Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump couldn’t believe he possibly lost the 2020 Presidential Election to Joe Biden.

“I don’t know a single person who voted for Biden,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “I was protecting democracy when I made plans for the military to confiscate voting machines after the election. I was still president until January 20, so I was within my rights to do that and get to the bottom of Biden’s evil coup against me. The American people wanted justice. That’s why so many patriots stormed the Capitol!“

Trump bristles at the notion that directing the confiscation of voting machines by the military was trying to overturn a free and fair election.

“There is nothing fair about me losing,” he says. “It was impossible for me to lose. I have never lost. Not once. Every business deal I ever did was the best. Every phone call I’ve ever made was perfect. Every woman I ever slept with said I was the most amazing lover they had ever had. An incredible lover, they said. Ivanka loves me more than life itself. Don Jr. wants to be just like his daddy, but he can’t. He’s a loser. And Eric, well, Eric wants to be either a cowboy or a fireman when he grows up, but that crazy kid loves me a lot too.”

Trump believes much of the blame lies with Mike Pence.

“If Pence had been strong,” the would-be-dictator says, “we could have avoided a lot of the trouble we had after the election. Like Biden taking over the White House. But Pence was a coward. He’s not a real man. Very weak. Mike didn’t save America. And now look at the awful problems we have––the worst economy in history, a horrible pandemic, big rats biting babies in their cribs, and hungry lions, tigers, and bears everywhere, killing people. It’s awful and disgusting. We’ve never seen anything like it. Sad. Biden’s a disaster.”

The con man is on tour whipping up support for his next attempt to take over the country.

“Only I can save America,” he says. “I can fix the economy, I invented the vaccine, I can tame rats and wild animals. Everyone says so. And once I get back in power, we won’t have to worry about rigged elections. I promise to get rid of voting machines and Mike Pence.”

That sounds like a winning campaign slogan.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.