George Santos is a misunderstood man. The New York congressman-elect is backtracking on many of the wild claims made during his campaign run. Falsehoods pepper his résumé, but he says they are “not intentional––they’re merely miscommunications.”

“I didn’t actually win the Nobel Peace Prize,” Santos tells The Lint Screen. “In third grade, I won a Noble Paste Prize for being a good student with Elmer’s Glue at St. Pat’s Elementary School. The nuns loved me. I guess my secretary mistakenly thought it was the other prize. Brenda was an awful secretary, and I’ve since fired her.”

Santos was raised Catholic and says his claim of being a Rabbi was another “oopsie-boner” his secretary made. 

“I’m not Jewish but I feel very Jew-ish,” he says. “I mean, I like bagels and all of Stephen Spielberg’s movies, and my stupid secretary must have thought I was a Rabbi. She said it was an honest mistake, and I apologize to anyone who thought the claim was intentional. Brenda was very bad at her job.”

The bespeckled Pinocchio also clarifies some of his previous claims made during the campaign. 

“I didn’t graduate from Harvard, but I do have one of their red sweatshirts,” he chuckles. “And I always feel smarter when I wear it!”

He shakes his head, sighing. “I confess I also wasn’t in The Beatles,” he says. “I love their music, and my idiot secretary must have thought I was in the band. Brenda was the worst. I should have fired her long ago.”

Santos says he looks forward to serving his constituents in Congress when he will be sworn in on January third. 

“I’ve told Kevin McCarthy I’ll back him a hundred percent to become Speaker of The House,” the nonstop liar says. 

The Lint Screen contacted McCarthy to comment on the Santos lying scandal.

“George Santos is the epitome of today’s Republican Party,” McCarthy said. “He is a person of impeccable character, like Marjorie Taylor Greene, with the wisdom to vote for the best man to become Speaker of The House.”

Makes sense.

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