South Carolina Sen. Lindsey “Lady” Graham has been saber-rattling for war with Iran throughout many administrations.

“I’ve always been a strong warhawk,” Graham tells The Lint Screen. “Ever since I was a little boy playing with my Barbies, I would play pretending my dollies were at war. I’d dress them up, put them in high heels, accessorize them, and send them into bitchy battles. I guess it was a coping mechanism for my raging testosterone.”

Graham is a frequent guest at Mar-a-Lago, providing the twice-impeached, convicted-felon President Donald J. Trump with his expert advice.

“The President and I have a special relationship that we formed on the golf course,” Graham says. “He is without a doubt the best golfer in history. I told Trump that if he goes along with Bibi, he could grab all the Iranian oil and put in a puppet leader he could control, like any GOP politician. He liked that idea, then shot yet another hole-in-one, and called ‘steel buns’ Pete Hegseth to draw up the war plans. I admire a man who’s decisive, and our dreamy President is that!”

Soon, the U.S. war machine was put in motion.

“I love a man in a tight-fitting uniform,” Graham swoons. “I’d have been a great warrior on the front lines, but unfortunately, I’m afraid I’m a tad long in the tooth for that now.”

The Senator was ecstatic that he finally found an ally to start the Iranian war.

“It was glorious, and I just had to celebrate,” Lady Graham says. “So I did what those strong, handsome football players do after they win the Super Bowl, and I went to Disney World. It was thrilling to have my pink princess magic wand blowing bubbles to battle the dastardly forces of Maleficent, Evil Queen Grimhilde, and Ursula. I guess you can’t take the warrior out of the boy.”

Graham smiles widely. “You know, maybe I’m not too old to be a brave soldier after all!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Donald J. Trump didn’t have a reason for partnering with Israel to attack Iran; he gave a half dozen different rationales, but his endgame is clear.

“We’ll leave when I feel it in my bones,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “It might be today, or tomorrow, or it could be never. No one knows for sure, not even me, but we’ll see what happens.” He shrugs.

“One thing’s for sure, sir,” chimes in Sec. of Defense Pete Hegseth, “you have unleashed an epic fury of manly warriors, fighting with sweaty muscular bodies, glistening in the sunshine for the triumph of Christianity over the heathen religions. We are battling to burnish your greatness for all time. For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the––”

“I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize,” Trump shouts. “Many, many Nobel Peace Prizes. And my face should be put on Mount Rushmore because I won this war in the first minutes. We obliterated everything in Iran, and now we’re just bombing for the fun of it.”

“And it’s a real gas, sir! I’m having a terrific time and––”

“We took a little excursion to Iran, and they fought dirty by closing the Strait of Hormuz and causing oil prices to go up. No one in a million years could have predicted that would happen. No one.”

“It was a dirty move, sir. They cheated.”

“But Iran wants to make it up to me. The Ayatollah called me the other day, crying with tears in his eyes, and he said, ‘Sir, we’re sorry for not being so nice. I’m going to send you a very special gift.’ I told him I like gifts, but it had better not be a scented candle or a standard-length necktie. I hate those. He promised his gift wasn’t those, and that I’d love his present. And it arrived today, and it is very expensive and valuable. I like it bigly.”

“If he had sent a bad gift, we’d have unleashed more macho on them!” Hegseth says, punching his right fist into his left palm. “I am so jacked with man juice, I wanna kill something!”

“Calm down, Pete, before you have an accident, like last time.”

“Sorry, sir. I’ll pay for the rug, I swear I will. I just got so excited when you said we were going to war.”

Trump reaches into his desk drawer and tosses a rawhide chew toy to Hegseth, who catches it in his teeth and runs away.

“Down, boy!” Trump watches his “Secretary of War” rolling on the floor, delighted with his treat. Trump smiles. “Like everyone in my Cabinet, Pete’s from central casting. He’s perfect.” Trump leans forward, touches his nose, and grins. “I think the Ayatollah gets me. I told him to keep the expensive gifts coming, and maybe we’ll stop the bombing.”

———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Donald J. Trump tells The Lint Screen, “History made me for this moment because I’m a fantastic wartime president. Many people say the greatest one ever, much better than Abe Lincoln or FDR, because I understand what it means to show bravery under fire.”

Although Trump never served in the military, he claims he’s battle-tested.

“I couldn’t serve in Vietnam,” Trump says. “It was sad. So sad, really. I wanted to serve very badly. I tried enlisting many, many times, but the recruitment officer always told me the same thing. ‘We’d love to have you, sir,’ he’d say with tears in his eyes. ‘But I’m afraid your bone spurs are a bigly problem.’ They’re a serious health issue, and it’s amazing you can withstand the incredible pain, but we just can’t accept you into the Army or Marines, or those other things. It’s a shame, sir. A damn shame because I know you’d be the best soldier ever, and probably be promoted to general faster than anyone in history.”

Trump shakes his head as he recalls his fantasy.

“So as much as I wanted to do it, I couldn’t serve in the military,” the charlatan smiles. “But I could serve my country in other ways– by building my real estate empire. I employed millions of people and fueled the American economy like no one’s ever seen before. Trump saved our economy many times. If you watched my huge hit TV show The Apprentice, you know how deadly boardroom battles can be. And no one won more big business wars than Trump.”

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson suddenly pops up from beneath the table.

“That’s right, sir,” the bespeckled weenie bootlicker says, wiping his mouth. “You are the absolute best at everything you do. You are amaz–”

“Shut up, Mike,” Trump says, waving a dismissive hand. “And get me a Diet Coke. Now!”

The little man scurries away as Trump crosses his arms.

“Americans have nothing to worry about in Iran,” he says, adjusting his MAGA hat. “Trump knows how to win wars, because he’s the Peace President. And I have the FIFA and Nobel Peace Prize to prove it.”

Sen. Lindsey Graham appears from beneath the table and says, “I just love me a big, brave man. In a very heterosexual way.”

Trump does a double-take. “Who the hell else is down under there?”

———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham began foaming at the mouth when reporters questioned him about the rationale for going to war with Iran.

“How dare you?” Graham snapped. “This isn’t a war. It’s more of a brouhaha. A slight tussle, or minor dust-up with a little carpet bombing. I find it outrageous that you would even question the motives of our Supreme Leader for any decision he makes. You know gosh darn well President Trump loves our country and is working hard to make America great again after the shambles Joe Biden left us in.”

When The Lint Screen asked whether there was a reason to engage Iran with bombs, Graham again grew agitated.

“Oh, I don’t know, take your pick,” he said, arms flailing. “We wanted regime change, Iran was going to build nuclear bombs, Bibi was going to attack first, and we didn’t want to get shown up, they were planning to kill President Trump so we got their Supreme Leader before they got ours, Iranians have brown skin, they practice some weird religion, we’ve got to prep for Armageddon, so all true Christians can be raptured, or, maybe they asked for it–– how ’bout any of those to name a few?”

Graham, who spends more time in Israel than in South Carolina, says it’s “crucial” we continue fighting as long as Trump likes.

“The President is spending a lot of time talking with Benjamin Netanyahu,” Graham says. “And he’ll do whatever Bibi wants. Our Supreme Leader is also consulting closely with Vladimir Putin about selling Russian oil to help fund its war against Ukraine. And let me tell you, Zelensky needs to surrender fast. Trump wants to bring peace between Russia and Ukraine, but Zelensky’s ruining his chances for another Nobel Peace Prize. He deserves it. He’s the Peace President.”

Graham sighs and looks dreamily into the distance. “I swear, I think I’m falling in love with that manly man.” The Senator’s face flushes. “My stars and garters, I do believe I’m getting the vapors. Can someone please escort me to my fainting couch?”

The diminutive southern gentleman is led by an aide to the exit.

———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

As the clown car of the Trump administration fumbles with its rationale for going to war with Iran, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth told The Lint Screen, “My title is Secretary of War, not Defense. Secretary of War makes me sound like a really macho, tough-as-hell dude. It makes people think I’m a guy packing an enormous python in his pants. Secretary of Defense sounds like a liberal apologist–someone who’d call the Gulf of America the Gulf of Mexico. An enemy of the state who must be eliminated for not obeying our Supreme Leader and his MAGA-speak.”

Hegseth high-fived an aide and continued.

“I’m proud to announce we have a new offensive weapon in our deadly arsenal that will take out the Iranian leadership in no time. I’m calling on the Director of the F.B.I. Kash Patel to challenge the Iranians to a drink-off.”

Patel, who recently blew American tax money on a boondoggle to the Winter Olympics, celebrated with the men’s hockey team in their gold medal victory. He enters the press room carrying a case of Budweiser Beer.

“Whassup, my broheim?” Katel says as he lays down the case and dances on top of it. “The Kash Man is here, reporting for duty to guzzle an ocean of beer!”

He and Hegseth fist-bump, then high-five.

“We’ll have Seal Team Six deliver the Kashster behind enemy lines and challenge their leader to a chugging contest,” Hegseth says, smiling. “My G-Man will face off, pop some tops, and let the suds flow until the infidels surrender.”

“You know it, bruh,” Kash says. “Those dudes are gonna be toast!”

Hegseth smiles. “For sure, my man, one hundred percent. Rock and roll. Give them the full-on Kash Force with extreme prejudice. Waste those mullah puffers.”

Patel nods. “You gotski, fam. And just so you know, Petey McSweety, I am a dual threat. I also dominate keg stands. Ain’t never been got.”

“Righteous, bro,” Hegseth beams. “Rock solid.”

The men spend the next few minutes fist-bumping, high-fiving, and dancing happy jigs. A bell rings, and the men freeze, looking frightened.

“Oh-oh,” Patel says. “It’s da boss man,”

“He needs another Diet Coke,” Hegseth says. “I’ll get it.”

“No, me! Me!!!”

“Go to hell, brown man.”

The cabinet members scramble to be the first one to respond to their master.

———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

“

The White House is leaking like The Titanic as rats scramble to jump ship. An anonymous source dropped a parcel wrapped like The Maltese Falcon and delivered it to the Washington offices of respected news rag The Lint Screen. Here is an unedited section.

DJT: Good evening, members of my glorious MAGA cult, RINO traitors who will soon pay the price for their treason, and the very bad, not-so-nice, lunatic liberals hellbent on destroying our country, eating our precious babies, who we love so much, I love minors… and the three brave Supreme Court justices, Sam “Sammy Boy” Alito, Clarence “Black on Black” Thomas, and beer bong Kavanaugh. You other six Justices can go to hell for your un-American betrayal.

WAIT FOR STANDING OVATION, SMILE TO THE CAMERA–– REMEMBER TO BREATHE, SIR!

I am proud to report that the state of our union is stronger than it’s ever been. America is back, baby, thanks to my magnificent, unbelievably tremendous leadership! Pay homage, lemmings.

WAIT FOR ANOTHER STANDING OVATION AS ROSES ARE TOSSED ON STAGE ALONG WITH THE UNDERWEAR OF HOUSE MEMBERS. SMILE BIG FOR IVANKA––SHE MIGHT BE WATCHING.

America is officially the hottest country on Planet Earth. Joe Biden and the Democrats destroyed the United States of America. The economy was in the toilet. Illegal aliens were raping and murdering everyone, and eating all the dogs and cats.

WAIT FOR THE CHORUS OF BOOS TO DIE DOWN. RELIEVE YOURSELF IN YOUR DIAPER.

Manufacturing was horrible. Everyone was unemployed. Inflation was like nothing anyone has ever seen before. Penny candy cost ten dollars. And we were the laughingstock of the world. But Americans voted for Trump in an overwhelming landslide to come save the day.

WAIT FOR THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE AS GOP MEMBERS DROP TO THEIR KNEES AND GROVEL IN YOUR GLORY. TAKE A SIP OF WATER — REMEMBER TO SWALLOW, SIR!!!

Sleepy Joe Biden and his insane Democrats cheated me out of the 2020 election. It was awful cheating. Everyone knows that. Rudy and Mike Lindell said so. Trump won by huge numbers, but the Democrats had illegals voting and forced the country into the dark days of Biden.

WAIT FOR THE CROWD TO HANG BIDEN AND PENCE IN EFFIGY. SMILE TO THE CAMERA, COVER YOUR HANDS SO NO ONE SEES THE BRUISING.

Trump got into office, and everyone rejoiced. I fixed the economy with my brilliant tariffs. I brought in $19 trillion with tariffs, and I’ll soon be sending every American who voted for me a check for–– what do you think–– ten million dollars? Okay, then. Done! Ten million!!! You’re all millionaires!!!!!

WAIT FOR APPLAUSE AND HOOTS AND HOLLERS TO SUBSIDE. TURN TO MIKE JOHNSON AND GIVE A THUMBS UP SIGN. BE CAREFUL THAT HE DOESN’T HUMP YOUR LEG.

I fixed inflation. Prices have never been lower. Gas, rent, groceries– a word I made up – they’re all cheap. People can’t believe how little things cost. Cars and homes are also finally affordable. Many of my Mar-A-Lago members have two, three, or even ten houses. They all love Trump!!! They tell me that all the time at our Great Gatsby parties.

WAIT FOR ANOTHER STANDING OVATION. DO YOUR SIGNATURE Y.M.C.A. DANCE. PLEASE DON’T FALL OVER, SIR.

I also brought world peace. Peace like people couldn’t believe. FIFA and Russia gave me special peace prizes. It’s amazing that Trump has ended so many wars but never received a Nobel Peace Prize. None. Can you believe that? So unfair…

WAIT FOR THE BOOS TO END. SHAKE YOUR HEAD IN A DISAPPROVING MANNER.

But Trump didn’t cry about it. Trump is stronger than any man who wears a full face of makeup daily. Do we like that? I’m so handsome.

MUG TO CAMERA, AND WAIT FOR APPLAUSE TO SUBSIDE. TURN AROUND TO MAKE SURE J.D. ISN’T APPLYING FRESH MASCARA.

The speech goes on for 106 more pages. We’ll spare you the details.

---

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.