Pete Hegseth is sick and tired of “the outrageous accusations” that he shared classified attack plans on Houthi rebels in Yemen on Signal, an unsecured encrypted app.

“I’m being viciously attacked for nothing,” the ex-Fox anchor and now Sec. of Defense tells The Lint Screen. “Everyone knows that Signal is safe, and the information I shared with other officials was absolutely not classified. It was just when and where we were planning to attack enemy combatants. No biggie. I don’t know why everyone’s got their panties in a knot.”

Somehow, Trump’s Keystone Kops Kabinet officials included Jeffrey Goldberg, editor-in-chief of Atlantic magazine, on its text chain.

“Goldberg should be sent to the El Salvador prison for Venezulian gang members,” Hegseth claims. “The guy is a scumbag who committed treason when he released the information. I’m talking with President Trump about how we deal with this traitor.”

Because so many people seem to think communicating top-secret information on Signal is a lousy idea, Hegseth has a brilliant solution.

“I’ve started a private Facebook group for Cabinet officials,” the slick-backed smoothie says. “It’ll be even better than Signal, and we can share more cool emojis. We can even use funny memes from The Office and other popular shows and movies. Those things crack me up! And since it’s PRIVATE, we don’t have to worry about buttisnkis like Goldberg breaking in and ratting us out. That guy is the worst.”

Sounds like a plan, Pete. You’re doing a helluva job!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The Trump administration’s war on D.E.I. is now aimed at the National Football League Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio.

“It’s high time we eliminate woke politics from sports,” says Stephen Miller, henchman weasel for Trump. “We have allowed D.E.I. to rule our professional teams for too long, and we’re taking action to re-instate fairness into the history books.”

Starting next week, the NFL Hall of Fame will begin erasing all traces of minorities who played the game.

“Imagine taking your white child to the Football Hall of Fame,” Miller says. “The poor kid sees so many black faces immortalized, he naturally becomes sad. What chance does he have to play? The child may never even attempt to play football, and who knows––maybe he could have been one of the greats if it hadn’t been for his exposure to D.E.I. at a young age. It’s a tragedy how this woke policy has destroyed the self-confidence of white people.”

Miller is proud to have all tributes to nonwhite players removed.

“This is the only way to balance the playing field,” Miller says. “And when we’re done cleaning up this place, we’ll be moving on to the basketball and baseball hall of fames. I think they may also have some minorities included because of wokeness. And once we eliminate all traces of D.E.I., we’ll be taking another small step toward making America great again. Go Team MAGA!”

Miller pumps his tiny fist into the air, loses his balance, and stumbles, falling face first on to the floor. He scrambles to his feet.

“I’d probably be in the Football Hall of Fame if it weren’t for D.E.I.,” he says walking away.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Convicted felon and President Donald Trump sees monsters in every shadow, and he never admits a mistake because he wears a hat that declares, “TRUMP WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING.”

Commander Crybaby accepts no responsibility for the skyrocketing price of eggs, a problem he assured voters he would fix on day one of his presidency.

“It’s all Joe Biden’s fault,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Biden told the chickens to stop laying so many eggs, limiting supply and driving the prices up. It was his not-so-nice plan to make me look bad. It’s very unfair. Biden’s chickens are terrorists, trying to make America’s favorite president look bad.”

Trump is proud of the mayhem he has caused since entering the Oval Office.

“I’ve had the U.S. join the axis of evil,” he says. “I’ve alienated our allies, started trade wars with tariffs that will make Americans so rich they won’t believe how much money they have, and I’ve built the strongest stock market ever. I’ve also shredded the Constitution because who needs those old laws? Trump’s in charge, so everything’s great! Everywhere I go, Republicans are telling me they’ve never seen anything like it. They love my presidenting. People love me. I am doing an incredible job. I’m definitely better than God, who is a very overrated deity, in my opinion.”

But what about the price of eggs? Trump’s agriculture secretary, Brooke Rollins, recommends that people raise chickens in their backyard.

“That’s a great idea,” the bossman bully says. “And if people are too unpatriotic to do that, stop buying Biden’s overpriced eggs and complaining. I’ve instructed my I.C.E. goon squads to round up the chickens and take them to KFC. Once they’re battered and deep-fried, they’ll know who’s in charge.”

Co-president Elon Musk and Mike Johnson enter the Oval Office and fight over who will pop a grape into their master’s mouth.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Mascara-wearin’ Vice President JD Vance is having a hissy fit.

“What Zelensky did in the Oval Office last week was a disgrace,” Vance tells The Lint Screen. “President Trump was gracious and cordial as always, and this Ukranian punk comes strutting in like he’s hot stuff. He was dressed like he was going to a carnival, not to meet with the most fantastic president America has ever had. Zelensky was rude and uncouth, and he offended every American.”

Vance was a bulldog in the meeting, brow-beating Zelensky for not being effusive enough in his gratitude and praise of President Trump.

“You would think Zelensky would bend over backward to thank President Trump,” Vance said. “But he didn’t grovel. He didn’t bow and scrape. He didn’t lavish our glorious leader with praise for his brilliance and unparalleled leadership. No. Zelensky acted like he was the victim. But President Trump and President Putin are the ones who have suffered from political witch hunts, not him.”

The Veep has had his fill of the Ukranian president.

“If Zelensky doesn’t apologize quickly, on worldwide TV, we will have to nuke what’s left of his country,” Vance said. “He never should have picked on Russia in the first place, and America has always stood up to bullies like Zelensky. We must protect our trusted allies like President Putin. He believes in our country so much that he bought a bunch of President Trump’s meme coins, $TRUMP. A huge amount. That’s what a true ally does–he supports his friend. It’s your move, Zelensky. Beg forgiveness and buy a stash of $TRUMP. Don’t make us mushroom cloud you.”

An aide informs Vance that Sephora is having a rouge sale, and the excited Vice President scurries out of the room.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Billionaire Elon Musk is quite the scamp.

The DOGE head recently made headlines at CPAC when he brandished a chainsaw and waved it around.

“Look at me, everyone,” he crowed. “I’m just like one of the big boys!”

Musk and his army of 20-something jock-sniffers have been indiscriminately slashing the federal workforce and gathering personal information on every American. While many of the cuts they’ve made later were considered essential personnel, the government is scrambling as it attempts to hire them back. Musk dismisses criticism that he and his crew are performing surgery with a chainsaw.

“Don’t worry,” Musk tells The Lint Screen. “I have been empowered by glorious President Trump, who has never made a mistake; therefore, I also never make boo-boos. I’m so confident in my chainsaw skills that I am going to perform a circumcision on my latest bastard child. And I will do an excellent job.”

Musk has sired thirteen children with a mix of wives and baby mamas.

“Women naturally love me,” he says, tipping his black MAGA cap. “I have a fantastic personality, ooze charisma, got more money than God, fashion model looks, and I’m a lot of fun to be around. Like President Trump, I firmly believe in Christian family values. One day, I even hope to meet some of my children. At least the kids who will talk to me.”

Musk powers up his chainsaw, is startled by the noise, drops it on the floor, and almost chops off his foot. The world’s richest man runs off-stage screaming.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Felon President Donald Trump is outraged by “the horrible, illegal land grab Zelensky made” and wants justice.

“Zelensky’s a thief,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Putin was living peacefully in Russia, a big, beautiful country, and Zelensky stole a large chunk of Russia and called it his own. No one’s ever seen such an aggressive move.” Trump shakes his head. “Many people think it was the biggest crime of the century, and I agree.”

Ukraine has been defending itself against Russian troops that invaded it in February 2022.

“Putin just wants what’s his,” Trump says. “He asked Zelensky politely, but that madman refused. He went on a killing rampage against Russian citizens. He is not such a nice a man, Zelensky. He’s a thug and a thief.”

Trump has always believed in the rule of law.

“When you own something, it’s yours,” Trump says. “And Putin owned Russia. There is no such place as Ukraine. It’s fake–– like Oz, or Los Angeles. I am demanding Zelensky immediately gives back what he stole. Putin is like me, we’re men who believe in character, integrity, and courage. And Zelensky is a cruel coward.”

Trump gets red in his orange face.

“If Zelensky doesn’t give back the land he stole,” he says, “some not so nice things might happen to him. I have nuclear weapons, punk. Don’t test me.”

He smiles. “It’s good to be the king,” Trump says, as a flock of GOP fluffers enter the Oval Office. “It’s even better to be God.”

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.