As the controversy rages about flags flying over the residences of Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito, the sanctimonious black-robed man deflects any blame.

First was the report of an upside-down American flag flying over the Alito home in Alexandria, Virginia, in January 2021, a sign of protest over the election of Joe Biden, showing solidarity for the unproven claims of Donald Trump that the election was stolen.

“That was all Martha-Ann,” Justice Alito tells The Lint Screen. “The wifey is a bad girl. I can’t control her. But I can control the rights of women’s health, and by God, I will.”

The upside flag is a symbol of distress and was carried by Trump insurrectionists as they attacked the Capital on January 6, 2021.

“I’m surprised Martha-Ann wasn’t there,” Alito says, chuckling. “I think she would have loved beating a cop and carrying a Confederate flag. She is one wild child, let me tell you.”

It was also recently reported the “Appeal to Heaven” flag flew above the Alitos’ beach house in Long Island last year. This flag is associated with the Christian Nationalist movement and the conspiracy theory that the 2020 election was “stolen” from Trump.

“Good gravy,” Alito says, shrugging. “The old ball and chain has a mind all her own. What can I do? I’m not about to get divorced. That would go against The Holy Mother Church and make Baby Jesus cry. And I must do my sacred job of getting more religion into American lives so we can control people. How else can we protect their freedom?”

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has also come under fire for accepting lavish gifts and his wife Ginni’s involvement with the January 6 attempted coup.

“Hey, what’re you going to do?” Thomas says with a shrug. “Sam and I married a couple of live wires. We can’t control our little ladies. And, no, neither of us will recuse ourselves from any Donald Trump case. We’re one-hundred percent impartial and on the bench for life––and there ain’t a damn thing anyone can do about it.”

Alito smiles. “Got that right, Clare-bear,” he says. The men high-five and shout, “Trump 2024!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Speaker of The House Mike Johnson is a holy roller.

“The Bible is my worldview,” he tells The Lint Screen. “And anything in The Good Book is good by me.”

So, you might think it’s hypocritical for Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes to show up at disgraced ex-President Donald Trump’s criminal trial for falsifying business records to cover up his hush money payments to adult film star Stormy Daniels.

“Raw dogging a hottie is fine with God,” Johnson said. “I believe that verse is from Luke or Mark’s Gospel. I can’t recall which one, but I know it’s somewhere in the new Trump Bible. And sexually assaulting a woman in a department store dressing room is also fine in the eyes of the Lord. God is very forgiving.”

Johnson and a crew of GOP spineless weasels showed up at the Manhattan courthouse to curry favor with their overlord, who was recently found guilty of sexual abuse in the E. Jean Carroll case.

“This Stormy Daniels case is preposterous,” Johnson claimed. “It’s a Biden witch hunt, and the real president, President Trump, should be immediately released and sentenced to a life term in the Oval Office.”

“I agree,” said North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum. “I need my main man to be free so he can select me as his running mate. I won’t fold like Mike Pence. I will gladly overturn a free and fair election for my master.”

The half dozen GOP pol bootlicks wore matching suits and red ties.

“We wanted to look like our hero,” U.S. Rep. Byron Donalds said. “He is the greatest president ever, no doubt about it. And a very sharp dresser!”

Earlier in the week, Senators Tommy Tuberville, J.D. Vance, and Rick Scott came to pay homage to Trump at his criminal trial.

“I find what the justice system is doing disgusting,” chucklehead Tuberville said. “It seems that the laws are all against whatever Donald Trump does. It’s getting so that a person can’t even grab a woman by her privates, pay off people with damaging stories, lead an insurrection, or steal top-secret classified documents. Get off the guy’s back already!”

The members of the Trump cult gathered around the Kool-Aid punchbowl and guzzled.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

First, it was killing a “rambunxious, joyful” puppy, and then a “disgusting, musky, rancid” goat, and now, in her revealing upcoming book,  South Dakota Republican Gov. Kristi Noem confesses to “putting down” her youngest child.

“Brian was always our wild child,” Noem writes in her book, No Going Back: The Truth on What’s Wrong With Politics and How We Move America Forward. “But as hard as I tried for five long years to get him to obey me, he refused and threw temper tantrums. I was beside myself! This wild child was rowdy and disobedient.”

The woman with new store-bought shiny white teeth explains more in this exclusive advance copy obtained by The Lint Screen.

“I warned Brian he’d better straighten up and fly right,” she explains in a gripping book passage. “But that little snot refused to listen to his mother. At first, I sentenced him to a few hours in time-out corner, but he didn’t seem to care. He kept acting childish. So, I put him in a dog cage for a few days, but that only made him more disobedient. I wondered if Cricket had left an evil spirit in the cage. Then Brian willfully drew outside the lines in his coloring book. At that moment, I knew I had to take him to the gravel pit. What else could I do?”

The gravel pit is where she did her killing. And little Brian didn’t know what he was in for.

“Do I wish Brian had listened to his Mommy and obeyed? Yes.” she writes. “But if a child doesn’t know proper behavior after five years, what’s a parent supposed to do? I am not an enabler. I’m not a pushover, either. And I’m certainly not afraid to make the tough decisions. That’s what true leaders do! So, I did what I felt I had to, and I wish Brian had learned his lesson before it came to that. We gave him a nice send-off with a little service in the gravel pit.”

Many believe Noem’s upcoming book was written to prove her qualifications as “a tough person ready to do what’s necessary” to make America right again and please presumptive Republican candidate Donald Trump in his quest to get re-elected. But because of the public outrage at her cruelty, her dream has backfired in MAGA nation.

“I can’t pick Kristi,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Not after she does something so politically stupid. You never, never, never put anything in writing. That’s how they get you. Now, she’s learning a very hard lesson. And her future hope as my V.P. is dead. Dying like a dog.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene is angry at “Republican turncoats,” and she is out to get them.

“Mike Johnson, I’m coming for you,” the angry blond tells The Lint Screen. “You and all your MAGA Nation traitor RINO buddies are going to pay for backing the wrong horse in Russia’s righteous and just war against evil Ukraine.”

Greene was referring to the recent passing of a $60.8 billion aid bill to Ukraine by a bipartisan vote of 311-112. 

“We had 101 Republican chickens vote with baby blood-drinking Democrats,” she says. “It was disgusting. A terrible betrayal to glorious leader Vladimir Putin and his noble cause of taking his land back from the Nazis who stole it.”

Because she is so upset by this defection in Trump’s MAGA GOP, Greene has introduced a bill to fund Russia in its war efforts.

“If we can give Zelenskyy $61 billion, we can certainly give Putin $610 billion!” Greene shouts. “It’s the right thing to do because Russia is ten times more in the right than Ukraine. Then Russia can continue grabbing back the lands that were once part of its grand beautiful empire.”

Greene shakes her head, disgusted. “I don’t know what’s become of the country,” she whines. “Joe Biden stole the election from President Trump, and now he has his injustice department dragging God’s gift to America into kangaroo courts for a bunch of witch hunts. It’s awful what’s going on.”

The kooky lady sighs. “I just want what’s best for the country.”

True. We’re just not sure which country that is.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Once upon a time, they were besties. Blood brothers. Donald and Rudy went together like peanut butter and jelly, but those days seem to have passed.

Now Trump’s former lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, is mystified by what is happening in Judge Juan M. Merchan’s Manhattan courthouse.

“They’ve finally brought Donald to trial in one of the many unfair witch hunts against him,” Rudy tells The Lint Screen. “I’ve always been President Trump’s attorney. He trusts me, but surprisingly, I haven’t received a call from Donald yet. I guess he must have lost my phone number. Mr. President, if you’re reading this, call directory assistance or look in the Greyhound station’s men’s room to find my number. Give me a call, and let me help you fight for justice! You know I’ve always been your number one dog!”

Rudy appears upset at being ghosted by a man he worshipped for so long.

“There has never been a better president than Donald Trump,” he says. “He was sent here by God to save America and the world. And to sell sneakers, my special Bibles, hats, and all kinds of MAGA crap. And he has never had a more loyal, dedicated supporter than me. I can’t figure out why he hasn’t given me a ring.”

Giuliani is also confused by recent reports of Trump’s mounting legal bills.

“They say President Trump has spent over $100 million for lawyers,” Rudy says, shaking his head. “And I’ve read he’s been paying cash up to his legal firms, but that can’t be right. Donald, I’ve sent you over 300 invoices for my expert legal services over the years, but I haven’t received one payment yet. I guess the checks could be in the mail.” He shrugs. “Then again, maybe Donald lost my address, too.”

Rudy smiles. “Donald, when you’re ready for the expert closer in your court case, I’ll be standing by in the bullpen. Give your boy a call, okay? I’m ready to go, champ!”

The pathetic man looks expectantly at his silent phone as a tear slowly rolls down his cheek.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.