President Donald Trump claims that Joe Biden left him a country in shambles.

“Biden was awful,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “He was the worst president ever. He drove the country into a depression, the greatest depression ever, and I got stuck with fixing the huge disasters he made.”

Trump was especially outraged to hear about Biden’s tariff war with China.

“Ol’ Joe was so out of it, he slapped a 145% tariff on Chinese imports,” Trump says, shaking his head in disbelief. “What kind of an idiot does that?! Everything’s made in China these days. My great MAGA and Trump Was Right About Everything hats, mugs, commemorative coins, t-shirts, silk jackets, Trumpinator sex toys, the fantastic Trump Bible, and more–they’re all made in China. Biden was senile and didn’t understand that tariffs increase the cost of imported goods. How could anyone be that dumb? Tariffs are taxes that consumers pay. But Biden started a global tariff war. He was a terrible and very reckless leader.”

Trump used his diplomatic magic to correct the situation.

“I wrote The Art of the Deal,” he boasts. “No one’s ever seen a better negotiator than me. I was able to talk China out of Biden’s ridiculous 145% tariff. I got it down to only 30%. Things from China will now only cost a third more, thanks to me! It’s a much better deal. I saved the economy.”

The big guy claims he is doing a “fabulous job” as president.

“Americans love having me in charge,” he says. “Because they know I’m honest, trustworthy, and predictable. That’s why I’m so incredibly popular. People love having a steady hand at the wheel, and that’s Trump.”

He smiles. “And, of course, the country also gets my big brain! Grocery and egg prices have never been cheaper, and everyone’s getting rich. So rich they don’t know what to do with all their money.“

Projectile vomiting begins in the press room.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump, who was born into fabulous wealth, thinks American children are “spoiled rotten.” His tariff war will have casualties: fewer gifts under the Christmas tree.

“Kids have 8,000 dolls,” the criminal grinch grifter tells The Lint Screen, “and then they take one of their 50,000 pencils and write Christmas wish lists for even more crap. These kids today are not so tough. But I’m going to change that.”

The President is crashing the economy with his boneheaded zero-sum tariff war, which will lead to higher prices for all Americans. He thinks citizens should stop whining and tighten their belts. According to Trump, the inflation pains are only temporary.

“I get world leaders calling me constantly,” he claims. “They cry like babies, and they say, ‘Mr. President, please, sir, please buy my country’s products. You are so strong, sir, and we’re very afraid of you.’ I tell them they don’t have the cards to play. We don’t need foreign products or foreigners.”

Trump says this year, he will give American children “the greatest gift of all––energy.”

The fat man smiles. “We make amazing products right here, like clean coal. Who needs Chinese toys when you’ve got homegrown black gold? American children will love our domestic energy. And when we win my tariff war, we’ll all be so rich we won’t know what to do with all our money. Stacks and stacks of hundred-dollar bills. It’s going to be amazing.”

Vice jock-sniffer J.D. Vance, economic kiss-ass Howard Lutnick, and spineless toady Marco Rubio applaud wildly and praise their fearless leader for his “genius,” “great looks,” and “incredible leadership.” Trump raises an arm and silences their praise.

“And if people are smart,” Trump says. “They’ll invest all their money in $Trump crypto coins. It’s a fantastic investment. The currency of the future. It’s where the smart money’s going.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

While President Donald J. Trump has earned the lowest presidential performance approval ratings for his first 100 days in over 80 years, he is incredibly popular in other countries.

“They love me,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “People can’t get enough Trump in powerful countries like Russia and China. Putin and Xi think I’m killing it. They say I am an tough negotiator. They say I’m very smart and I make the best deals.”

Asked if he is concerned about his horrific approval ratings in the country he leads, Trump quickly dismisses them.

“Those are fake numbers,” he says. “They’re from eggheads with Trump Derangement Syndrome. I’m having Pam Bondi and Kash Patel arrest them for re-education. There will be some new numbers soon. Incredibly high numbers.”

He quickly shifts the conversation back to Russia and China.

“No one’s ever seen the kind of incredible approval numbers I have in those countries,” he brags. “And Russia and China are much bigger than America, so I couldn’t care less what people here think. And if Americans want to criticize me, maybe a little time in an El Salvador prison will change their minds. Joe Biden ruined America. He made our country not-so-great, and I’m picking up the pieces and doing a fantastic job. An amazing job. Everyone says so.“

Toadies Stephen Miller and Howard Lutnick nod in agreement and clap their hands like trained seals.

“That’s right, sir,” they say. “You’re the best president ever. No doubt about it, sir! The absolute best.”

Trump smiles. “See that?” he asks. “The people know! The people know.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Poor little Donnie Trump. Some Americans don’t love him unconditionally. They dare to complain about his undemocratic policies, question his reckless fiscal policies, and question his sanity. When the Big Guy craves affirmation, he calls a Cabinet meeting, and his puppets dance for him.

Here is a partial transcript from a recent Cabinet meeting with his ass-kissing gang of spinless weenies.

VANCE: Mr. President, thank you for your magnificent leadership. I am so proud to be on your team, forging a brave new, prosperous future. You are like Einstein and someone else who’s really smart rolled into one. You’re truly remarkable. I marvel at your brilliance and bravery.

HEGSETH: I also think the President is amazing. Stupendous even. Sir, you are better than God! Much, much better. Everyone should pray to you!

BONDI: I am so proud to work under your bold leadership, sir, and I speak for all women when I say we find you very attractive and want to sleep with you because of your incredible good looks, masculine ripped body, and your irresistible charisma. We want to bear your children, sir!

RFK JR: Sir, you have what the kids call ‘rizz.’ Which I believe is a good thing–– unlike vaccines, fluoride, and medicine..

BESSENT: Mr. President, I want to thank you from every corner of my heart for your brilliant tariff policy, which will make every American wealthier than Warren Buffett. Your leadership will pave the way to unimaginable prosperity.

BURGUM: You are playing 4-D chess, sir!

RUBIO: No. It’s more like 5-or 6-D chess!

DUFFY: You’re both wrong. It’s 100-D chess!!!

LUTNICK: No, you fools! President Trump is playing infinity-D chess!!! Sir, you are truly an economic mastermind. Brilliant in every way!

LOEFFLER: That is so true, Howie. Leaders from every country want to kiss your ass because they respect and fear your strength, brains, and Hollywood good looks.

TRUMP: That’s right, Kelly. They all call me up crying and begging, “Sir, what can we do to please you? We love you, sir, and are very afraid of you. Please, sir, please help us help you make America great again.” (HE GRINS) No one’s ever seen anything like it. They all love me. Everyone loves Trump! What do you think about that?

(ALL CABINET MEMBERS APPLAUD FURIOUSLY, EACH FEARING TO BE THE FIRST TO STOP. THEY CONTINUE CLAPPING UNTIL THEIR HANDS BLEED. FINALLY, TRUMP DIRECTS THEM TO STOP AS AIDES WIPE BLOOD OFF THE TABLE.)

TRUMP: Now, where were we?

NOEM: Sir, because you are the greatest president ever, I think your handsome face should be on the one million dollar bill. No, wait––I meant the twenty million dollar bill!

RATCLIFFE: We should rename Washington ‘Trump Land‘ in your honor.

RUBIO: ‘The United States’ is a tired name, sir. We should rebrand our country ‘The Glorious Trump Empire!‘

(TRUMP SMILES, CLOSES HIS EYES, AND NODS HIS APPROVAL. AS CABINET MEMBERS USE CHAPSTICK AND PUCKER FOR ROUND TWO)

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Although President Trump was convicted of 34 felonies for financial mismanagement, the sweaty golf cheat wants Americans to be patient with his “brilliant tariff strategy” that has cratered the stock market 10% since he took office, and lost $11 trillion in value.

“I inherited the worst economy ever,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Biden had America in another Great Depression, and I had to use my big brain and do something and save us.”

So, Trump devised a cockamamie tariff plan based on some numbers he pulled from his ass.

“I have tariffs on everyone except Russia because Putin likes me.” Trump says. “I’ve even put tariffs on islands where no one lives and one where only penguins live. Penguins have been ripping us off for a long, long time, and so they’re getting big tariffs. Tariffs like they’ve never seen before. Trump is finally standing up to penguin power.”

The man with a firm grip on the GOP discards any criticism of his plan that is decimating the economy.

“Anyone who doesn’t like my tariffs is a panican, a word I made up myself,” he boasts. “They don’t understand business like I do. I have a huge brain in here,” he says, pointing to his shoulder. An aide scurries to help him move his finger to point to his head. “In here,” he repeats. “Such a big brain. I’ll make everyone rich, so rich. They’re not going to believe how rich they become.”

Trump will not tolerate any criticism of his actions.

“I believe in free speech,” he proclaims. “And anyone who doesn’t agree with me will find themselves on a plane flying over the Gulf of America to a little place we call El Salvador.” He smiles. “And maybe ten years in prison will change the panican’s attitude.”

Sit tight, Americans. Boss Daddy will fix everything. ———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.