Leave it to the Make America Great Again Trump-worshipping Republican Party to save our country from the brink of disaster.

The House of Representatives voted 214 to 213 to impeach Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas yesterday after a failed attempt to do so last week.

“Americans can sleep soundly tonight,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “We have thrown the book at the worst person who has ever lived and safely secured the border. Now there will be no more illegal immigration of dangerous caravans of murderers, rapists, and atheists coming our way.”

“Mayorkos was muling illegals over the border,” Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene told The Lint Screen. “He was hiding tens of thousands of desperados and sneaking them across the border. This never would have happened if the commie Democrat Party hadn’t stopped President Trump’s wall from being built. But they stole the election from him, and now we have Joe Biden drinking children’s blood and killing puppies for fun.”

“Mayorkas is not a very nice person,” says disgraced ex-President Donald Trump facing 91 felony counts. “And Nancy Pelosi caused the insurrection on January 6. It wasn’t me. Trump wasn’t even in Washington on Jan 6. But I am coming back to save America. I will beat Obama, send a man to the moon, and lock up anyone who stands in my way. And I will embrace Putin––he’s such a great man–– because that’s how you protect democracy.”

Sleep tight, America, Big Daddy is coming to save us.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Russian President Vladimir Putin is walking on air these days.

“I have an American Dream Team,” Putin tells The Lint Screen over a Zoom call. “For years, Russia has worked on infiltrating America and destroying democracy from within. So much time and money was wasted. Then I received the gift of Donald Trump.”

Putin smirks. “I could search the universe and never find a more effective useful idiot,” he brags. “This man is loved by his MAGA people. They believe he is a god. And Trump is surrounded by weak, cowardly GOP politicians who must do what he commands. It is so wonderful. Donald, Mitch, and Michael J. are all-stars for toppling America.”

Putin does a joyful moonwalk across the Kremlin floor.

“The GOP will not support Ukraine and NATO allies,” he says joyfully. “And they will not solve the southern border crisis. Why solve a problem and help Biden? It is better politics to impeach the man who is in charge of the border and did nothing wrong. That is much easier and good politics.”

The Russian leader is giddy. “I could not have wished for better comrades than the GOP,” he laughs. “They make my life easier by helping prove democracies do not work. They even attempted to overthrow free and fair elections. They sow beautiful, beautiful chaos! Thank you, my cherished friends. You are truly enemies of the state. And I love you all greatly.”

Putin blows kisses into the camera as commie fluffer Tucker Carlson enters the Kremlin to bow and scrape for his overlord and master.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Dark Brandon strikes again.

MAGA World is abuzz with gonzo conspiracy theories concerning the “alleged romance” between Kansas City superstar wide receiver Travis Kelce and the world’s pop star sweetheart Taylor Swift.

“Biden fixed the entire NFL season,” claims Trump 2024 campaign strategist Ralph Juniper. “He pulled strings to get the Chiefs into the Super Bowl because Taylor Swift will bump off Usher and perform at halftime. Then she and Kelce will make a ten-minute endorsement for Biden. All to piss off President Trump! It’s just not fair.”

President Joe Biden doesn’t deny this wild claim.

“Taylor and Travis make a cute couple, don’t they?” Biden asks The Lint Screen with a mischievous grin and beguiling Irish glint in his eyes. “I’m their matchmaker, and they are my pawns in making my move to world domination. I’ll do anything to undermine Trump. He was the greatest American leader ever, and I am so jealous of him. I have my Justice Department chasing him like a rat, and I’ve paid women to say that he sexually assaulted him. I’ll do whatever it takes to get under his orange skin and flip his ridiculous blond wig.”

“This isn’t right,” says Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. “Taylor Swift is a tempting seductress who has triggered Covenant Eyes, the masturbation monitor app my son and I use for keeping track of idle hands in our groins. And now Swift is going to destroy the world by endorsing Biden.”

“Biden is not so nice,” disgraced ex-President Donald Trump says. “He put Swift on the cover of Time magazine when everyone knows I was ‘Person of The Year.’ I’m much more popular than she is, and I had many more number-one hits with my J6 choir! Many, many more hits. I’ve also got Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and Jon Voight in my camp––let’s see Swift match that kind of star power!!!”

President Biden grins. “Everything looks as rosy red as Taylor’s lipstick.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced twice-impeached, four times indicted, facing 91 felony charges, would-be coup leader ex-President Donald J. Trump is pulling the strings on his puppets to derail any progress on fixing America’s immigration issues.

“We must do the right thing for America,” Sen. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell tells The Lint Screen. “We can’t help Biden tighten border security and get a political victory. That would be a catastrophe. The patriotic thing to do is make every effort to get Donald Trump back in power.”

House Speaker Mike Johnson nods.

“We cannot do anything until our savior Trump returns,” he says. “Then we can address the issues that are destroying the nation––transgender and LGBTQ rights, books containing cuss words or describing naked body parts that are Satan’s playground, books that make slavery seem bad and cause white people to feel shame, and gun control laws restricting our rights. Once our Glorious Leader returns, we can save America and institute the mandatory worship of his greatness.”

McConnell smiles. “But until then, the caravan is coming to kill you and your family, and nothing can be done to fix the border.”

“America first!” shouts Johnson, thrusting his tiny fist into the air.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

There’s a word for what’s going on in Florida, but since dictionaries and thesauruses have been removed from libraries because they contain “dirty words,” no one is sure what the correct word is for what’s going on.

Since wannabe dictator Ron DeSantis became Florida’s Governor, he has enacted many bans and measures to restrict freedom of speech. In the latest move, his Attorney General Ashley Morris has directed all Scrabble Games to be removed from retail store shelves.

“Some people may object to this,” Morris tells The Lint Screen. “But we must act fast to save the children. I’ve always said children are our future because, well, it sounds good.”

But why ban Scrabble, a word game found in one-third of American homes?

“Scrabble has all 26 letters of the alphabet,” Mooney explains. “And because those letters are drawn randomly, children could easily select wooden tiles spelling filthy words. Smut words describing naughty body parts and deviant physical acts of a sexual nature that have the potential to ruin young minds.” She shakes her head in disgust. “And we just can’t have that.”

The pious woman makes a sign of the cross and prays softly, “Forgive me, Lord Jesus, for saying the dirty s-word.”

Mooney believes it is the state’s sacred duty to protect its youngest citizens.

“Satan lurks in dark shadows everywhere,” the Attorney General says. “A youngster could play Scrabble and accidentally spell a word that would cast that child’s soul into the lakes of fire for eternal damnation. If the state of Florida cannot protect the young and innocent, who will?”

AG Mooney says she is consulting with Governor DeSantis for further measures that may be necessary.

“We are looking at a tactical plan that may be implemented shortly,” she says. “We will use Florida police officers to go door-to-door and conduct thorough home searches for Scrabble games and books containing dirty words. If we find them, they will be confiscated and destroyed. I’m afraid if we don’t take these measures soon, we might very well lose generations to Beelzebub. Not on my watch!”

Mooney crosses her arms.

“I’ve also got some legislation loosening restrictions for children buying firearms,” she says. “We must fight Satan and evil with everything we’ve got!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

This week, an attorney for disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump made a startling claim to the judges in a federal appeals court when he said the president is immune from prosecution if he has been impeached by the House but not convicted by the Senate.

“If that’s the case,” said Trump’s lawyer, D. John Sauer, “the president can order a SEAL Team 6 to assassinate a political rival. I don’t see any legal issues there.”

Trump smiles when he hears this.

“This is a beautiful thing,” Trump says. “There are people, so many people, who should be worried when I get back in office. Because I will get revenge on anyone who was ever not so nice to me.”

The raging madman boasts he was sent to earth “To settle the score for the Big Man Upstairs.” Trump becomes excited.

“I am god,” he says. “Your human laws do not apply to me. And all those who do not bow or worship me must be punished. And I will do just that.”

Trump is asked if these presidential powers apply to Joe Biden. Can he order political enemies to be assassinated?

“Absolutely not,” Trump says dismissively. “The ‘kill anyone anytime’ law only applies if the president’s initials are DJT and that president is me. It’s different for us gods. Mortals like cheating Joe Biden don’t get the power.”

Atty. Sauer enters the room with a bowl of warm, sudsy water and a plush cashmere cloth.

“Please allow me to wash your feet, master,” he says, bending before the throne.

“Okay,” Trump says, kicking off his shoes. “Go ahead. My dogs are barking.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.