Convicted Felon twice-impeached President Donald J. Trump isn’t doing anything for the American economy except cratering it, but he’s enriching himself immensely.

“I got a $400 million plane from Qatar,” Trump brags to The Lint Screen, “but I don’t want people to think you have to be a foreigner to bribe me. I accept dirty money from anywhere. In fact, I prefer shaking down Americans because I’m patriotic, but I don’t care if you’re white, black, brown, or yellow, if you’ve got the green, you can play. When it comes to crime, I support DEI.”

To make matters simple, Trump has recently published a “special favors” bribery rate card.

“If you’ve got a conviction, or someone you know is locked up, a million bucks buys you an instant presidential pardon,” Trump says. “If you were a vocal Trump supporter in the past, I’ll even give you a 0.25% discount. And if you’re frequently getting busted, Trump offers a Frequent Pardoners Club– you’ll earn one free pardon after purchasing your first ten.”

But let’s say you’re a shady figure who does pure evil and wants to remain anonymous, you can make “special requests” to the President via his $Trump coin.

“Crypto’s the best scam going,” Trump says. “You buy it, and no one knows anything about it except you, me, and a Swiss banker–– and he ain’t talking, trust me. Call and tell me what you want, and I’ll give you an instant quote. Buy your $Trump coin, and your wish magically comes true. I’m like a genie in the bottle who can grant your every wish.”

Trump smiles broadly. “No one’s ever seen grifting like this before. Only Trump could do anything like this and get away with it. I’m absolutely the greatest huckster ever. And if anyone tries to bust me, I’ll pardon myself.”

“That’s right, boss,” Speaker of the House pious Mike Johnson says. “May I kneel before you?”

“You’re the best, master,” V.P. J.D. Vance says. “And I love you more every day and want to kiss your soft lips.”

“Scram you two,” Trump yells. “You guys are creeping me out.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson “got naughty” with himself and regrets it greatly.

Jack Johnson’s iPhone 16 buzzed wildly as he self-flagellated with a cat o’ nine tales in his bedroom, part of his daily worship ritual.

When the young man looked at his phone, he felt a tightening in the pit of his stomach.

“It confirmed what I feared most,” Jack tells The Lint Screen. “It was my Covenant Eyes app alerting me that my father was on a website with illicit women doing sinful acts of bodily pleasure.” The son bows his head in disgrace. “It was my worst nightmare.”

Jack is the “accountability partner” for his father, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. The app alerts the designated person if their accountability partner is on pornographic websites.

“Yes, it was true,” Mike Johnson confesses. “I went to the website christianhotties.com and pleasured myself.” The bespeckled man removes his glasses and wipes tears from his eyes. “I succumbed to Satan’s temptation. I was so elated that I had shepherded President Trump‘s One Big, Beautiful Bill through the House of Representatives’ approval process that I was compelled to let off a little steam. And tragically, I subjected millions of potential lives to instant death.” He breaks down sobbing. “I killed a future generation of little Mike Johnsons. Imagine what they could have done for White Christian Nationalism.”

“My Pop’s usually a very righteous and pious man,” Jack says. “But now his sinning has brought shame to our family. I will double my self-flagellation sessions on his behalf and beg for the Lord’s forgiveness.”

“The only silver lining is that because of my actions in Congress, millions of poor people will go hungry and have worse health,” Speaker Johnson says. “And the upper 5% will receive healthy tax breaks so that they will be richer. That is something I can take pride in.” He gives a twitchy smile. “I’ll be a hero at Mar-A-Lago.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Donald Trump claims that Joe Biden left him a country in shambles.

“Biden was awful,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “He was the worst president ever. He drove the country into a depression, the greatest depression ever, and I got stuck with fixing the huge disasters he made.”

Trump was especially outraged to hear about Biden’s tariff war with China.

“Ol’ Joe was so out of it, he slapped a 145% tariff on Chinese imports,” Trump says, shaking his head in disbelief. “What kind of an idiot does that?! Everything’s made in China these days. My great MAGA and Trump Was Right About Everything hats, mugs, commemorative coins, t-shirts, silk jackets, Trumpinator sex toys, the fantastic Trump Bible, and more–they’re all made in China. Biden was senile and didn’t understand that tariffs increase the cost of imported goods. How could anyone be that dumb? Tariffs are taxes that consumers pay. But Biden started a global tariff war. He was a terrible and very reckless leader.”

Trump used his diplomatic magic to correct the situation.

“I wrote The Art of the Deal,” he boasts. “No one’s ever seen a better negotiator than me. I was able to talk China out of Biden’s ridiculous 145% tariff. I got it down to only 30%. Things from China will now only cost a third more, thanks to me! It’s a much better deal. I saved the economy.”

The big guy claims he is doing a “fabulous job” as president.

“Americans love having me in charge,” he says. “Because they know I’m honest, trustworthy, and predictable. That’s why I’m so incredibly popular. People love having a steady hand at the wheel, and that’s Trump.”

He smiles. “And, of course, the country also gets my big brain! Grocery and egg prices have never been cheaper, and everyone’s getting rich. So rich they don’t know what to do with all their money.“

Projectile vomiting begins in the press room.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump, who was born into fabulous wealth, thinks American children are “spoiled rotten.” His tariff war will have casualties: fewer gifts under the Christmas tree.

“Kids have 8,000 dolls,” the criminal grinch grifter tells The Lint Screen, “and then they take one of their 50,000 pencils and write Christmas wish lists for even more crap. These kids today are not so tough. But I’m going to change that.”

The President is crashing the economy with his boneheaded zero-sum tariff war, which will lead to higher prices for all Americans. He thinks citizens should stop whining and tighten their belts. According to Trump, the inflation pains are only temporary.

“I get world leaders calling me constantly,” he claims. “They cry like babies, and they say, ‘Mr. President, please, sir, please buy my country’s products. You are so strong, sir, and we’re very afraid of you.’ I tell them they don’t have the cards to play. We don’t need foreign products or foreigners.”

Trump says this year, he will give American children “the greatest gift of all––energy.”

The fat man smiles. “We make amazing products right here, like clean coal. Who needs Chinese toys when you’ve got homegrown black gold? American children will love our domestic energy. And when we win my tariff war, we’ll all be so rich we won’t know what to do with all our money. Stacks and stacks of hundred-dollar bills. It’s going to be amazing.”

Vice jock-sniffer J.D. Vance, economic kiss-ass Howard Lutnick, and spineless toady Marco Rubio applaud wildly and praise their fearless leader for his “genius,” “great looks,” and “incredible leadership.” Trump raises an arm and silences their praise.

“And if people are smart,” Trump says. “They’ll invest all their money in $Trump crypto coins. It’s a fantastic investment. The currency of the future. It’s where the smart money’s going.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

While President Donald J. Trump has earned the lowest presidential performance approval ratings for his first 100 days in over 80 years, he is incredibly popular in other countries.

“They love me,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “People can’t get enough Trump in powerful countries like Russia and China. Putin and Xi think I’m killing it. They say I am an tough negotiator. They say I’m very smart and I make the best deals.”

Asked if he is concerned about his horrific approval ratings in the country he leads, Trump quickly dismisses them.

“Those are fake numbers,” he says. “They’re from eggheads with Trump Derangement Syndrome. I’m having Pam Bondi and Kash Patel arrest them for re-education. There will be some new numbers soon. Incredibly high numbers.”

He quickly shifts the conversation back to Russia and China.

“No one’s ever seen the kind of incredible approval numbers I have in those countries,” he brags. “And Russia and China are much bigger than America, so I couldn’t care less what people here think. And if Americans want to criticize me, maybe a little time in an El Salvador prison will change their minds. Joe Biden ruined America. He made our country not-so-great, and I’m picking up the pieces and doing a fantastic job. An amazing job. Everyone says so.“

Toadies Stephen Miller and Howard Lutnick nod in agreement and clap their hands like trained seals.

“That’s right, sir,” they say. “You’re the best president ever. No doubt about it, sir! The absolute best.”

Trump smiles. “See that?” he asks. “The people know! The people know.”

———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.