Disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump thinks tonight’s debate will prove his qualifications for a return to The Oval Office.
“Look at me,” he told reporters. “I’m a giant. I must be 7′ 10” tall—maybe eight or nine feet. I could play in the NBA if they didn’t have a race restriction. And how tall’s Kambalalaloo? She’s maybe a foot or thirteen inches tall on a good day. Harris can’t be on the world stage––she’d get stomped.”
Trump believes his superior height gives him an automatic pass to win the 2024 Presidential election.
“The Constitution clearly says, “‘Let the tallest man win,’” the addled senior claims. “And Harris isn’t even a man. Not unless she’s had a sex change, which many people are saying is very possible. Democrats like changing their sex all the time. They change sexes like their clothes. Nobody knows what’s going on between their legs. It’s awful. A disgrace. No one’s ever seen anything like it.”
“Even though ABC has always been very unfair to me,” he bellyaches, “they won’t be able to hide the fact I’m much taller than her. And what else do voters need to know? Vote Trump! He’s much, much taller. Very much taller!!!”
The con man smiles.
“I’m also taller than Lincoln,” he says. “A not-so-good president. Very overrated.”
——————- Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.
“The media’s out to get me,” Vance tells The Lint Screen, perhaps the world’s only trusted fake news source. “Harris and Walz call me weird. Well, let me tell you something; they’re the weird ones,” JD says as he stuffs a live chipmunk into his pants.
Vance had made headlines recently following the tragic shooting in a Georgia school that left two students and two teachers dead.
“Kids and guns, what the heck are you going to do?” he asks casually. “They go together like peanut butter and mayonnaise. Plus, firearms make great gifts at Christmas. I grew up in a house with lots of loaded weapons, and I turned out fine. The real problem in schools is the libraries. We need more book censorship to keep our kids safe. There’s no telling what could happen if a kid reads the wrong thing we haven’t approved.”
Vance was also lambasted for saying that grandparents should be more involved in raising their grandchildren.
“People can’t expect the government to help raise their kids,” he says. “We’ve got to get these lazy grandparents out of their easy chairs and take care of the next generation. Aunts and uncles, too. Mom and Dad need more free time to work a few jobs and make ends meet so we can give hefty tax breaks to the wealthy and corporations for stock buybacks. That’s how you boost the economy so the wealth trickles down for everyone!”
Finally, JD takes great umbrage at those who thought his recent order in a donut shop was unnatural.
“That was totally unfair,” he says, applying mascara and tangerine lip gloss. “I love those balls of fat fried in hot grease. I do! Let me be clear: I approve of the holed and un-holed varieties, okay? And I like the glazed round ones, the sprinkly things, and whatever else makes sense for human being consumption.”
Vance takes a deep breath and purses his lips.
“There’s nothing weird about me or President Trump,” he says. “We’re a couple of normal ostriches–– this is an expression, right?”
——————- Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.
Disgraced Ex-President Donald J. Trump busts a move in Johnstown, PA
Pennsylvanians were recently treated to over a 90-minute speech by convicted felon and sexual assaulter GOP presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.
“The lamestream media says I ramble in my speeches,” Trump told his captivated audience. “They’re too stupid to understand. I talk about one thing, and then another. And another and another and another and another and another. Then, I weave them all together. Like a beautiful talk tapestry. What a great album that was. Carole King is related to Nat King Cole and King Crab. Most people don’t know that. I’m so smart.”
Trump pointed to his head.”Very smart,” he continued. “But Commie-a-Lotta-Big-Lots, she can’t do what I do. She wants to kill Americans. Kill you and your family. She’s not so nice. A nasty woman. Very nasty. People come up to me all the time with tears in their eyes, and they say, ‘Sir, thank you for saving America. We love you. You are the best president ever, much better than Lincoln.’ I bet old Abe wished he didn’t go to plays so much.” He smiles.
“My uncle taught at M.I.T. A brilliant man. Smarter than Einstein or Musk. He invented gravity, my uncle, and push-up bras, plus those little plastic floss sticks and many other things. Many, many things. Amazing inventions. I asked him once why sharks don’t like electricity, and he was amazed. ‘No one’s ever asked me that before. What a brilliant question, Donald. I don’t know why sharks don’t like electricity.’ He shook his head. I stumped him. But I’ll tell you one thing–– I’m much smarter than a shark. But I wouldn’t want a shark in my pool. I could kill him with enough chlorine. I’m an excellent swimmer. I could have won many races in the Olympics, but I’m not such a fan of France. President Macaroon. He’s not so great. But I do like his cookies. Very tasty. They should make coconut milkshakes. That’s a billion-dollar idea, McDonald’s. You’re welcome. I am a genius businessman. I don’t like figs. Worst food ever. You give me a Fig Newton, and I’ll stamp on it. Hate them…”
He babbled for another 87 minutes, weaving away, and then he treated his fans to some dance moves.
——————- Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.
Convicted felon/sex assaulter and twice impeached disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump must have access to a time machine. The 78-year-old man is convinced his scheduled September 10th ABC debate with Democratic Presidential Nominee Kamala Harris has already happened.
“My performance was amazing,” humble Trump told The Lint Screen. “I beat her like a dog. No one’s ever seen anything like it. I smashed her worse than Crooked Joe Biden or Barack Hussein Obama when I debated them. Even worse than when I beat Abra-ham Sandwich Lincoln. Historians are saying I am the greatest debater ever. They also say I was the greatest president in history, without a doubt. Everyone says so.”
Trump believes the Trump/Harris debate was a historic television event.
“They’ve never seen ratings like mine,” Trump says. “I’ve heard six, maybe seven billion people watched me crush Kama-Lama-Ding Dong. And Elon…Elon Musk, he’s a great friend of mine. The guy loves me… Elon put the debate up on his satellites––he has many, many satellites up in the sky, so many satellites––and no one knows how many planets and aliens watched it. But one thing’s for sure, they won’t be invading Earth, not with Trump back in office. I’ll tell you that!”
The cantankerous old man is convinced his imaginary debate performance may have saved the world.
“Now everyone in the universe knows not to mess with Trump,” he declares. “I’m not only making America safe again but I’m also protecting the planet. It’s unbelievable how incredible I am.”
——————- Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.
“They say her campaign is joyful,” Trump told The Lint Screen at a conference in Erie, Pennsylvania, “but they’re wrong, like always. So wrong. My campaign is the joyful one.”
Trump claims that Harris has manufactured large, happy crowds at her rallies.
“It’s all AI,” Trump says. “Completely fake. She has to create these big crowds because no one likes her. She might be the most unpopular person in the world. Very unlikable. A nasty woman. Communist. Hates kids. Very bad. She wants to kill pets.“
The Republican candidate believes he will beat Harris in a landslide.
“The polls are all wrong,” Trump says. “The polls are talking to people created by AI. They’re all fake. I’m killing her in the real polls with real people. Everyone loves me because I lift people up––I make them happy. So happy. They know only I can make America great again. Again. A man came up to me the other day with tears in his eyes. He said, ‘Mr. President, you are like sunshine. Whenever I see you, I feel warm. You make me feel joy. So much joy.’ And I told him to get out of the way, I didn’t have time, and to keep his germs to himself. But he loves me. That guy loves me so much.”
The things Vice President nominee Tim Walz has said about the GOP get under his orange skin.
“Walz said we’re weird,” Trump says. “That’s a lie. We’re normal, very normal. JD Vance and I are just regular guys—ordinary fellows. And we’re so much richer than Walz or Harris. They’re the weird ones. They didn’t even go to Ivy League schools or make millions like us. Of course, I made billions—so many billions. No one’s ever seen the kind of money I make. I’m incredibly rich and normal. And very stable. So sane. And smart. So smart. My uncle taught at M.I.T. I have a very big brain. I’m a stable genius. Everyone says so. And I make people happy because my campaign is the joyful one with my positive message that’s like sunshine and…”
He continued droning for another two hours as his audience snuck away.
——————- Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.
C. Mongomery Burns discusses the upcoming election with a candidate and a fat cat.
Springfield’s richest man, mogul Charles Montgomery Burns, took to his proprietary social media channel BURNS-NET to interview presidential candidate Donald J. Trump and dastardly billionaire Elon Musk in a meeting of the minds that illuminated the current political scene.
After an hour and sixteen-minute delay caused by “cyber-attacks from evil enemies of progress,” the illuminating discussion got underway.
CMB: Tell me, Donald, about how the Democrats are cheating you.
DT: It’s disgraceful, Mr. Burns. They rigged the last election, Crooked Joe stole it from me, and now they’re trying to rig this one. They shoved Biden in the dirt and found this black or Indian person–– has a funny name. Kama-something-weird no one can pronounce. I don’t know what race she is, no one does–– but the person says she’s a woman. But you know, many people are saying he or she is transitioning, so they made her/him/whatever the candidate because they’re checking all the boxes. And now they’re acting like she’s popular. No one’s ever seen anything like it.
EM: Obviously a DEI hire.
DT: Exactly. And then, she picked a running mate who never fought in a war but says he did. Says he handled nuclear bombs, and all sorts of stuff. The guy’s a total fraud, and–
EM: I heard he’s not even rich.
CMB: What?!!! The man is a commoner? A peasant?!!!
DT: Worse than that… he was a teacher. High school. Not even private–– a public high school!
EM: Pathetic. Who the hell teaches? That’s a sucker’s game.
DT: Shut up, Elon, I was telling my grievances, about how the world is against me because I’m a self-made stable genius who never got a break. So, these two jokers, they’re awful, not-so-nice people, are going all over the country, and using AI to make fake huge crowds so it looks like they’re really popular, and the lamestream media gives them tons of coverage. They ignore me, the man who made America great again once. It’s very unfair.
EM: They’re out to get you. AI is very dangerous when you can’t control it, and that’s why I–
DT: Please, Elon, I’m talking over here. I’m trying to make America great once again, and I picked the perfect running mate, JD what’s-his-name, that guy with the ugly beard who screws furniture, and he is happy to do what that chickenshit Pence wouldn’t do.
DT: Elon, don’t make me smack you in your pumpkin head.
CMB: Oh, violence––excellent! Fight, fight!!! Let’s see bloodshed.
DT: Forgive, Elon, Mr. Burns, he’s an immigrant. He snuck into the country in a caravan. Very dangerous, caravans of millions of immigrants.
EM: No, Donald, you’re wrong. I’m a citizen who’s used American taxpayer dollars to build my multi-billion dollar businesses and control the universe.
DT: Quiet, Elon. You’re not half the businessman I am. Why, I was born into poverty, barely had bootstraps to pull myself up…
AND SO IT WENT FOR SIX HOURS…
——————- Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.
