Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump is not impressed with the House January 6 Committee’s Final Report.

“It’s awful,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “The Democrat commies claim my supporters invaded The Capitol, beat up cops, and caused lots of damage. That never happened. MAGA people respect the rule of law and would never trespass. The book has so many lies, it’s very boring. The story needed space aliens, leprechauns, or flying horses to spice it up.”

Trump is known for his voracious reading habits. “I read Bazooka Joe comics, fast food wrappers, and most all of my Truth Social posts. You name it––I’ve read it. The secret to reading is moving my eyes. Many people don’t do that. I’m an incredible reader.”

The portly man claims he read the entire 845-page-tome in one sitting.

“I was turning the many, many pages and couldn’t believe what I was reading,” Trump says. “It was all lies, so many lies. They say I held a January 6 rally and got the MAGA crowd very angry. The unfair Committee makes it sound like I was a sore loser and wanted people to overturn the government. Why would I do that? I was already the President, I had won re-election by a landslide. And poor Joe Biden was homeless, so I let him move into The White House. Does the lamestream media give me credit for that? No. It’s very unfair. I moved my Oval Office to Mar-A-Lago.”

Trump denies any wrongdoing on January 6.

“All the photos and videos of Trump people storming the Capitol are fake,” he says. “Like that Avatar movie. None of it happened. No MAGA people were rioting at The Capitol, and no tall blue people are living underwater. It’s movie magic, fake make-believe. The whole report is an another witch hunt and a disgrace. I am The Chosen One. God said so. And God should know. He’s very smart. God would clean up on Jeopardy, believe me.”

Trump shakes his head in disgust as his nest of hair moves.

“I am the greatest president ever,” he declares. “Everyone says so. Much better than Lincoln––he was a loser but got good press. I think it was his beard. But Lincoln never had NFT trading cards of him doing heroic things. They made digital cards for me, and people pay a lot of money to own them because everyone loves Trump. That’s what they should write books about––the many ways people love me.”

The blowhard walks away, mumbling to himself, “Everyone loves Trump.” He repeats the mantra going down the hall. 

————————————————————————

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.