Mascara-wearin’ Vice President JD Vance is having a hissy fit.

“What Zelensky did in the Oval Office last week was a disgrace,” Vance tells The Lint Screen. “President Trump was gracious and cordial as always, and this Ukranian punk comes strutting in like he’s hot stuff. He was dressed like he was going to a carnival, not to meet with the most fantastic president America has ever had. Zelensky was rude and uncouth, and he offended every American.”

Vance was a bulldog in the meeting, brow-beating Zelensky for not being effusive enough in his gratitude and praise of President Trump.

“You would think Zelensky would bend over backward to thank President Trump,” Vance said. “But he didn’t grovel. He didn’t bow and scrape. He didn’t lavish our glorious leader with praise for his brilliance and unparalleled leadership. No. Zelensky acted like he was the victim. But President Trump and President Putin are the ones who have suffered from political witch hunts, not him.”

The Veep has had his fill of the Ukranian president.

“If Zelensky doesn’t apologize quickly, on worldwide TV, we will have to nuke what’s left of his country,” Vance said. “He never should have picked on Russia in the first place, and America has always stood up to bullies like Zelensky. We must protect our trusted allies like President Putin. He believes in our country so much that he bought a bunch of President Trump’s meme coins, $TRUMP. A huge amount. That’s what a true ally does–he supports his friend. It’s your move, Zelensky. Beg forgiveness and buy a stash of $TRUMP. Don’t make us mushroom cloud you.”

An aide informs Vance that Sephora is having a rouge sale, and the excited Vice President scurries out of the room.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Billionaire Elon Musk is quite the scamp.

The DOGE head recently made headlines at CPAC when he brandished a chainsaw and waved it around.

“Look at me, everyone,” he crowed. “I’m just like one of the big boys!”

Musk and his army of 20-something jock-sniffers have been indiscriminately slashing the federal workforce and gathering personal information on every American. While many of the cuts they’ve made later were considered essential personnel, the government is scrambling as it attempts to hire them back. Musk dismisses criticism that he and his crew are performing surgery with a chainsaw.

“Don’t worry,” Musk tells The Lint Screen. “I have been empowered by glorious President Trump, who has never made a mistake; therefore, I also never make boo-boos. I’m so confident in my chainsaw skills that I am going to perform a circumcision on my latest bastard child. And I will do an excellent job.”

Musk has sired thirteen children with a mix of wives and baby mamas.

“Women naturally love me,” he says, tipping his black MAGA cap. “I have a fantastic personality, ooze charisma, got more money than God, fashion model looks, and I’m a lot of fun to be around. Like President Trump, I firmly believe in Christian family values. One day, I even hope to meet some of my children. At least the kids who will talk to me.”

Musk powers up his chainsaw, is startled by the noise, drops it on the floor, and almost chops off his foot. The world’s richest man runs off-stage screaming.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Felon President Donald Trump is outraged by “the horrible, illegal land grab Zelensky made” and wants justice.

“Zelensky’s a thief,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Putin was living peacefully in Russia, a big, beautiful country, and Zelensky stole a large chunk of Russia and called it his own. No one’s ever seen such an aggressive move.” Trump shakes his head. “Many people think it was the biggest crime of the century, and I agree.”

Ukraine has been defending itself against Russian troops that invaded it in February 2022.

“Putin just wants what’s his,” Trump says. “He asked Zelensky politely, but that madman refused. He went on a killing rampage against Russian citizens. He is not such a nice a man, Zelensky. He’s a thug and a thief.”

Trump has always believed in the rule of law.

“When you own something, it’s yours,” Trump says. “And Putin owned Russia. There is no such place as Ukraine. It’s fake–– like Oz, or Los Angeles. I am demanding Zelensky immediately gives back what he stole. Putin is like me, we’re men who believe in character, integrity, and courage. And Zelensky is a cruel coward.”

Trump gets red in his orange face.

“If Zelensky doesn’t give back the land he stole,” he says, “some not so nice things might happen to him. I have nuclear weapons, punk. Don’t test me.”

He smiles. “It’s good to be the king,” Trump says, as a flock of GOP fluffers enter the Oval Office. “It’s even better to be God.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Elon Musk brought his four-year-old son, Lil X, to the Oval Office for a press conference with acting President Trump.

“That damn kid drove me nuts,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “He’s a brat. The little prick wiped his disgusting boogers on my desk. And he told me to ‘shut up.’ I’m the president! I can change the name of large bodies of water, release my army of dangerous thugs from prison, claim foreign countries for America––I can even plan luxury resorts in wartorn areas––I can do whatever the hell I want. No one tells me to shut up. That’s treason. Disgraceful treason. So, I had Elon’s kid arrested and sent to Gitmo. Maybe a few years in solitary confinement will teach the boy some manners.”

Elon Musk apologized for his son’s behavior.

“Lil X is a wild child,” Musk says. “I couldn’t find a sitter on short notice. Plus, they’re so expensive––some want like twenty, twenty-two bucks an hour! Who can afford that?! So, I decided to bring the boy with me. It was all very innocent and kind of fun.”

“That little brat is very nasty,” Trump says. “Maybe he’ll learn some manners in Gitmo. And if he doesn’t, I’ll have him deported. I’ll get him on one of your flights to Mars, Elon.”

“That’d be cool by me, Donnie T,” Elon said, adjusting his black MAGA hat while doing a line of ketamine off the resolute desk. “I like Lil X, but I’ll just make some more. It’s no biggie.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Sen. Chuck Schumer is on fire. While Dictator Trump issues unconstitutional executive orders and Elon Musk runs amuck in the Treasury Department, cutting off federal funding wherever the world’s richest man sees fit, Schumer is alarmed.

“Boy, I am getting somewhat peeved,” an almost emotional Schumer told The Lint Screen. “President Trump and Musk are doing all sorts of shenanigans, many of which are damaging to our country and citizens. It’s something else, and someone should do something about it.” Schumer wipes his brow.

“That’s why if this stuff persists,” he says, “I’m thinking of perhaps issuing a sharply worded protest letter. Oh, nothing too uncivil, mind you, but a written account that registers the Democratic Party’s official willingness to possibly fight these outrageous actions. I think Congress is supposed to have some say in government, but we’re getting shut out. I’m quite perturbed. Whew!”

Schumer’s face reddens.

“I’m sorry I flew off the handle there,” he apologizes. “But these un-American acts by the administration are getting under my skin. Maybe I’ll calm down after a good night’s sleep.” Schumer sighs. “But it may someday soon be time to do something. Thank you.”

Schumer leaves the microphone bank as his ancient colleagues pat his back and congratulate him on his brave act on behalf of America.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Trump Term 2.0 is off to a roaring start, with Executive Orders flying, foolish tariffs against allies being threatened, 1600 insurrectionists being sprung from jail, government agencies being pruned of perceived enemies, and entire departments being shut down.

There was even an attempt to shut down government spending. While many have questioned the legality and constitutionality of these dictatorial measures, Trump whisperer Stephen Miller gave The Lint Screen an exclusive interview to explain.

“President Trump learned from his first term about the inefficiencies of government,” Miller explains. “Someone came up with the stupid idea of a system of three separate and equal branches–– the executive, legislative, and judicial. We learned that this arrangement is cumbersome and unworkable when you are trying to fix a horribly broken, shithole country like ours. So this time, government’s much simpler.”

Miller leans forward, rubs his hands, and raises his brows.

“The three new branches are President Trump, Elon Musk, and myself,” the creepy guy smiles. “It is not separate and equal because President Trump is always the final word, but Elon and I also have enormous powers to do whatever we want and bulldoze the Constitution. The voters gave us a clear mandate with our landslide victory.”

Trump didn’t even get 50% of the vote.

Miller chuckles. “If we need to break a few eggs to make this MAGA omelet, so be it. Americans are hungry for change, and they can’t afford eggs, thanks to Biden’s failed DEI policies.”

What could possibly go wrong with this new system of government? Stay tuned.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.