Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump has fond memories of his time with Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“If I were president today, Putin would never have invaded Ukraine,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “But Biden stole the election from me, and Putin knows Joe is weak, so he made his move. It’s a brilliant move, pure genius. When I get back into the Oval Office, I’m going to get the army to arrest and destroy anyone who disagrees with me. Destroying enemies is the only way to preserve a strong democracy.”

Trump and ex-Secretary of State Mike Pompeo are very impressed with Vlad, calling him “savvy” and “talented” and “one of the great leaders of our time––we should bow and scrape to his glory.”

Still, Trump is confident he could control the mad Russian autocrat.

“Putin respected me greatly,” Trump brags. “He knew what a fantastic businessman I am and what an incredible job I was doing presidenting. I am very presidential. Most people say I’m the best president in history. We’ll let history decide that. Stephen Miller is writing the history books now, and we’ll be getting them into schools soon.”

Trump believes Putin feared him. “Putin saw the tremendous job I was doing rallying NATO, getting all our European allies together. I am a unifier. Everyone says so. And he also saw how I fully supported Zelinsky, making sure Ukraine got all the defense systems they needed. Putin is a very strong man like me, and strong men respect each other. He would have stood down if I asked.”

The ex-president blowhard has one wish for the world. “Someday soon, I’d like to see a Trump Tower in Moscow. And trust me, that’s going to happen when I get back in office.”
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