In an investigative journalism coup, The Lint Screen has acquired an advance copy of the questions for tonight’s debate on CNN with moderators Dana Bush and Jake Tapper.

1. Who won the last election? No, seriously, who? Come on. Really?
2. Was the United States Capitol invasion on January 6, 2021, an attempted coup, an insurrection, or an incredible demonstration of patriotism following the worst cheating in a presidential election in American history?
3. Did Oz really “give nothing to the Tin Man?” And if so, was it nothing that he didn’t already have? Please explain.
4. Was the J6 Prison Choir better when they were acoustic or when they went electric?
5. Two trains leave Chicago for San Francisco, 1,853 miles away. One train is traveling at 68 mph, the other 72 mph. Who is the president of France? Show your work.
6. Electrocution by battery or take your chances swimming with a shark?
7. Swimming with sharks or fighting windmills?
8. Windmills or handshakes?
9. How many states are in the United States of America? Which ones are democracies? Please name the state bird and flower of each.
10. Who was your favorite Beatle, and why?
11. What is the largest prime number you can think of right now?
12. Superman faces Spiderman in a fight––who wins? Show your work.
13. What classic movie has the famous last line, “Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.”
14. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could negotiate world peace––would you approve?
15. The American people have entrusted each of you with our nuclear weapons. Was that a mistake?
16. What is your favorite color? Are you sure? Think about this. Final answer? Any rebuttal?
17. If a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, how do you explain this outrageous exchange rate?
18. How many felonies do you have? Be exact.
19. Sopranos, The Wire, or Breaking Bad––which show had the talking unicorn?
20. I’m thinking of a number between one and ten––what is it? I should mention it’s a fraction.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Sharks loom large in the mind of convicted felon disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump.

The GOP criminal running for re-election is terrified of sharks. He reportedly treats Shark Week as a 7-day horror show and recently mentioned sharks in a campaign speech.

The looney tongue-ramblin’ man recalled a conversation with a boater in which he posed this dilemma: if the boat is sinking, and you’re on an electric battery, and you see a shark ten feet away in the water, would you stay on the battery and get electrocuted, or dive in the water and take your chances with the shark.

Trump said he would get electrocuted every time in that situation. This deeply offended the shark community.

“What’d we ever do to him?” says Bobby “Big Chopper” The Great White Shark. “Trump probably can’t even swim. I’ll bet he needs those inflatable arm things to float––and those give me terrible heartburn.”

Sharks say they are tired of being trashed by a man they find crude, ignorant, and distasteful.

“Trump’s a chicken, coward, and fatty feast,” Bobby says. “That is if he ever gets in the ocean. Sure, we’d eat him, but I’ll bet he’d give us awful heartburn. He’d probably also give us angina. Frankly, we’re glad that blubber is a landlubber. There’s not enough Andes Mints in the world to counteract him.”

When Trump heard the statement, he called the shark “a loser” and said, “I’d kill him with my bare hands. I’m very brave and tough as nails.”

Yeah, right.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Steve Bannon, the kooky mayor of MAGA-Madness Town, is scheduled to serve a four-month prison term on July 1 for contempt of Congress.

“It’ll never happen,” Bannon confidently tells The Lint Screen. “They can’t send a guy as good-looking as me to jail. That’d be criminal. I’ve got a male model body with Hollywood leading man looks. I’m too damn sexy for prison. But if I did go, I’d sing bass for the J6 choir. Those guys rock!”

Bannon is one of the biggest cheerleaders and ass-kissers of disgraced ex-President and convicted felon Donald Trump.

“They want to put me away because Democrats don’t want to admit they stole the election,” Bannon says. “Because I’m a voice of justice, a man who knows Trump is Jesus Christ come again to save us, they want to silence me. But since this administration is illegitimate, Trump can pardon me.”

Bannon, who once said Trump reminded him of Hitler as a compliment, feels he will get off scot-free with the con man’s help.

“Steve, who?” Trump asked when he was told about Bannon’s plan to be pardoned. “Oh, yeah, Steve Bannon. Right, that guy. How much does he have for a pardon? They don’t come cheap.”

Bannon tears a blank check from his checkbook and hands it to this reporter.

“You tell the big guy he can write his own ticket with this,” Bannon says, smiling. “I’m good for it. I’ll just shake down some MAGA rubes. That bank never taps out.”

It appears the future convict believes the convicted felon has magic powers.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Tennessee Rep. John Rose made the obligatory MAGA lemming speech of faux outrage over the prosecution of the convicted felon, twice impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump, as his 6-year-old son Guy made faces behind him. Trump was not amused.

“This kid needs more than a spanking,” the orange-faced leader of the MAGA cult said. “What the punk did was treason, and the penalty for that is execution. When I take back the Oval Office, the little boy is toast. It’s a disgrace what that little brat did, dishonoring the sacred space where so many proud January 6 patriots protested my getting cheating in the election. I won!!!”

Trump has been accumulating felony convictions like a black flannel suit attracts lint. Last week, he was found guilty of 34 felony counts by a New York jury of his peers.

“It was a joke,” the crybaby whined. “Those people on the jury are not my peers. They are scum. Commoners. Peasants. It was a total witch hunt supervised by Joe Biden, the worst president ever. I never slept with that woman, and I never cheated on my taxes. I am an honest man and loyal husband to what’s her name.”

In May, another New York jury found Trump guilty of sexually assaulting advice columnist E. Jean Carroll in 1996 and awarded her $5 million in damages.

“I never had sex with that woman,” Trump says again. “That was another witch hunt.”

The convicted felon slams a fist on the table. “I will get retribution, revenge, and justice,” he yells. “And I’m starting with that damn little kid. I’ll get my Supreme Court to hang his ass out to dry for acting like a damn baby!”

He storms out of the room, whining under his breath.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

As the controversy rages about flags flying over the residences of Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito, the sanctimonious black-robed man deflects any blame.

First was the report of an upside-down American flag flying over the Alito home in Alexandria, Virginia, in January 2021, a sign of protest over the election of Joe Biden, showing solidarity for the unproven claims of Donald Trump that the election was stolen.

“That was all Martha-Ann,” Justice Alito tells The Lint Screen. “The wifey is a bad girl. I can’t control her. But I can control the rights of women’s health, and by God, I will.”

The upside flag is a symbol of distress and was carried by Trump insurrectionists as they attacked the Capital on January 6, 2021.

“I’m surprised Martha-Ann wasn’t there,” Alito says, chuckling. “I think she would have loved beating a cop and carrying a Confederate flag. She is one wild child, let me tell you.”

It was also recently reported the “Appeal to Heaven” flag flew above the Alitos’ beach house in Long Island last year. This flag is associated with the Christian Nationalist movement and the conspiracy theory that the 2020 election was “stolen” from Trump.

“Good gravy,” Alito says, shrugging. “The old ball and chain has a mind all her own. What can I do? I’m not about to get divorced. That would go against The Holy Mother Church and make Baby Jesus cry. And I must do my sacred job of getting more religion into American lives so we can control people. How else can we protect their freedom?”

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has also come under fire for accepting lavish gifts and his wife Ginni’s involvement with the January 6 attempted coup.

“Hey, what’re you going to do?” Thomas says with a shrug. “Sam and I married a couple of live wires. We can’t control our little ladies. And, no, neither of us will recuse ourselves from any Donald Trump case. We’re one-hundred percent impartial and on the bench for life––and there ain’t a damn thing anyone can do about it.”

Alito smiles. “Got that right, Clare-bear,” he says. The men high-five and shout, “Trump 2024!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Speaker of The House Mike Johnson is a holy roller.

“The Bible is my worldview,” he tells The Lint Screen. “And anything in The Good Book is good by me.”

So, you might think it’s hypocritical for Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes to show up at disgraced ex-President Donald Trump’s criminal trial for falsifying business records to cover up his hush money payments to adult film star Stormy Daniels.

“Raw dogging a hottie is fine with God,” Johnson said. “I believe that verse is from Luke or Mark’s Gospel. I can’t recall which one, but I know it’s somewhere in the new Trump Bible. And sexually assaulting a woman in a department store dressing room is also fine in the eyes of the Lord. God is very forgiving.”

Johnson and a crew of GOP spineless weasels showed up at the Manhattan courthouse to curry favor with their overlord, who was recently found guilty of sexual abuse in the E. Jean Carroll case.

“This Stormy Daniels case is preposterous,” Johnson claimed. “It’s a Biden witch hunt, and the real president, President Trump, should be immediately released and sentenced to a life term in the Oval Office.”

“I agree,” said North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum. “I need my main man to be free so he can select me as his running mate. I won’t fold like Mike Pence. I will gladly overturn a free and fair election for my master.”

The half dozen GOP pol bootlicks wore matching suits and red ties.

“We wanted to look like our hero,” U.S. Rep. Byron Donalds said. “He is the greatest president ever, no doubt about it. And a very sharp dresser!”

Earlier in the week, Senators Tommy Tuberville, J.D. Vance, and Rick Scott came to pay homage to Trump at his criminal trial.

“I find what the justice system is doing disgusting,” chucklehead Tuberville said. “It seems that the laws are all against whatever Donald Trump does. It’s getting so that a person can’t even grab a woman by her privates, pay off people with damaging stories, lead an insurrection, or steal top-secret classified documents. Get off the guy’s back already!”

The members of the Trump cult gathered around the Kool-Aid punchbowl and guzzled.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.