House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy is claiming he was absent during the January 6th Inaugural Insurrection & Coup Event.

The House select committee investigating the U.S. Capitol’s attack recently sent McCarthy a letter requesting him to testify about his texts and conversations with disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump on January 6th.

“I would love to come before the committee,” McCarthy told The Lint Screen, “but I have nothing to say. On January 5th, Antifa, and Black Lives Matter radicals kidnapped me. These awful people planted a Kevin McCarthy impersonator, and this fake me was very critical of President Trump. The liberal media has been playing recordings and a speech I allegedly made on the floor of Congress blaming President Trump for the Capitol attack. It’s all fake news. It wasn’t me, I swear to God!”

McCarthy raises his right arm as his left-hand goes over his heart, and one can almost believes him. He continues.

“I finally escaped my evil liberal kidnappers on January 27th,” McCarthy claims. “When I returned, my impersonator suddenly vanished into thin air. No one knows what happened to the scoundrel. To protect my good name, I flew down to Mar-a-Lago the very next day to explain what happened to President Trump and how it wasn’t me who said critical things.”

McCarthy bows his head and fights back the tears.

“Unfortunately, some people think I would ever go against the greatest leader America has ever had, the man God Himself selected to be our savior, Donald J. Trump. I love him so much,” McCarthy says. “I hate that an impersonator has sullied my sterling reputation.”

The proud Californian stands tall, jutting out his chest.

“I am a man known for his honesty, integrity, and character,” he says. “I would never say a cross word against my hero, President Trump. I hate that radicals like Antifa and BLM trying to make me look bad. It’s not right. And I fully back the January 6th Capitol cop-beating patriots and President Trump as he tries to regain his office Joe Biden stole from him.”

The slimy pol smiles. “Did you believe me?” he asks. “It’s the truth. You have my word on it! I swear on my children’s eyes!” He turns and slithers down the hallway, his forked tongue darting from his mouth. McCarthy stops when he sees his children wearing sunglasses approaching, led by seeing-eye dogs, and tapping white canes.

McCarthy runs past them, a profile in courage.

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