“I was watching TV last night,” he says. “And I saw a news story about two guys who call themselves ‘The Blues Brothers.’ These thugs were driving like maniacs through Chicago streets, going like a bat out of hell, running red lights, swerving everywhere––they could have killed hundreds, probably thousands of people. Police cars were chasing them—so many cop cars. But the not-so-nice guys refused to stop. There was a huge accident, wrecks like nobody’s ever seen before, and all the cop cars crashed into each other. The bad guys got away. I looked at the destruction and said I’ve got to do something about this. Chicago is a hellhole like Portland, and only I can fix it.”
“Now we have tremendous ICE forces, incredible warriors who wear masks so blood won’t get on their faces,” Trump smiles. “We’re sending in an army of troops. We’re going to catch these Blues Brothers and deport them. They’ve got to be illegal immigrants playing that black music. Trump will make Chicago great again.”
Trump gives a self-satisfied smirk.
“Then we’re going to do something about these radical liberal cities under attack from flying monkeys. I saw a news report about them the other night. Communist Democrats have an evil witch who sends flying monkeys to attack their enemies. It’s disgraceful.”
“Our guys made a valiant effort,” he said. “But ultimately, the American Team was a bunch of losers. A disgrace to our country, the world’s hottest country. That must mean the foreigners rigged the games.”
So, to extract justice, the orange madmen dispatched an ICE good squad that arrested the Ryder Cup winners.
“These golfers were all the worst people in Europe,” Trump explained to The Lint Screen. “Murderers, rapists, insane maniacs. They’re thugs with golf clubs. We can’t have those people in our law-abiding country under the greatest leader of all time. Me.”
The golfers were confiscated by a masked army of ICE agents and taken to a nearby airport. They were herded onto a plane and sent to an unknown location.
“All I can tell you is it’s a very nasty prison in a country that knows how to treat not-so-nice people,” Trump said, smiling. “The best part is I got to keep the Ryder Cup.”
He lifts it and beams.
“I deserve this. I’m the greatest golfer ever. And I deserve at least a dozen Nobel Peace Prizes for the 112 wars I’ve stopped.”
Dictator Trump and his medical goons make a startling announcement.
Just when you though it couldn’t get any weirder, it does.
On Tuesday, insane President Perv and his medical trust of Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., and quack Dr. Oz, gave a press conference in which Trump claimed, “Tylenol causes autism in our beautiful little babies, and also plants the crazy idea that there are Epstein files.”
Although the medical research is sketchy, Trump was insistent.
“Tylenol is the worst,” he said. “There are all these delusional people who believe the Epstein files are real, and it’s quite sad, really. Many of these people believe in Santa Claus and the Russia, Russia, Russia hoax, and now they’ve gone overboard by buying into the Epstein files hoax.”
RFK, Jr., stepped up to the microphone. “The President is one hundred percent innocent,” the kooky Kennedy said. “Trust Pam Bondi and the Kash Man, they are excellent investigators and very honest. The President never met Epstein.”
Trump smiles as he pushes the worm-ridden, bear-eatin’ freak to the side.
“So true, Bobby, so true,” Trump agrees. “Tylenol is very dangerous. Don’t take it, mommies, daddies, single people, babies–– you don’t want autism or crazy Epstein ideas swimming in your head.”
Dr. Oz smiles as he reminds the President that he sells some supplements people can take instead to safeguard themselves from autism and crazy conspiracy theories.
“I know what’s best for Americans,” Oz states. “Buy my products!”
“You’re the best, Dr. Oz,” Trump says. “We’re looking out for you and will keep you safe and healthy. Sleep tight, people!”
The team departs for the raw milk bar for a tall glass before they take a dip in raw sewage.
Captain Cankles sure knows how to pick “the very best people.”
Dictator Donald Trump, close friend of pedophile sex-trafficker Jeff Epstein, named Kash Patel, a man with absolutely no criminal justice experience, to lead the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
“Kash wrote wonderful children’s books about me,” Trump says, grinning. “I loved that. Indoctrinate the kids young. Brainwash early and often, I always say.”
When he was a podcaster, Patel ranted and raved for the release of the entire Epstein files, a massive collection of emails, texts, correspondence, pictures, and names of people who engaged in illegal affairs with the noted perv. He believed the files would topple the Democratic Party. But now that Patel is Trump’s bitch, he’s singing a different tune.
“There’s nothing in them,” Patel swears. “The Epstein Files are mostly recipes and grocery store newspaper ads. I guess he liked BOGOs.”
The slimy weasel was grilled by House Representatives today about releasing all the files.
“I’d love to do that,” Patel said, “but I think many of the recipes are classified. They contain all sorts of secret ingredients. I’d hate for that stuff to get out. We must respect Epstein’s wishes.”
When asked if Trump’s name appeared in the files, Patel shakes his head.
“No, absolutely not. The President is beyond reproach. He’s a god. And when he’s gone, I’ll see him in Valhalla.”
“They begged me to attend,” suspected pedo-President Donald Trump tells The Lint Screen, “but I didn’t feel like it. If China were closer, I would have gone. But I’m too busy overseeing the beautification of the White House, the military occupation of Washington, D.C., and my Department of War’s upcoming invasion of Chicago. What they’re doing to hot dogs and pizza is criminal.”
Although Trump wasn’t at the meeting, he reports that he was dearly missed.
“The guys all gathered for a conference call,” Captain Cankles claims. “They had tears in their eyes. All these big, powerful, strong men were crying–– crying like dogs. ‘Please, sir, please come and join us. We love you, sir, and admire the hard work you are doing to make America great again. You are the best president ever, sir. And we’re not just saying that.’ Trump grins. “No one’s ever seen anything like it. They admire me so much.”
Trump said he was touched when North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un, made an impassioned plea.”Kim and I have a beautiful relationship,” Trump brags. “Kim wrote me love letters. I’m the only one who could bring peace to North and South Korea. That’s 42 wars I’ve stopped so far, but I get no thanks for that.”
Chief Ghoul Stephen Miller rushes into the room and whispers into his master’s ear. He then scurries away as an angry cat chases the vermin.
“Stephen just said the Nobel Committee has not returned any of his calls about my Prizes,” Trump looks crestfallen. “So, we’re going to be forced to bomb Sweden–– it is Sweden, right? Maybe it’s Switzerland. Or is it Norway?” The addled old man shouts to his personal assistant. ” Becky, get Hegseth on the phone. We’re going to war with Sweden, Switzerland, and Norway!”
Captain Cankles inspires great loyalty from his spineless people.
In a show of forced toadyism that would make North Korea’s Kim Jong Un blush, America’s glorious leader, convicted felon, twice-impeached, adjudicated sex offender, President Donald J. Trump sat proudly as his Cabinet gushed praise for him.
“My love for you is unbounded, sir,” confessed Vice President JD Vance. “But not in a gay way, Mr. President, because that is just wrong. I love you more than my wife or kids, who I like quite a bit, but my heart truly belongs to you. I’m not ashamed to say I hero worship you, and that doesn’t make me weird.”
“I would gladly die for you, Mr President, your excellency,” said Sec. of State Marco Rubio. “You were sent here by God to save us all. Jesus pales in comparison to you, sir.”
Trump nods his approval. “Jesus was okay, I guess. But he wasn’t Trump.”
“No one is, sir,” gushed Attorney General Pam Bondi. “You have been completely exonerated from the Jeffrey Epstein case. Ghislaine Maxwell, a very trustworthy source, said you didn’t even know Epstein, and you were always a perfect gentleman.”
“That’s right,” Trump said. “Epstein’s a Democrat hoax, like Russia, Russia, Russia. And Ghislaine should be set free. She’s a good person, and a great judge of character.”
“Will do, sir. Also, for the press, there are no Epstein files. Absolutely none. I was only kidding when I said they were on my desk.” Bondi grins.
“Case closed. It’s boring. What else?”
“I’m going after the illegal prosecution of the January 6 patriots. Those responsible must pay for their outrageous behavior of enforcing laws as a way to upset you.”
“Good, Pam. Make them pay bigly. By the way, you look pretty hot today––wait, I probably shouldn’t say that. I could get cancelled.”
“That’s hilarious, mein savior,” said Howard Lutnick. “You are much funnier than Robin Williams or Nipsy Russell.”
After the laughter dies, Bondi speaks.
“Mr. President, I really want to have your baby. Would you favor me with a tender moment? Pretty please?”
“You’re a real fox, Pam. Maybe. No promises, though. My seed is very special. Does anyone else want to speak their heart about me?”
“I love your leadership, glorious master and icon for the ages,” said Sec. of Agriculture Brooke Rollins. “You have made America great again, and no one else could have done that amazing feat.”
“I love your incredible financial genius, Mr. President,” gushed Sec. of the Treasury Scott Bessent. “You took the tatters of a weak economy that evil Joe Biden left, and your tariffs have reduced inflation to its lowest point ever, and you’ve made every American richer. Incredible!”
“America’s back, baby!” screamed excited Sec. of Commerce Howard Lutnick. “Gas is two bucks a gallon, ground beef’s only ninety-nine cents a pound, and groceries have never been cheaper. They’re practically free! The country thanks you, sir, and we praise you daily. Thanks to your brilliance and bravery, the United States is officially the hottest country in the world.”
“Howie means ‘hot’ as in popular,” explained Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency Lee Zeldin. “He didn’t mean that the temperature is hot because that would imply climate change is real, which we all know is fake news.”
“Right, Lee,” said Director of the Central Intelligence Agency John Ratcliffe. “And the fake news media is very unfair to you, Mr. President. They must stop reporting anything negative about you or your actions under penalty of death.”
“Death’s too good for the lying bastards,” added Sec. of Homeland Security Kristi Noem. “Free speech is outrageous when it’s not in agreement with you. I’d like to send fake news people to Alligator Alcatraz and torture them, very slowly and painfully, so they can experience a taste of their own medicine.”
“Speaking of medicine, there is nothing wrong with your hands or ankles, Mr. President,” said Sec. of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. “You are the picture of great health. An excellent specimen of what every man aspires to be. You are making America healthy again by giving me the mandate to eliminate all vaccines, milk pasteurization, FDA inspections, and by slashing the wasteful funds for medical science and research.”
“Which is ruled by liberal lunatics,” Dictator Trump said. “I’ve cut drug prices by 1500%. They said it couldn’t be done, but Trump did it.”
“Yes, you did, my revered, loved leader,” Sec. of the Interior Doug Burgum said. “I picked up a prescription at CVS yesterday, and they paid me $1,386 to fill it. It was like winning the lottery!”
“You’re welcome, America,” said a smug Trump, crossing his arms.
“You’ve also brought peace to the world, sir,” chimed in Sec. of Defense Pete Hegseth. “You’ve solved seven wars already. You are a true peacemaker.”
“No, Pete, it was twenty-one wars. I’ve made peace in the world. I fixed the war between Russia and Ukraine, and the Middle East. Wherever there were troubles, I brought lasting peace. It’s called the art of the deal.”
“And those nitwits on the Nobel Committee still haven’t recognized you, sir,” said Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard. “It’s absolutely criminal.”
“Should we invade Norway?” Hegseth asks. “We can drop a small nuclear bomb, send in 200,000 troops, and get all the Nobel Peace Prizes for you, my magnificent master.”
“I deserve them,” Trump says. “But not until they mint the Prizes in 24-karat gold. Besides, Pete, we need our troops here to lock down Democrat-run, crime-infested cities. That’s the real disaster.”
“Yes, sir, my esteemed and respected Commander-in-Chief. You are certainly the wisest man in the world…”
The meeting dragged on for another three and a half hours as the pathetic pilot fish circled the insecure, mentally ill shark and heaped him with praise.
