The White House is leaking like The Titanic as rats scramble to jump ship. An anonymous source dropped a parcel wrapped like The Maltese Falcon and delivered it to the Washington offices of respected news rag The Lint Screen. Here is an unedited section.

DJT: Good evening, members of my glorious MAGA cult, RINO traitors who will soon pay the price for their treason, and the very bad, not-so-nice, lunatic liberals hellbent on destroying our country, eating our precious babies, who we love so much, I love minors… and the three brave Supreme Court justices, Sam “Sammy Boy” Alito, Clarence “Black on Black” Thomas, and beer bong Kavanaugh. You other six Justices can go to hell for your un-American betrayal.

WAIT FOR STANDING OVATION, SMILE TO THE CAMERA–– REMEMBER TO BREATHE, SIR!

I am proud to report that the state of our union is stronger than it’s ever been. America is back, baby, thanks to my magnificent, unbelievably tremendous leadership! Pay homage, lemmings.

WAIT FOR ANOTHER STANDING OVATION AS ROSES ARE TOSSED ON STAGE ALONG WITH THE UNDERWEAR OF HOUSE MEMBERS. SMILE BIG FOR IVANKA––SHE MIGHT BE WATCHING.

America is officially the hottest country on Planet Earth. Joe Biden and the Democrats destroyed the United States of America. The economy was in the toilet. Illegal aliens were raping and murdering everyone, and eating all the dogs and cats.

WAIT FOR THE CHORUS OF BOOS TO DIE DOWN. RELIEVE YOURSELF IN YOUR DIAPER.

Manufacturing was horrible. Everyone was unemployed. Inflation was like nothing anyone has ever seen before. Penny candy cost ten dollars. And we were the laughingstock of the world. But Americans voted for Trump in an overwhelming landslide to come save the day.

WAIT FOR THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE AS GOP MEMBERS DROP TO THEIR KNEES AND GROVEL IN YOUR GLORY. TAKE A SIP OF WATER — REMEMBER TO SWALLOW, SIR!!!

Sleepy Joe Biden and his insane Democrats cheated me out of the 2020 election. It was awful cheating. Everyone knows that. Rudy and Mike Lindell said so. Trump won by huge numbers, but the Democrats had illegals voting and forced the country into the dark days of Biden.

WAIT FOR THE CROWD TO HANG BIDEN AND PENCE IN EFFIGY. SMILE TO THE CAMERA, COVER YOUR HANDS SO NO ONE SEES THE BRUISING.

Trump got into office, and everyone rejoiced. I fixed the economy with my brilliant tariffs. I brought in $19 trillion with tariffs, and I’ll soon be sending every American who voted for me a check for–– what do you think–– ten million dollars? Okay, then. Done! Ten million!!! You’re all millionaires!!!!!

WAIT FOR APPLAUSE AND HOOTS AND HOLLERS TO SUBSIDE. TURN TO MIKE JOHNSON AND GIVE A THUMBS UP SIGN. BE CAREFUL THAT HE DOESN’T HUMP YOUR LEG.

I fixed inflation. Prices have never been lower. Gas, rent, groceries– a word I made up – they’re all cheap. People can’t believe how little things cost. Cars and homes are also finally affordable. Many of my Mar-A-Lago members have two, three, or even ten houses. They all love Trump!!! They tell me that all the time at our Great Gatsby parties.

WAIT FOR ANOTHER STANDING OVATION. DO YOUR SIGNATURE Y.M.C.A. DANCE. PLEASE DON’T FALL OVER, SIR.

I also brought world peace. Peace like people couldn’t believe. FIFA and Russia gave me special peace prizes. It’s amazing that Trump has ended so many wars but never received a Nobel Peace Prize. None. Can you believe that? So unfair…

WAIT FOR THE BOOS TO END. SHAKE YOUR HEAD IN A DISAPPROVING MANNER.

But Trump didn’t cry about it. Trump is stronger than any man who wears a full face of makeup daily. Do we like that? I’m so handsome.

MUG TO CAMERA, AND WAIT FOR APPLAUSE TO SUBSIDE. TURN AROUND TO MAKE SURE J.D. ISN’T APPLYING FRESH MASCARA.

The speech goes on for 106 more pages. We’ll spare you the details.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

MAGA is all about machismo, and MAHA is dedicated to healthy living. Yesterday, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. posted a lively video featuring him and superstar Kid Rock, stripped down and exercising together.

The two are shown working out on exercise bikes, pumping iron, doing sit-ups and push-ups, plunging into cold and hot tubs (RFK Jr. in his jeans– so cool!), and even playing pickleball. For comic relief, Kid Rock flips off the camera because both MAGA and MAHA have always stood strong for “family values” as opposed to evil Bad Bunny, who won’t talk American!

The kicker of the video shows the two workout buddies drinking whole milk.

The video has been getting mixed reactions.

“I wanted to see them snorting coke on toilet seats,” Sam Relwork tells The Lint Screen. “RFK Jr recently said he used to do that, and I thought it’d be cool to see. Or maybe the guys eating urinal cake gummies, or doing a couple lines of measles.”

“Those buff dudes are so hot,” coos Samantha Woolencott. “But they’re a little too ‘into’ each other, if you know what I mean. Why are all the good ones infatuated with each other? What chance does a girl like me have?”

“Hear me now and believe me later,” declares bodybuilder Hans, “RFK Jr. and Kid Rock are girly men who cannot even pull up their own zippers.”

“We will pump them up!” commands workout partner Franz. “If they don’t cry like little babies who need their puny vaccines because they are so weak.” The pumped bodybuilders laugh.

Grab your jeans, America, work up a sweat, and afterward guzzle some whole milk while you enjoy a sumptuous feast of roadkill.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Attorney General Pam Bondi sat before a House Judiciary Committee today to explain the Justice Department’s half-assed handling of the Jeffrey Epstein files.

“We were protecting the victims,” Bondi testified, “the poor abused men who were caught in the web of entrapment of young women seeking their money and power.”

The blond, crucifix-wearing, holier-than-thou Trump-enabler defended her department’s practice of heavily redacting the millions of files, masking many of the men mentioned and occasionally releasing personal information about the victimized young women involved in Epstein’s child sex trafficking ring.

“You Democrats want to deny biology,” Bondi snapped at Sen. Jamie Raskin. “Let me tell you, young girls are naturally attracted to successful, rich, powerful men who are hunks. Epstein, President Trump, Bill Gates, Leslie Wexner, Howard Lutnick, and Elon Musk are stone-cold gorgeous specimens of the male form. But they were constantly badgered and abused by these young girls gone wild. It was a travesty, and I will bring justice for the exploited, victimized men involved.”

Bondi held on to her Crucifix necklace.

“I believe in God,” she said, tears welling in her eyes. “And God put Donald Trump on this Earth to save us. Thank God for President Donald J. Trump and Kid Rock for saving America from you lunatic liberals.”

Diabolical cretin Stephen Miller sat in the back of the hearing room listening to Bondi, as he smiled. He steepled his fingers and quietly said to himself, “Excellent.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

In high school, Stephen Miller’s head spent a lot of time in toilet bowls, and now America is paying the price. Miller, who is in charge of the ICE goon squads terrorizing many city streets, says he must be obeyed.

“This country was built by white people,” Miller tells The Lint Screen. “But it has been systematically infiltrated by different colored races, causing great destruction to America’s rich history. They have ruined music. Pat Boone, now that was music. White music’s always been the best. We are going to take back our country.”

Miller has dispatched his army of masked thugs to find “threats to the American way of life,” as the bald cretin calls minorities.

“If you’re not white, we want you out,” Miller says. “This is not racist, it’s common sense. Too many of these minorities have voted for the wrong candidates. They should never have had the right to vote. The same is true for women. The world is run by rich white men– that’s how it’s always been and how it will stay. The strong survive and thrive, and no one is stronger than Donald J. Trump.”

Miller smiles deviously.

“All hail, glorious leader. Heil, Trump!” he shouts, raising his arm suddenly. “I am not a fascist, and we will make America great again!” The bald scumbag goose-steps off the stage. ———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

When he is not causing chaos on Earth, convicted felon, sexual assaulter, and suspected pedophile Donald J. Trump often wonders if he’ll be getting into heaven after death. The answer has come in from high above.

“No. Hell, no,” responds Saint Pearly from The Pearly Gates.

The keeper of the keys to The Golden Kingdom said he has been contacted repeatedly by expensive lawyers representing Trump.

“These slick guys offered me cash, Trump crypto, and cars,” the saint tells The Lint Screen. “They say Trump is willing to do just about anything to get into heaven. He wants to make a deal. I reported these offers to The Big Guy, who immediately placed two thumbs down. He said Trump has caused incredible pain and suffering on Earth, and he must pay the price for his lifetime of egregious sin. His decisions are final and everlasting.”

When St. Peter gave the judgment, Trump’s lawyers immediately appealed, saying they “would take the case all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.”

“Seriously?” the disciple and Gate Keeper laughed. “Who do these people think they are? Six of those judges will be joining Trump in the lakes of eternal fire. They’d better hope their black robes are made of asbestos.”

St. Peter grins.

“Mr. Trump’s curiosity about his whereabouts in the afterlife will be settled soon enough,” he said. “And that should give humanity some relief.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

It’s never a good idea to give a child a weapon, let alone the world’s deadliest military force.

But now that man-child Donald J. Trump is Commander-in-Chief, all bets are off, and he has declared his rules of engagement for “The Donroe Doctrine.”

“Donroe is a wordplay on The Monroe Doctrine,” the self-satisfied blowhard tells The Lint Screen. “I invented the idea myself, right after I created the word grocery. I’m a very clever man. Many people think I’m the cleverest ever. I should get the Mark Twain Award, along with my dozen Nobel Peace Prizes for ending so many wars. I’m a peacemaker. Maybe the greatest ever.”

Trump goes on to explain his new doctrine, using small hands to punctuate his points.

“The Donroe Doctrine means I can take any country I want in the Western hemisphere. I’m allowed to abduct its leader and take over the country’s resources. It’s mine, all mine! I’m like a pirate, but instead of a skull and crossbones, I have the Stars and Stripes. And with a trillion-dollar military locked and loaded to kick ass and take names, you better think twice about saying no to my demands.”

Trump tries to puff out his chest, but can’t due to his piggish girth.

“I have a very large brain,” he brags, pointing to his head. “And now I have the muscle to do whatever the hell I want. So watch yourselves, Colombia, Mexico, Cuba, Greenland, and Canada. Because you guys might be next up on the Donroe Doctrine, and I’d hate to see anything bad happen to your pretty little countries if you don’t obey.”

It’s good to be the mad king.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.