Twice-impeached disgraced felon Ex-President Donald J. Trump turned a staged photo op into a bitch session.

“It was awful what they did to me at McDonald’s,” the fat baby tells The Lint Screen. “They made me stand at a hot oil machine to look like I was making french fries. It was very hot. No one’s ever had to withstand such heat. Not even Satan.”

Trump is visibly upset as he recalls his grueling 10-minute “work shift.”

“They encouraged me to keep working,” he says. “They said I was almost done. I said, can’t you just throw some ice into this hot grease to cool it down? And they said, ‘Sir, that’s a brilliant idea.’ They had tears in their eyes. ‘But it might be dangerous, sir.’ I fired the sass-back talkers.

His personal fluffer, Stephen Miller, came with a bucket of ice and asked Trump to stand far away. Miller suffered first-degree burns and was rushed to a hospital.

“I got bored,” Trump says. “After three minutes of looking like I was working, I demanded a break,” he explains. “But they said they were almost done taking pictures and encouraged me to look like I was working a little longer. I had already put in a full day. It was cruel how hard they worked me.”

The senile old man had one more fake photo op: he was supposed to appear to work the drive-thru window. That didn’t go well.

“They made me stand at a small glass thing,” Trump whines. “And I had to hand food in bags to people. I said, ‘Here’s your goddamn food; now get the hell out of here before I have you shot.”

The director said he could “fix it in the edit.” Trump was praised for his excellent work as his army of sycophants and hangers-on mobbed him.

The entitled brat, who was born on third base but claimed he hit a home run and was cheated, is bitter about his “grueling” McDonald’s experience.

“I worked my ass off,” the would-be dictator says. “No one’s ever worked so hard or been treated worse. Not Kamel-la-palooza, not anyone. If everyone in America worked as hard as me, we wouldn’t be the shithole country we are.”

This is a peek into our glorious future under this great leader.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Convicted sex offender and G.O.P. presidential candidate Donald J. Trump got his “groove on” last night at a Town Hall in Pennsylvania, and it was so exciting that people fainted.

“I’m like The Beatles,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “But I’m much more popular than they were. Sorry, John, Paul, George, and Bingo, Trump’s got you beat! I’m number one, with a bullet!!!”

The event was supposed to be for citizens to ask questions to the twice-impeached disgraced ex-president, but it wasn’t long before DJ Donnie took command, and a dance party broke out.

“I have excellent taste in music,” Trump bragged. “Incredible taste. I especially like gay anthems like Y.M.C.A. It reminds me of very good times at Club 54.”

“You have the very best musical taste, sir,” South Dakota Gov. and dog killer Kristi Noem said. “And your dance moves are like Michael Jackson, sir.”

“I’m much better than he was. Michael was not so much on the dancefloor. He was a one-trick pony, the moon dance. But I had many, many more moves. Michael was no Trump.”

For the next 39 minutes, Trump got “jiggy with it” as his curated playlist played, and his audience yawned and slowly snuck out to saner space.

“This is much better than hearing your stupid questions,” he shouted between songs. “Vote Trump! I’ll be a dictator on day one and your D.J. every day after!” Trump did his famous double-fisted pumps. “Hey, Justin, play me some Leo Sayer or Nickelback. I’m ready to get down and boogie!“

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

With the election less than a month away, disgraced ex-President Donald Trump is hot on the campaign trail. Although he’s already been impeached twice, the felon wants to raise his record stats for being a crook and cheat in the Oval Office.

At a recent rally in Pennsylvania, the demented kook was joined on stage by douchebag royale Elon Musk.

“Just look at Leon,” Trump told the crowd. “Leon’s jumping for joy, and who can blame him? I did more for billionaires like him than any president in history. Trump put more money in the billionaires’ pockets. Didn’t I make you a helluva lot richer, Leon?

“Um, it’s Elon,” Musk corrects.

“That’s what I said, Leon, now answer the damn question.”

“Yes, Mr. President. Sorry for my mistake. You made me much richer with your tax breaks.” Musk laughs, rubbing his greedy palms together.

“And I’ll make you even richer next year if I win.”

“Vote Trump/Vance, they’re for the tech bros!”

“That’s right, Leon. I’ll make all the billionaires richer. And make all the millionaires billionaires. But know that I will always be the richest one because I’m always number one. But I’ll tell you, the rich people love me!”

An aide rushes on stage and whispers to Trump off-mic.

“Oh, and I’ll also make you richer,” Trump says with jazz hands. ” I’m going to make everyone richer. Even the peasants like you. So much richer. You’ve never seen so much riches than you will with Trump. Very, very rich.”

He turns to the aide off-stage and gives a thumbs-up gesture. He notices Musk (probably high on some drug) continuing to jump and down.

“Now get the hell off the stage, Leon,” Trump commands. “This is my show.”

“It’s Leon, sir,” the awkward goon whispers.

“Who cares?” Trump continues an incoherent 2:28-minute rant as the crowd slowly thins.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

GOP Vice Presidential candidate JD Vance got all gussied up this week for his debate with everyman Democratic V.P. nominee Tim Walz.

Vance even went to Sephora for some new Lancôme mascara and eyeliner for the special occasion. His sugar daddy, Peter Thiel, bought him a brand new tailormade Italian suit costing $4,800.

Walz bought a new set of fancy dress duds at Jos. A. Banks during its BUY ONE SUIT, GET THREE FREE sale. The fight was on.

The men shook hands, and the moderators, Norah O’Donnell and Margaret Brennan, “had the outrageous audacity to fact-check me,” according to Vance.

“No fair,” he whined afterward. “I’m up there trying to gaslight America, working to sell bullshit like Trump saved Obamacare, January 6 was no biggie, Trump left office peacefully, and illegal immigrants are eating pets in Springfield, Ohio–– but those meanies fact-checked me on the illegal immigrants thing. They said the people were here legally. While that may be true, it ruined my lying and made me look bad to the bossman. Facts are the absolute worst when it comes to debating.”

Walz toasted Vance at the debate’s end when he asked if he believed Trump won the 2020 election.

“I’m thinking about the future, Tim,” Vance said. “Not the past.” He then pointed off-stage. “Hey, look––squirrel!” The camera stayed on his face, and he sobbed as his mascara began running. “Why didn’t anyone look?”

It was quite a night. Now, America can choose which truth they want to live with.

“Trust us,” Vance says reassuringly. “We’re honest. I swear to God!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Felonious Trump is at it again.

The man behind countless scams and grifts promises that if elected, he will be the country’s “FIRST ALL CAPS PRESIDENT.”

What does that mean? The Lint Screen recently exchanged messages with the criminal on his social media scam, ironically called Truth Social. A transcript follows.

TLS: Tell America why you should be president again.

DJT: BECAUSE I WAS THE GREATEST PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME. EVERYONE SAID THAT.

TLS: Who?

DJT: EVERYONE KNOWS TRUMP WAS THE BEST. I HAD THE GREATEST ECONOMY, I BUILT THE WALL AND KEPT ILLEGAL CRIMINALS AND MANIACS OUT, AND THE PETS WERE SAFE. I KEPT SPRINGFIELD SAFE. THERE WAS NO CRIME AND EVERYONE WAS RICH. VERY, VERY RICH. GAS WAS ONLY A QUARTER A GALLON, GROCERIES COSTS NOTHING. THEY WERE FREE THANKS TO TRUMP. THERE WERE NO WARS BECAUSE I DID MY TEXT MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND EVERYONE WAS AFRAID TO GET ME ANGRY SO THEY DIDN’T TRY ANYTHING. THEY KNEW TRUMP MEANT BUSINESS. I GOT PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST. THEY SAID THAT COULDN’T BE DONE BUT I DID IT.

TLS: You do know that’s all false, don’t you?

DJT: I MADE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. NO ONE’S EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT. THERE WERE NO TAXES. EVERYONE HAD NEW HOUSES AND CARS, THE STOCK MARKET WAS SKY HIGH, INCREDIBLY HIGH

TLS: Now you’re just getting preposterous.

DJT: I WAS FRIENDS WITH PUTIN, LITTLE ROCKET MAN, THE ARAB GUYS IN ROBES, ORBAN, XI, YOU NAME IT––THEY ALL LOVED ME BECAUSE THEY FEARED ME BECAUSE I MIGHT WRITE AN ALL CAPS MESSAGE AND

TLS: No. I think they thought you were a useful idiot.

DJT: NO ONE CAN IGNORE MY ALL-CAPS TEXTS… IT’S LIKE I’M SHOUTING, AND NO ONE ONE WANTS TO HEAR TRUMP SHOUTING AT THEM

TLS: Right. I’m turning off my iPhone now.

DJT: AND MY APPROVAL RATING WAS 100% AND…

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Crazy conspiracy theorist Laura Loomer has been the recent sidekick of felon GOP presidential candidate disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump. They sat in The Lint Screen offices and discussed the importance of the 2024 election.

“If I don’t get elected, this country is over,” the man in the red MAGA hat said. “Everyone will die painfully.”

“It will be catastrophic,” Loomer agreed. “Like when the Martians invaded the world and took all the world’s gold reserves.”

“All those dangerous thugs Biden invited from foreign countries,” the overweight old guy said, “they’re all getting very hungry. They’re not only eating dogs, cats, and geese in Springfield–– now they’re starting to eat humans. American citizens. They’re eating their flesh. No one’s ever seen anything like it.”

“The whole thing is awful,” the wild-eyed Looney said. “Innocent people are getting eaten by all the maniacs, rapists, and killers the Democrats let in. These people are going to destroy the country. It’s the worst crisis this country has seen since minorities got the right to vote.”

“But it’s not just the cannibals,” the senior walrus said. “Kama-la-la-whatever-her-name-is is also unleashing flying monkeys to kill Americans.”

“It’s just like in The Wizard of Oz,” the delusional alarmist said. “Everyone thought it was made up, but that movie was actually a documentary. Look it up on Google! Dorothy died in 1969. She was killed by an escaped tiger in Malaysia. It was horrible.”

“Dorothy was a very good person,” the leering man added. “She could sing like an angel. Such a voice. She was young and perky. I like that. So young. Had a thing for rainbows. By the way, The Wicked Witch was a Democrat––most people don’t know that, but it’s true. That’s why she was so evil. All Democrats are evil, and they’re trying to get me killed. They don’t want Trump to save America and make it great again.”

“If people don’t vote Trump/Vance, it’s curtains for all of us. It’s a death sentence. We’ll be nothing but bones picked up by flying monkeys and dropped into the ocean–– which is drinkable water, but Democrats don’t want people to know that.”

“Don’t make me take The White House by force. I will be president whether America likes it or not.”

“He’s my hero,” she says, snuggling against his arm. “Will you do one of your famous weaves for me, sugar babe?”

“Of course, snookums.”

This reporter choked back sick, as he ran to the bathroom.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.