First, it was killing a “rambunxious, joyful” puppy, and then a “disgusting, musky, rancid” goat, and now, in her revealing upcoming book,  South Dakota Republican Gov. Kristi Noem confesses to “putting down” her youngest child.

“Brian was always our wild child,” Noem writes in her book, No Going Back: The Truth on What’s Wrong With Politics and How We Move America Forward. “But as hard as I tried for five long years to get him to obey me, he refused and threw temper tantrums. I was beside myself! This wild child was rowdy and disobedient.”

The woman with new store-bought shiny white teeth explains more in this exclusive advance copy obtained by The Lint Screen.

“I warned Brian he’d better straighten up and fly right,” she explains in a gripping book passage. “But that little snot refused to listen to his mother. At first, I sentenced him to a few hours in time-out corner, but he didn’t seem to care. He kept acting childish. So, I put him in a dog cage for a few days, but that only made him more disobedient. I wondered if Cricket had left an evil spirit in the cage. Then Brian willfully drew outside the lines in his coloring book. At that moment, I knew I had to take him to the gravel pit. What else could I do?”

The gravel pit is where she did her killing. And little Brian didn’t know what he was in for.

“Do I wish Brian had listened to his Mommy and obeyed? Yes.” she writes. “But if a child doesn’t know proper behavior after five years, what’s a parent supposed to do? I am not an enabler. I’m not a pushover, either. And I’m certainly not afraid to make the tough decisions. That’s what true leaders do! So, I did what I felt I had to, and I wish Brian had learned his lesson before it came to that. We gave him a nice send-off with a little service in the gravel pit.”

Many believe Noem’s upcoming book was written to prove her qualifications as “a tough person ready to do what’s necessary” to make America right again and please presumptive Republican candidate Donald Trump in his quest to get re-elected. But because of the public outrage at her cruelty, her dream has backfired in MAGA nation.

“I can’t pick Kristi,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Not after she does something so politically stupid. You never, never, never put anything in writing. That’s how they get you. Now, she’s learning a very hard lesson. And her future hope as my V.P. is dead. Dying like a dog.”

Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene is angry at “Republican turncoats,” and she is out to get them.

“Mike Johnson, I’m coming for you,” the angry blond tells The Lint Screen. “You and all your MAGA Nation traitor RINO buddies are going to pay for backing the wrong horse in Russia’s righteous and just war against evil Ukraine.”

Greene was referring to the recent passing of a $60.8 billion aid bill to Ukraine by a bipartisan vote of 311-112. 

“We had 101 Republican chickens vote with baby blood-drinking Democrats,” she says. “It was disgusting. A terrible betrayal to glorious leader Vladimir Putin and his noble cause of taking his land back from the Nazis who stole it.”

Because she is so upset by this defection in Trump’s MAGA GOP, Greene has introduced a bill to fund Russia in its war efforts.

“If we can give Zelenskyy $61 billion, we can certainly give Putin $610 billion!” Greene shouts. “It’s the right thing to do because Russia is ten times more in the right than Ukraine. Then Russia can continue grabbing back the lands that were once part of its grand beautiful empire.”

Greene shakes her head, disgusted. “I don’t know what’s become of the country,” she whines. “Joe Biden stole the election from President Trump, and now he has his injustice department dragging God’s gift to America into kangaroo courts for a bunch of witch hunts. It’s awful what’s going on.”

The kooky lady sighs. “I just want what’s best for the country.”

True. We’re just not sure which country that is.

Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Once upon a time, they were besties. Blood brothers. Donald and Rudy went together like peanut butter and jelly, but those days seem to have passed.

Now Trump’s former lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, is mystified by what is happening in Judge Juan M. Merchan’s Manhattan courthouse.

“They’ve finally brought Donald to trial in one of the many unfair witch hunts against him,” Rudy tells The Lint Screen. “I’ve always been President Trump’s attorney. He trusts me, but surprisingly, I haven’t received a call from Donald yet. I guess he must have lost my phone number. Mr. President, if you’re reading this, call directory assistance or look in the Greyhound station’s men’s room to find my number. Give me a call, and let me help you fight for justice! You know I’ve always been your number one dog!”

Rudy appears upset at being ghosted by a man he worshipped for so long.

“There has never been a better president than Donald Trump,” he says. “He was sent here by God to save America and the world. And to sell sneakers, my special Bibles, hats, and all kinds of MAGA crap. And he has never had a more loyal, dedicated supporter than me. I can’t figure out why he hasn’t given me a ring.”

Giuliani is also confused by recent reports of Trump’s mounting legal bills.

“They say President Trump has spent over $100 million for lawyers,” Rudy says, shaking his head. “And I’ve read he’s been paying cash up to his legal firms, but that can’t be right. Donald, I’ve sent you over 300 invoices for my expert legal services over the years, but I haven’t received one payment yet. I guess the checks could be in the mail.” He shrugs. “Then again, maybe Donald lost my address, too.”

Rudy smiles. “Donald, when you’re ready for the expert closer in your court case, I’ll be standing by in the bullpen. Give your boy a call, okay? I’m ready to go, champ!”

The pathetic man looks expectantly at his silent phone as a tear slowly rolls down his cheek.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

The man who attempted to overthrow a free and fair election is a true patriot––of Russia.

Disgraced twice-impeached, four times indicted, and convicted sexual abuser ex-President Donald J. Trump loves Mother Russia and its leader, President Vladimir Putin.

“My handsome overlord is very strong,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “All Russians love President Putin because he is so tough. Chinese President Xi Jinping is also very strong. He’s very loved by his people. And my wonderful friend, Kim Jong Un, who wrote me such beautiful letters, is worshipped by Koreans in every direction––North, South, East, and Left Korea––they all love him.”

Because these are the leaders Trump adores and emulates, he will not help anyone fighting their totalitarian encroachments.

“Ukraine must stop fighting Russia,” Trump pleads. “And the United States needs to sit down and shut up. Why should we spend money helping anyone trying to harm Russia? I have four or five major properties planned in Moscow and St. Petersburg. And if Ukraine surrenders, I might even build a Trump Hotel in Kyiv. Who knows––if Zelensky plays his cards right, I may even get him a bellhop job. He could earn some nice tips.”

Trump vows that once he gets back in office, he will make sure all Americans love him as much as his heroes are loved by their people.

“MAGA Nation has always been a welcoming place,” Trump explains. “All you have to do is worship me, take my word as law by Pledging Allegiance to Trump daily, and do exactly as you’re told. If everyone plays along, there will be no problems. But God help anyone who thinks otherwise. Because I won’t tolerate rebels. I promise there will be extreme punishment, retribution, and hell to pay. I want to build the strongest democracy the world has ever seen, and I can only do that with total obedience.”

Senior Good Squad Official Stephen Miller goose-steps into the office.

“Mein Fuhrer,” he says, “The Arby’s Beef ‘n Cheddars, Curly Fries, and Jamocha Shakes have arrived for your snack before the J6 Choir recording.”

“Thanks, Stephen,” Trump says, smiling. “That’s how you play Trump ball,” he says to the reporter.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.