In a show of forced toadyism that would make North Korea’s Kim Jong Un blush, America’s glorious leader, convicted felon, twice-impeached, adjudicated sex offender, President Donald J. Trump sat proudly as his Cabinet gushed praise for him.
“My love for you is unbounded, sir,” confessed Vice President JD Vance. “But not in a gay way, Mr. President, because that is just wrong. I love you more than my wife or kids, who I like quite a bit, but my heart truly belongs to you. I’m not ashamed to say I hero worship you, and that doesn’t make me weird.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Trump said. “Whatever. Anyone else?”
“I would gladly die for you, Mr President, your excellency,” said Sec. of State Marco Rubio. “You were sent here by God to save us all. Jesus pales in comparison to you, sir.”
Trump nods his approval. “Jesus was okay, I guess. But he wasn’t Trump.”
“No one is, sir,” gushed Attorney General Pam Bondi. “You have been completely exonerated from the Jeffrey Epstein case. Ghislaine Maxwell, a very trustworthy source, said you didn’t even know Epstein, and you were always a perfect gentleman.”
“That’s right,” Trump said. “Epstein’s a Democrat hoax, like Russia, Russia, Russia. And Ghislaine should be set free. She’s a good person, and a great judge of character.”
“Will do, sir. Also, for the press, there are no Epstein files. Absolutely none. I was only kidding when I said they were on my desk.” Bondi grins.
“Case closed. It’s boring. What else?”
“I’m going after the illegal prosecution of the January 6 patriots. Those responsible must pay for their outrageous behavior of enforcing laws as a way to upset you.”
“Good, Pam. Make them pay bigly. By the way, you look pretty hot today––wait, I probably shouldn’t say that. I could get cancelled.”
Those Cabinet members erupted with laughter.
“Good one, sir,” said JD Vance.
“That’s hilarious, mein savior,” said Howard Lutnick. “You are much funnier than Robin Williams or Nipsy Russell.”
After the laughter dies, Bondi speaks.
“Mr. President, I really want to have your baby. Would you favor me with a tender moment? Pretty please?”
“You’re a real fox, Pam. Maybe. No promises, though. My seed is very special. Does anyone else want to speak their heart about me?”
“I love your leadership, glorious master and icon for the ages,” said Sec. of Agriculture Brooke Rollins. “You have made America great again, and no one else could have done that amazing feat.”
“I love your incredible financial genius, Mr. President,” gushed Sec. of the Treasury Scott Bessent. “You took the tatters of a weak economy that evil Joe Biden left, and your tariffs have reduced inflation to its lowest point ever, and you’ve made every American richer. Incredible!”
“America’s back, baby!” screamed excited Sec. of Commerce Howard Lutnick. “Gas is two bucks a gallon, ground beef’s only ninety-nine cents a pound, and groceries have never been cheaper. They’re practically free! The country thanks you, sir, and we praise you daily. Thanks to your brilliance and bravery, the United States is officially the hottest country in the world.”
“Howie means ‘hot’ as in popular,” explained Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency Lee Zeldin. “He didn’t mean that the temperature is hot because that would imply climate change is real, which we all know is fake news.”
“Right, Lee,” said Director of the Central Intelligence Agency John Ratcliffe. “And the fake news media is very unfair to you, Mr. President. They must stop reporting anything negative about you or your actions under penalty of death.”
“Death’s too good for the lying bastards,” added Sec. of Homeland Security Kristi Noem. “Free speech is outrageous when it’s not in agreement with you. I’d like to send fake news people to Alligator Alcatraz and torture them, very slowly and painfully, so they can experience a taste of their own medicine.”
“Speaking of medicine, there is nothing wrong with your hands or ankles, Mr. President,” said Sec. of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. “You are the picture of great health. An excellent specimen of what every man aspires to be. You are making America healthy again by giving me the mandate to eliminate all vaccines, milk pasteurization, FDA inspections, and by slashing the wasteful funds for medical science and research.”
“Which is ruled by liberal lunatics,” Dictator Trump said. “I’ve cut drug prices by 1500%. They said it couldn’t be done, but Trump did it.”
“Yes, you did, my revered, loved leader,” Sec. of the Interior Doug Burgum said. “I picked up a prescription at CVS yesterday, and they paid me $1,386 to fill it. It was like winning the lottery!”
“You’re welcome, America,” said a smug Trump, crossing his arms.
“You’ve also brought peace to the world, sir,” chimed in Sec. of Defense Pete Hegseth. “You’ve solved seven wars already. You are a true peacemaker.”
“No, Pete, it was twenty-one wars. I’ve made peace in the world. I fixed the war between Russia and Ukraine, and the Middle East. Wherever there were troubles, I brought lasting peace. It’s called the art of the deal.”
“And those nitwits on the Nobel Committee still haven’t recognized you, sir,” said Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard. “It’s absolutely criminal.”
“Should we invade Norway?” Hegseth asks. “We can drop a small nuclear bomb, send in 200,000 troops, and get all the Nobel Peace Prizes for you, my magnificent master.”
“I deserve them,” Trump says. “But not until they mint the Prizes in 24-karat gold. Besides, Pete, we need our troops here to lock down Democrat-run, crime-infested cities. That’s the real disaster.”
“Yes, sir, my esteemed and respected Commander-in-Chief. You are certainly the wisest man in the world…”
The meeting dragged on for another three and a half hours as the pathetic pilot fish circled the insecure, mentally ill shark and heaped him with praise.
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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.
