Captain Cankles sure knows how to pick “the very best people.”
Dictator Donald Trump, close friend of pedophile sex-trafficker Jeff Epstein, named Kash Patel, a man with absolutely no criminal justice experience, to lead the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
“Kash wrote wonderful children’s books about me,” Trump says, grinning. “I loved that. Indoctrinate the kids young. Brainwash early and often, I always say.”
When he was a podcaster, Patel ranted and raved for the release of the entire Epstein files, a massive collection of emails, texts, correspondence, pictures, and names of people who engaged in illegal affairs with the noted perv. He believed the files would topple the Democratic Party. But now that Patel is Trump’s bitch, he’s singing a different tune.
“There’s nothing in them,” Patel swears. “The Epstein Files are mostly recipes and grocery store newspaper ads. I guess he liked BOGOs.”
The slimy weasel was grilled by House Representatives today about releasing all the files.
“I’d love to do that,” Patel said, “but I think many of the recipes are classified. They contain all sorts of secret ingredients. I’d hate for that stuff to get out. We must respect Epstein’s wishes.”
When asked if Trump’s name appeared in the files, Patel shakes his head.
“No, absolutely not. The President is beyond reproach. He’s a god. And when he’s gone, I’ll see him in Valhalla.”
“They begged me to attend,” suspected pedo-President Donald Trump tells The Lint Screen, “but I didn’t feel like it. If China were closer, I would have gone. But I’m too busy overseeing the beautification of the White House, the military occupation of Washington, D.C., and my Department of War’s upcoming invasion of Chicago. What they’re doing to hot dogs and pizza is criminal.”
Although Trump wasn’t at the meeting, he reports that he was dearly missed.
“The guys all gathered for a conference call,” Captain Cankles claims. “They had tears in their eyes. All these big, powerful, strong men were crying–– crying like dogs. ‘Please, sir, please come and join us. We love you, sir, and admire the hard work you are doing to make America great again. You are the best president ever, sir. And we’re not just saying that.’ Trump grins. “No one’s ever seen anything like it. They admire me so much.”
Trump said he was touched when North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un, made an impassioned plea.”Kim and I have a beautiful relationship,” Trump brags. “Kim wrote me love letters. I’m the only one who could bring peace to North and South Korea. That’s 42 wars I’ve stopped so far, but I get no thanks for that.”
Chief Ghoul Stephen Miller rushes into the room and whispers into his master’s ear. He then scurries away as an angry cat chases the vermin.
“Stephen just said the Nobel Committee has not returned any of his calls about my Prizes,” Trump looks crestfallen. “So, we’re going to be forced to bomb Sweden–– it is Sweden, right? Maybe it’s Switzerland. Or is it Norway?” The addled old man shouts to his personal assistant. ” Becky, get Hegseth on the phone. We’re going to war with Sweden, Switzerland, and Norway!”
Captain Cankles inspires great loyalty from his spineless people.
In a show of forced toadyism that would make North Korea’s Kim Jong Un blush, America’s glorious leader, convicted felon, twice-impeached, adjudicated sex offender, President Donald J. Trump sat proudly as his Cabinet gushed praise for him.
“My love for you is unbounded, sir,” confessed Vice President JD Vance. “But not in a gay way, Mr. President, because that is just wrong. I love you more than my wife or kids, who I like quite a bit, but my heart truly belongs to you. I’m not ashamed to say I hero worship you, and that doesn’t make me weird.”
“I would gladly die for you, Mr President, your excellency,” said Sec. of State Marco Rubio. “You were sent here by God to save us all. Jesus pales in comparison to you, sir.”
Trump nods his approval. “Jesus was okay, I guess. But he wasn’t Trump.”
“No one is, sir,” gushed Attorney General Pam Bondi. “You have been completely exonerated from the Jeffrey Epstein case. Ghislaine Maxwell, a very trustworthy source, said you didn’t even know Epstein, and you were always a perfect gentleman.”
“That’s right,” Trump said. “Epstein’s a Democrat hoax, like Russia, Russia, Russia. And Ghislaine should be set free. She’s a good person, and a great judge of character.”
“Will do, sir. Also, for the press, there are no Epstein files. Absolutely none. I was only kidding when I said they were on my desk.” Bondi grins.
“Case closed. It’s boring. What else?”
“I’m going after the illegal prosecution of the January 6 patriots. Those responsible must pay for their outrageous behavior of enforcing laws as a way to upset you.”
“Good, Pam. Make them pay bigly. By the way, you look pretty hot today––wait, I probably shouldn’t say that. I could get cancelled.”
“That’s hilarious, mein savior,” said Howard Lutnick. “You are much funnier than Robin Williams or Nipsy Russell.”
After the laughter dies, Bondi speaks.
“Mr. President, I really want to have your baby. Would you favor me with a tender moment? Pretty please?”
“You’re a real fox, Pam. Maybe. No promises, though. My seed is very special. Does anyone else want to speak their heart about me?”
“I love your leadership, glorious master and icon for the ages,” said Sec. of Agriculture Brooke Rollins. “You have made America great again, and no one else could have done that amazing feat.”
“I love your incredible financial genius, Mr. President,” gushed Sec. of the Treasury Scott Bessent. “You took the tatters of a weak economy that evil Joe Biden left, and your tariffs have reduced inflation to its lowest point ever, and you’ve made every American richer. Incredible!”
“America’s back, baby!” screamed excited Sec. of Commerce Howard Lutnick. “Gas is two bucks a gallon, ground beef’s only ninety-nine cents a pound, and groceries have never been cheaper. They’re practically free! The country thanks you, sir, and we praise you daily. Thanks to your brilliance and bravery, the United States is officially the hottest country in the world.”
“Howie means ‘hot’ as in popular,” explained Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency Lee Zeldin. “He didn’t mean that the temperature is hot because that would imply climate change is real, which we all know is fake news.”
“Right, Lee,” said Director of the Central Intelligence Agency John Ratcliffe. “And the fake news media is very unfair to you, Mr. President. They must stop reporting anything negative about you or your actions under penalty of death.”
“Death’s too good for the lying bastards,” added Sec. of Homeland Security Kristi Noem. “Free speech is outrageous when it’s not in agreement with you. I’d like to send fake news people to Alligator Alcatraz and torture them, very slowly and painfully, so they can experience a taste of their own medicine.”
“Speaking of medicine, there is nothing wrong with your hands or ankles, Mr. President,” said Sec. of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. “You are the picture of great health. An excellent specimen of what every man aspires to be. You are making America healthy again by giving me the mandate to eliminate all vaccines, milk pasteurization, FDA inspections, and by slashing the wasteful funds for medical science and research.”
“Which is ruled by liberal lunatics,” Dictator Trump said. “I’ve cut drug prices by 1500%. They said it couldn’t be done, but Trump did it.”
“Yes, you did, my revered, loved leader,” Sec. of the Interior Doug Burgum said. “I picked up a prescription at CVS yesterday, and they paid me $1,386 to fill it. It was like winning the lottery!”
“You’re welcome, America,” said a smug Trump, crossing his arms.
“You’ve also brought peace to the world, sir,” chimed in Sec. of Defense Pete Hegseth. “You’ve solved seven wars already. You are a true peacemaker.”
“No, Pete, it was twenty-one wars. I’ve made peace in the world. I fixed the war between Russia and Ukraine, and the Middle East. Wherever there were troubles, I brought lasting peace. It’s called the art of the deal.”
“And those nitwits on the Nobel Committee still haven’t recognized you, sir,” said Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard. “It’s absolutely criminal.”
“Should we invade Norway?” Hegseth asks. “We can drop a small nuclear bomb, send in 200,000 troops, and get all the Nobel Peace Prizes for you, my magnificent master.”
“I deserve them,” Trump says. “But not until they mint the Prizes in 24-karat gold. Besides, Pete, we need our troops here to lock down Democrat-run, crime-infested cities. That’s the real disaster.”
“Yes, sir, my esteemed and respected Commander-in-Chief. You are certainly the wisest man in the world…”
The meeting dragged on for another three and a half hours as the pathetic pilot fish circled the insecure, mentally ill shark and heaped him with praise.
Russian President Putin persuades American stooge he should get Ukraine.
Suspected pedophile President Donald J. Trump made a big deal of his meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin yesterday in Anchorage, Alaska. He promised he’d get agreement to a ceasefire or he’d slap the commies with sanctions, but after meeting for three. hours, Trump sang a different tune.
“I think it’s awful what Zelensky has done,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Poor Vlad was minding his own business, and Ukraine started a war with Russia. That’s not very nice, and now many people are dead because of his aggressive action. Zelensky must be stopped from continuing his murderous rage against a neighboring country.”
Trump, who has been campaigning for a Nobel Peace Prize for months, wants to be a peacemaker in the many wars around the world.
“I’ve brought peace by ending so many wars already,” Trump claims. “I settled the Middle East, African wars, Star Wars––all these horrible conflicts––I made them stop. And now I’ll do the same for Russia and Ukraine.”
Trump believes the answer to ending the war is simple: Zelensky must give Ukraine back to Russia.
“You can’t just steal land,” Trump says. “And Vlad has bent over backwards trying to be reasonable, but Zelensky is a madman. He must be stopped, and I’m just the world leader to do it because I am the ultimate peacemaker.
Pedo-Prez Donald J. Trump is sick and tired of “the lunatic free press” who pester him daily about the Epstein files.
“I’ve already told America the story’s boring,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “This Jerry, Jim, Joe Epstein guy is someone I’ve never heard of, and since he’s already dead, it doesn’t matter what he did anyway. But these damn reporters keep asking me about him. I’m fed up with all this Epstein crap, and taking action.”
Trump has called on 1,000 National Guard troops to Washington “for protection” against inquisitive reporters.
“I’m trying to make America great again,” Trump bellyaches, “and no one appreciates how hard I’m working. I’m killing myself for the country, and this Epstein hoax is like an obnoxious fly buzzing my head. I’ve given orders that if someone bothers me about it, they are to be shot. They need to pay a price for wasting my time, and it seems like losing their life is a fair trade.”
Trump sighs heavily.
“If people don’t start giving me credit for the fantastic job I’m doing, I’ll call more National Guard,” he says, crossing his arms. “There will be blood in the streets until America thanks Trump for the incredible job he’s doing. I’m killing myself here, and I’d better start getting the praise I deserve.” He smiles wickedly. “Or else.”
“I’ve been treated very unfairly,” Trump whines to The Lint Screen. “So I’m taking extreme measures to prove that every statement I make is the gospel truth.”
Trump named Ryan Foster Jones as the new “Inflation Czar” of the United States. His most recent position was serving as a lunch delivery person at Fox News in New York City.
“Ryan is a whiz kid,” Trump says. “He knows numbers backwards and forwards, inside and out. He’s smart as a whip. And I’ve had him looking over the latest inflation numbers since I took office and saved the country from the awful depression of Joe Biden’s economy.” Trump nudges his new employee. “Go on, Ryan, tell them what you found.”
“President Trump has done a phenomenal job,” the young man says.
“Prices lower than anyone’s ever seen before. They have so much money they don’t know what to do with it. I told everyone to trust me, Ryan, but fake news is out to get me. Go on, put on the hat. The hat says it all!”
Ryan takes a hat from his back pocket and awkwardly places it on his head.
“That looks great. Tell them what it says,” Trump urges his latest cabinet member.
“Trump was right about everything,” the kid says shyly. “Everything.”
“That’s right. I was right about everything. You’re doing fantastic, Ryan. Keep up the fabulous work. Maybe this will shut up the negative nellies.
