Autocrat-elect Donald J. Trump has carefully selected The A-Team for his upcoming Cabinet, and while many are controversial (bye-bye Matt Gaetz), others are downright scary.

Like Kash Patel, Trump’s pick to head The Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Patel has been a raging lunatic on the subject of “the malevolent Deep State that’s everywhere–– hiding in more places than you can possibly imagine––including your Q-Tips, shoelaces, and toothpaste!” But as the head of the FBI, Patel promises to use the immense power of the Fibbies for purposes of good as opposed to evil.

The smarmy lickspittle has written a trilogy of children’s books about the wicked plot Trump’s enemies have conspired to overthrow “King Donald.”

“I will right the many wrongs of political opponents,” Patel vows. “Hillary, the Biden Crime Family, and Comma-la-la-la must all be destroyed. And all opponents to the MAGA cause must be silenced. Imprisoned, tortured, or much worse. Dissenting voices must be silenced to protect free speech. And I will see that it happens. I am a true patriot and will proudly serve God’s gift to mankind.”

Patel firmly believes all Americans must “bend their knees” and kiss King Donald’s ring.

“Every citizen must pledge allegiance to the King,” Patel says. “There is no other way to protect the sanctity of our democracy and the rule of law. I will use all the resources of the Deep State to ensure a safe and peaceful environment for King Donald to rule his glorious kingdom. It’s what our forefathers would want. And it’s what our Supreme Court will demand.”

The bug-eyed loonie blinks rapidly and grins. “King Donald’s will must be done. And I shall do it. Gladly. I’m on a mission from God.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

RFK Jr. was recently served a heapin’ helpin’ of humble pie by his ruthless master, autocrat-elect Donald J. Trump.

Trump has nominated Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as the incoming Secretary of Health and Human Services. Shortly after making the announcement, RFK trashed the ex-president’s eating habits.

“President Trump eats crap nonstop,” Kennedy said. “His diet is horrible. I think I can get him to eat healthier. Maybe some tofu, organic lettuce, and a side of bear cub.”

When Trump heard about what Kennedy said, he replied, “We’ll see about that.”

The pack of sycophants surrounding Trump egged him on.

“Break him, Pops!” said firstborn son Don Jr. “Destroy him good!”

“I love everything you say and do, sir,” Mike Johnson said. “I love you more than God. More than my wife and kids!”

“Make that sanctimonious bastard squirm,” Elon Musk cheered. “Teach him what happens to opposing views. Obedience is critical. He must be severely punished.”

With the support of his bootlicking cheerleader squad, Trump ordered bags of McDonald’s food brought to his plane and served.

“I used to work at McDonald’s,” Trump bragged. “I worked like a dog. I can’t have anyone trashing Mickey Dee’s.”

RFK Jr. looked apprehensive about eating chicken nuggets and fries and drinking a Coke.

“Could I please get a small salad with a brain worm instead?” he asked timidly.

“No!” Trump barked. “Eat your damn food, maggot! Or I’ll eat your lunch.”

“Yes, Master.” The anti-vaxxer said, apprehensively taking a small bite of a chicken nugget and chewing. “Oh my God,” he said. “That’s so incredible.” He scarfed down all the nuggets, washed them down with half a bottle of Coke, and emptied fries into his gaping mouth.

“Slow down,” Don Jr. said.

“No. Must have more!” RFK Jr. then proceeded to eat everyone’s meal except Donald Trump’s food. He had told the Secret Service to shoot Kennedy if he dared to touch his meal. “Yum-yum,” RFK Jr. said. “Let’s get some D.Q. for dessert!”

“No dessert, Bobby––not until you eat your KFC,” Trump said as buckets of greasy fried chicken were delivered.

“Um-um,” the Kennedy outcast said. “Eat ’em up! Me love grease!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

A slight majority of Americans have spoken: they want the thrill ride of an unpredictable, unstable, narcissistic leader at the wheel of democracy because he promised a brighter future and a cabinet filled with “the very best people.”

President-Elect Donald J. Trump, a convicted felon, announced that he is selecting gonzo Rep. Matt Gaetz (FL) for his Attorney General.

Gaetz has been under a House Ethics investigation into his alleged sex trafficking of a 17-year-old high school girl. Gaetz’s sleazy buddy got busted for sex trafficking minors and is currently serving 11 years of hard time in a Federal prison.

The Lint Screen went to a Florida high school to learn what teen girls think of Mr. Gaetz.

“The guy’s a total chueg,” says Brittany S. “Gaetz got like zero rizz.”

“He’s always hanging around here,” Tiffany B. reports. “He scores negative auro points. And that hair? Like, really?“

“Beige, basic, cringe” is how Crystal M. describes the Florida man. “Gaetz is sus. No one’s DTF, Grandpa.”

“That plastic man is Delulu,” Amber G. declares. “We all ghosted him.”

Rhonda D. had the last word. “Gaetz’s ick factor is off the charts. KYS.”

Despite what the girls think, Gaetz has appreciated talents with his two lips placed on Trump’s ample behind. Perhaps the Florida nutcase will find more fans in The Capitol Building.

Brace yourself, America; you’re in for a wild ride. And remember, you asked for this.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump loves women.

“Oh, how I love them, ladies,” the GOP presidential candidate tells The Lint Screen. “I love them so much I want to protect them all the time. I give them so much protection. The best protection. And if they resist, I’ll threaten to shoot them in a firing squad. That’s how serious I am about protecting America’s women.”

The senile old man likes to cosplay, and his new character is pretending to be a tough guy protector.

“Women love me,” he says. “They let me do whatever I want. That’s why I’m the father of IVF. Or is it UHF? VHF? Something with an ‘F.’ I’m going to protect women whether they want me to or not, and I’ll be making all their health decisions so they don’t have to worry their pretty little heads about it.”

Melania Trump was asked about her husband’s ability to protect women.

“Who?” she responded. “Oh, yeah. Him. Donald. My ‘husband.’” She pauses as an aide rushes in and whispers in her ear. “Sure. Why not? I guess so.” The aide whispers again. “Donald is a very good protector of women.”

Will women buy Trump protection service at the ballot box? Stay tuned.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump is dead serious about solving America’s immigration crisis.

The brilliant political mastermind held a sheetless KKK rally yesterday in Madison Square Garden to show support for his 2024 presidential run, but it was a sly ruse. The event was a cleverly disguised sting operation designed to capture dangerous immigrants.

“This was a major production,” spokesman/goon squad leader Stephen Miller told The Lint Screen. “We packed MSG with 19,500 MAGA people. To the untrained eye, it appeared to be a political rally, but it was a honey trap operation to flush out foreigners.”

Donald Trump was thrilled after the show.

“We caught a woman named Melania born in Slovenia,” he said. “She is not so nice. She wrote a book that my readers said did not praise me enough. So I am having Stephen deport her.”

Miller gets excited. “Tell them about the big fish we caught!”

Trump glares at the creepy dweeb. “Shut up. We also caught a rich guy named Elon or Leon Musk from Africa. And he’s really rich, so I am freezing his assets, seizing his patents, and folding his businesses into The Trump Organization. We’re deporting him back to his homeland. America can’t be the world’s garbage can for these trashy immigrants ruining our country.”

A Trump advisor approaches his boss and gives him bad news.

“There are some ethnic groups we failed to insult tonight,” he said.

Trump becomes livid. “Then organize another rally, goddamit,” he shouts. “I’m dealing with idiots!” He grabs Miller by the collar. “And write me some more hate speech––the election’s only a week away!”

Miller scrambles away like a frightened spider.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Twice-impeached disgraced felon Ex-President Donald J. Trump turned a staged photo op into a bitch session.

“It was awful what they did to me at McDonald’s,” the fat baby tells The Lint Screen. “They made me stand at a hot oil machine to look like I was making french fries. It was very hot. No one’s ever had to withstand such heat. Not even Satan.”

Trump is visibly upset as he recalls his grueling 10-minute “work shift.”

“They encouraged me to keep working,” he says. “They said I was almost done. I said, can’t you just throw some ice into this hot grease to cool it down? And they said, ‘Sir, that’s a brilliant idea.’ They had tears in their eyes. ‘But it might be dangerous, sir.’ I fired the sass-back talkers.

His personal fluffer, Stephen Miller, came with a bucket of ice and asked Trump to stand far away. Miller suffered first-degree burns and was rushed to a hospital.

“I got bored,” Trump says. “After three minutes of looking like I was working, I demanded a break,” he explains. “But they said they were almost done taking pictures and encouraged me to look like I was working a little longer. I had already put in a full day. It was cruel how hard they worked me.”

The senile old man had one more fake photo op: he was supposed to appear to work the drive-thru window. That didn’t go well.

“They made me stand at a small glass thing,” Trump whines. “And I had to hand food in bags to people. I said, ‘Here’s your goddamn food; now get the hell out of here before I have you shot.”

The director said he could “fix it in the edit.” Trump was praised for his excellent work as his army of sycophants and hangers-on mobbed him.

The entitled brat, who was born on third base but claimed he hit a home run and was cheated, is bitter about his “grueling” McDonald’s experience.

“I worked my ass off,” the would-be dictator says. “No one’s ever worked so hard or been treated worse. Not Kamel-la-palooza, not anyone. If everyone in America worked as hard as me, we wouldn’t be the shithole country we are.”

This is a peek into our glorious future under this great leader.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.