When he is not causing chaos on Earth, convicted felon, sexual assaulter, and suspected pedophile Donald J. Trump often wonders if he’ll be getting into heaven after death. The answer has come in from high above.

“No. Hell, no,” responds Saint Pearly from The Pearly Gates.

The keeper of the keys to The Golden Kingdom said he has been contacted repeatedly by expensive lawyers representing Trump.

“These slick guys offered me cash, Trump crypto, and cars,” the saint tells The Lint Screen. “They say Trump is willing to do just about anything to get into heaven. He wants to make a deal. I reported these offers to The Big Guy, who immediately placed two thumbs down. He said Trump has caused incredible pain and suffering on Earth, and he must pay the price for his lifetime of egregious sin. His decisions are final and everlasting.”

When St. Peter gave the judgment, Trump’s lawyers immediately appealed, saying they “would take the case all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.”

“Seriously?” the disciple and Gate Keeper laughed. “Who do these people think they are? Six of those judges will be joining Trump in the lakes of eternal fire. They’d better hope their black robes are made of asbestos.”

St. Peter grins.

“Mr. Trump’s curiosity about his whereabouts in the afterlife will be settled soon enough,” he said. “And that should give humanity some relief.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

It’s never a good idea to give a child a weapon, let alone the world’s deadliest military force.

But now that man-child Donald J. Trump is Commander-in-Chief, all bets are off, and he has declared his rules of engagement for “The Donroe Doctrine.”

“Donroe is a wordplay on The Monroe Doctrine,” the self-satisfied blowhard tells The Lint Screen. “I invented the idea myself, right after I created the word grocery. I’m a very clever man. Many people think I’m the cleverest ever. I should get the Mark Twain Award, along with my dozen Nobel Peace Prizes for ending so many wars. I’m a peacemaker. Maybe the greatest ever.”

Trump goes on to explain his new doctrine, using small hands to punctuate his points.

“The Donroe Doctrine means I can take any country I want in the Western hemisphere. I’m allowed to abduct its leader and take over the country’s resources. It’s mine, all mine! I’m like a pirate, but instead of a skull and crossbones, I have the Stars and Stripes. And with a trillion-dollar military locked and loaded to kick ass and take names, you better think twice about saying no to my demands.”

Trump tries to puff out his chest, but can’t due to his piggish girth.

“I have a very large brain,” he brags, pointing to his head. “And now I have the muscle to do whatever the hell I want. So watch yourselves, Colombia, Mexico, Cuba, Greenland, and Canada. Because you guys might be next up on the Donroe Doctrine, and I’d hate to see anything bad happen to your pretty little countries if you don’t obey.”

It’s good to be the mad king.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

If you notice a pep in the step of felonious Trump, don’t be surprised. Fresh off being awarded the first FIFA Peace Prize, the needy orange lunatic scored another peace award.

Russian President Vladimir Putin announced that Trump was the recipient of the inaugural Russia Peace Prize.

“President Trump is a very honorable man,” Putin tells The Lint Screen. “He has much love in his heart, and he is a great humanitarian. Donald has stopped well over a dozen wars since winning the election, which he should not have had to win in the first place, since Biden cheated him in 2016. But being the gentle soul that he is, President Trump suffered the indignity in humble silence for the unity of his nation.”

Trump was visibly moved upon hearing the news of his award.

“This is a tremendous honor,” he says, eyes watering. “President Putin is a strong man. A very tough guy, and for him to single me out is an incredible accomplishment. The prize is much larger than the ugly Nobel Peace Prize. The Russia Peace Prize is also gold, solid gold, I think. And we like gold very much.”

Trump chokes back tears.

“I’ll say one last thing,” he says. “Zelensky, give back the land you took from Russia. Now! I want peace in Ukraine. Enough of your stupid fighting, you don’t have the cards. If you don’t, I’ll nuke you into oblivion. Don’t try me, punk.”

Spoken like a true peacenik.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Ex-Fox News blabbermouth Pete Hegseth is riding high.

“The fake news media is after my scalp,” Secretary of Defense Hegseth tells The Lint Screen. “All because I ordered repeated drone strikes on a Venezuelan boat. They’re saying it’s a war crime to kill people without proof. Bullshit. These people were definitely narco-terrorists running fentanyl to our shores– I had to take them out. They could have swum to America and ruined our country.”

Hegseth is asked for proof of the drug smuggling operation.

“Proof is for suckers,” Hegseth snaps. “The president said they’re guilty as hell, and we can kill whoever we want and take the country’s oil as a penalty. Those are Trump rules.”

Hegseth appears unconcerned that there are Congressional investigations into his ordering death strikes on two people hanging onto the bombed remains of their boat.

“These politicians think they can score points by crucifying me,” Hegseth says, crossing his arms. “But the joke’s on them. I have the full support of President Trump, so if you want to call what I did a war crime, fine. Call me the Secretary of War Crimes. I have Oval Office air cover, and no one can touch me. I’m a made man, baby.”

Hegseth exhales and mops sweat from his forehead.

“The president always backs his people, one hundred percent,” Hegseth said, giving a thumbs up. “It’s like Hammer said, you can’t touch this.”

Hegseth dances as the Grim Reaper looks on.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald Trump is sweating orange.

The heat has been turning up on the convicted felon and sex offender who resides in a gaudy gold office, as Congress passed a resolution to release the Epstein files. The Senate then unanimously approved the measure, and now it is headed to the Oval Office for Trump’s signature.

“I don’t know if I’ll sign it or not,” Trump says. “I have a lot of paperwork to get through, and this thing sounds like it’s not that important. Who cares what some dead guy did anyway? He’s dead, let God sort it out. I’m busy cutting grocery prices. No one ever even thought about groceries until Trump; I invented the word, and now I’m saving Americans 1,200, even 1,500 percent on their groceries. No one’s ever seen anything like it.”

Trump doesn’t understand why everyone is so obsessed about the Epstein files.

“I’m completely innocent,” he says, waving his hands like a wind-up monkey. “And if my name is in the files, it’s fake. AI. It’s the same thing if there are pictures of me with young girls. I love my wife, what’s her name, very much. Any pictures of me with Epstein or young girls are phony. The Democrats did that with computers. You can do anything with computers. I invented computers, and they’re fantastic things, but they’re dangerous in the wrong hands, like the Democrats, who are out to get Trump. But I’m very innocent. Ghislaine Maxwell said so! She never lies.”

Trump begins blotting perspiration from his forehead with his ridiculously long necktie.

“Why’s it so goddamn hot in here?” he asks an aide. “Turn on the AC, stupid, before I fire you. Where’s Mike Johnson? Get that maggot in here. NOW!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Pervert-in-Chief Donald Trump has been “bigly worried” about the safety of convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell.

“She is a very wonderful person,” Trump says. “Maybe she allegedly did some not-so-nice things, but she’s paying her price to society. She was serving time in a maximum security facility. It was an awful, horrible place. Like a prison, really. So I had her transferred to much better accommodations, where she could get some decent room service, massages, and spa services.”

But that wasn’t enough to satisfy the kindhearted Trump.

“The communist Democrats continue with their ridiculous Epstein hoax,” Trump says, shaking his head in disgust. “And I’m concerned Ghislaine could experience violence. So in the interest of her safety, I’m having Secretary of War Pete Hegseth transport her to Venezuela, where she’ll be put on a fishing boat for safekeeping.”

Trump smiles. “There is no safer place on Earth than a Venezuelan fishing boat. It’s so relaxing and peaceful to be at sea down there. Ghislaine will be very, very safe from the terrible Democrats and their radical agenda of exploiting the Epstein hoax. And should something happen to her, God help the Democrats because I’ll come after them guns ablazing. I believe in justice, law, and order. You can be sure of that.”

Trump gives two thumbs up and grins like a goon.

———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.