miller’s head spent a lot of time in toilet bowls, and now America is paying the price. Miller, who is in charge of the ICE goon squads terrorizing many city streets, says he must be obeyed.

“This country was built by white people,” Miller tells The Lint Screen. “But it has been systematically infiltrated by different colored races, causing great destruction to America’s rich history. They have ruined music. Pat Boone, now that was music. White music’s always been the best. We are going to take back our country.”

Miller has dispatched his army of masked thugs to find “threats to the American way of life,” as the bald cretin calls minorities.

“If you’re not white, we want you out,” Miller says. “This is not racist, it’s common sense. Too many of these minorities have voted for the wrong candidates. They should never have had the right to vote. The same is true for women. The world is run by rich white men– that’s how it’s always been and how it will stay. The strong survive and thrive, and no one is stronger than Donald J. Trump.”

Miller smiles deviously.

“All hail, glorious leader. Heil, Trump!” he shouts, raising his arm suddenly. “I am not a fascist, and we will make America great again!” The bald scumbag goose-steps off the stage. ———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.