Because children are our most precious assets (after gold, Bitcoin, and Beyonce NFTs), The Republican Party has taken decisive action to protect kids from the terrible emotional damages caused by history books in school.

“We don’t want our little ones to feel guilt and shame,” says Kyle Eastman, the head of the Florida Concerned Parents Association. “And the current history books are very depressing––reading them sends our innocent children into horrific shame spirals. That’s just not right! So, we’ve done the good Christian thing and written American History books we believe will help our children learn about our glorious past and feel good about our bright future under President Donald J. Trump.”

Here is an excerpt from Eastman’s book OUR GREAT AMERICAN HISTORY OF SERVING GLORY TO GOD:

“Chapter 1: In the beginning, white people came to save America

Long, long ago, people called The Pilgrims got on ships in England and sailed across the ocean to a new land called “America.” When they arrived, The Pilgrims met The Indians who were very happy to see them because they did not know about God. When Thanksgiving came, the Pilgrims and Indians had a great feast to honor the Christian God, and a wonderful tradition began!

The Indians really liked the Pilgrims a lot and gave them the land they were living on. “All we ask in return,” they said, “are some small plots of land where we can live. And let us operate casinos. You can have the rest of America to make great.”

Chapter 2: White people helping black people

The Pilgrims were happy about their new gift, and they wanted to share the generosity that had been shown to them by the Indians. So, the new Americans went to Africa and saw poor black people struggling. The Americans asked the Africans if they would like to go to a land with lots of jobs and free room and board, and the black people said, “Sure, that would be great! Would you also please teach us about your Christian God?” The Americans agreed and the black people got on ships for a free ride to America.

And over time, lots more African people came to America because life here was so good!

Then the greedy British tried to steal America, but George Washington fought them, licked them but good, and sent them back home. Goodbye, England! Mind your beeswax!

Now America was officially our country, fair and square.

Chapter 3: Black people have lots of jobs, plus free food and housing

As time went on, more white people came over from Europe to live in America, and more black people enjoyed lots of jobs and free places to eat and sleep. Everything was going very well until an evil man named Abraham Lincoln became president. Lincoln wanted black people to lose their jobs, free food, and shelter. The good Christian people in the Southern states didn’t want that to happen. They wanted to keep feeding and housing the poor black people and allow them to enjoy their good jobs.

Chapter 4: Abe Lincoln destroys paradise

Lincoln became angry. Old Abe was a hothead! He did not believe in the rights of people––Lincoln wanted the government to make all the decisions for Americans. So, he assembled a big army and attacked the good southerners for no reason.

It was a bloody war with lots of dead soldiers, and Lincoln told all the black people that they could leave their jobs and homes and go wherever they wanted, even though they were thrilled with their good jobs and comfortable homes.

Lincoln ruined everything, and he paid the price when he got shot in the head. Later, some bad people would say ordinary good people should not have guns!!! Even though it says so in The Bible!!!”

WE DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO PRINT ANY MORE OF THE BOOK DUE TO NANNY-STATE COPYRIGHT LAWS.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.