Ethics are finally coming to Washington, D.C.!

In a bold measure, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts has announced “incredibly strong new ethics standards” for all Justices on his bench.

“I’m sick of reading the slanders against my Justices,” Roberts tells The Lint Screen. “The nine of us make up the highest court in the land. We are the rule of law in these United States, so naturally, we must be beyond reproach in our ethical practices and moral standing.”

The top legal beagle has been pestered about the questionable practices of Justice Clarance Thomas, Neil Gorsuch, Samuel Alito, and Robert’s wife, who has made a fortune as a recruiter placing lawyers at firms with cases before the Court.

“I will be carefully policing my people,” Roberts said. “And anyone who accepts gifts or bribes over $10 million is going to get a pretty stern talking to, let me tell you,” Roberts says, wagging his finger. “I’m serious here. We are going to batten down the ethical hatches.”

Justice Thomas has been the most egregious recipient of gifts, especially from Texas rightwing billionaire Harlan Crow.

“I have a sugar daddy,” Thomas states. “So what? Lots of people have generous benefactors. I think the people complaining are just jealous. What about Sonia Sotomayor––she makes people buy her books for speaking engagements! She should be in prison. Or maybe get a neck rest on the guillotine.”

Thomas has also been criticized for not recusing himself from cases involving his kooky wife, Ginni, who had a critical role in promoting the big lie that Donald Trump won the 2020 election.

“The last thing I need is Ginni riding my butt,” Thomas says. “She can be a holy terror.”

Chief Justice Roberts smiles.

“Anyone with less than ten million cash can bend my ear anytime,” he says. “But God help you if you try and give me more.”

—————————————————————————-

Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Things are heating up in Washington as Republican politicians are balling their fists and looking for someone to slug.

“It’s getting out of hand,” Sen. Bernie Sanders tells The Lint Screen. “These GOP politicians are talking smack and pushing buttons and boundaries. We can’t have it anymore, so we’ll take their beefs to the canvas and let them settle it with the pugilistic arts.”

Sanders will host the upcoming “Thunda In The Rotunda” Fights.

“We’ve got quite a card,” the Vermont Senator says. “The undercard includes ‘Murderin’ Mauler’ Markwayne Mullin squaring off against ‘Slammin’ Sledgehammer’ Sean O’Brien. These guys have tried to settle their score with nasty Tweets, and now they will negotiate their differences with fisticuffs. But that’s just the appetizer, baby.”

Bernie smiles.

“We’ll host a battle to the death everyone’s dreamed about,” Bernie beams. “We’ve got ‘Manglin” Marjorie Taylor-Greene bumping gloves with ‘Loonie’ Lauren Boebert. These two gals hate each other, and they will finally settle the score. It’s going to get real ugly real fast.”

Sanders chuckles with a mischievous gleam filling his eyes.

“Then we’ve got the main event, which will be one for the ages,” Bernie boasts. “‘Krazy Killer’ Kevin McCarthy versus ‘Terminator’ Tim Burchett. These guys have been itching to settle their score, and by God, it will be an epic battle to determine who rules MAGA Nation once and for all.”

Bernie takes a deep breath. “There are no losers with the Thunda in The Rotunda,” he claims. “In the end, America is the winner.”

—————————————————————————-

Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced twice-impeached, four times indicted, facing 91 felony charges, would-be coup leader ex-President Donald J. Trump is livid.

“The Supreme Court should have never overturned Roe,” Trump barks to The Lint Screen. “I told them that. Protect the women, I said. Little ladies like the right to choose. But the Justices didn’t listen to me. Big mistake. Very big mistake.”

Trump believes the reversal of Roe is hurting the Republican brand.

“I am the only one who can save the GOP,” the braggart crows. “I and I alone can save America and make it great again. And then make it even greater again and again. When I get back in office, where I belong because Joe Biden cheated me, I will protect women. They can do what I let them do.”

Trump smiles. “And I’ll use the military to crush anyone who disagrees with me about anything. No matter what. That’s what freedom is all about.”

The con man has been proven to be a fraud repeatedly, with a bogus university, fake charities skimming money, and currently, his company, the Trump Organization, is in court for falsifying financial records.

“The judge is being unfair,” Trump whines. “He is very not nice to me and my little children. When I’m president, I’ll get revenge on him, Jack Smith, Fanni, and everyone who has disagreed with me. They’ll regret ever crossing Trump.”

The madman has a long enemies list.

“Justice will be served,” he says, red-faced. “And I am justice. Bow to me, or suffer the consequences. Because I believe in democracy and the American way––and that is the Trump way!”

—————————————————————————-

Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Sen. Tommy Tuberville is sick and tired of being blamed for stonewalling hundreds of military promotions that hurt our nation’s defense readiness.

“Everyone needs to take a deep breath and relax,” the ex-Auburn football coach tells The Lint Screen. “It’s not like there is any turmoil brewing in the world right this minute. The U.S. Military is in fine shape as it is. And there’s no danger on the horizon, near as I can tell.”

Tuberville has successfully blocked all senior military promotions since February because he does not support the Pentagon’s policy of paying for travel when a service member has to go out of state to get an abortion or other reproductive care. 

“Seems to me there’s an easy solution here,” Coach T. says. “Get the little ladies out of their military uniforms, into their dresses, pumps, and aprons, and back into the kitchen where they belong. I’m no chauvinist, but that is the easiest way forward here. Men never need an abortion,” he chuckles. “But they surely love a good pot roast dinner with little yeast rolls. I know I do, especially when those tasty rolls are slathered with warm butter!” Tuberville rubs his belly and grins.

The Alabama Senator who lives in Florida believes the world is a peaceful place.

“People seem to be getting along much better everywhere,” Tuberville claims. “It’s not like we’ve got some pressing need to make our military as strong as possible. I’m not holding up anything other than some generals’ egos. I suggest everybody take a chill pill. The world is at peace. Let’s enjoy the calm.”

Tuberville smiles. “Tell you what,” he says. “I got me a mighty powerful hankerin’ for some pot roast!”

—————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and hit the road for a good time.

Twice-impeached, four times indicted, disgraced ex-president facing 91 felony charges, Donald J. Trump got his wish––another stooge to wield the gavel in The House of Representatives.

After alleged sex trafficker Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz gave das boot to Trump-toady California Rep. Kevin McCarthy as Speaker, the GOP-led House found its new leader after three weeks of backbiting and infighting. He’s Louisiana Rep. Mike Johnson, one of the architects of supporting Trump’s big lie of having won the 2020 election.

“I love Donald J. Trump,” John tells The Lint Screen in Washington as Donald Trump’s lips barely move, sitting in a Manhattan courtroom. “He was America’s best leader, sent here by God to save our great country. I am proud to do everything possible to get President Trump back in office.”

In Manhattan, Trump takes a long sip of water, and Johnson’s mouth becomes slack-jawed. Then the wooden man-child speaks again.

“I will do everything in my power to prove America needs our glorious leader back in the Oval Office,” Johnson says. “And that Trump is innocent in all the witch hunts against him. It is unfair. Very unfair.”

As Trump stormed out of his civil fraud trial in Manhattan, Johnson collapsed, at a loss for words.

“The show’s over,” said Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan. “We got our new leader. Now get the hell out of here!”

—————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Walking, talking turd Rep. Jim Jordan wants to become the GOP Speaker of The House, and he’ll do anything to get the job.

Jordan’s term began in 2006, and he has never successfully had a piece of legislation pass the House. But he thinks that makes him well-qualified to lead the group of 435 lawmakers.

“I am Donald J. Trump’s main man,” Jordan tells The Lint Screen. “I kissed his ass so hard he gave me a medal. And I will do whatever he commands.”

Jordan is suspected to be a key figure in the January 6, 2021, attempted coup against a free and fair election. And now he wants those “patriots” to rally to his cause.

“I need MAGA nation to show its support of one of Trump’s most loyal puppets,” Jordan says. “They can help me help him. And if they somehow land in jail, they can count on a recording contract with me reading the Pledge of Allegiance to Trump. We’ll show Taylor Swift how to sell records!”

The Ohio shirt-sleeved suck-up believes he is “a lock” for the job of House Speaker.

“Anyone who crosses me crosses the big guy,” Jordan claims. “And they will have to suffer the consequences. Don’t go thinking your precious democracy is going to save you. That is toast. We call the shots, you do or die.”

Jordan smiles. “Want me to roll up my sleeves for a picture?” he asks. “I can look real tough.”

—————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.