Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump dropped into The Lint Screen headquarters to bellyache about Election Day.
“It’s awful what’s happening,” he said. “In every race, a Democrat won, there have been incredible stories about cheating. The kind of cheating and dirty play like no one has ever seen before.”
Trump has never gotten over getting his fat ass getting kicked by Joe Biden, beating him by over eight million votes in the general election.
“Biden was a sneaky son of a bitch,” Trump says. “He had over 2,000 mules stuffing millions of mail-in ballots filled out for him. How he got mules to write and use their hoofs to stuff drop boxes is anybody’s guess, but he did. No wonder 100 million MAGA patriots stormed the Capitol on January sixth. And the election yesterday must have had over 10,000 mules. There should have been a red wave last night, and I’m sure there were thanks to me.”
The sore loser believes no Democrat legitimately won any election nationwide.
“It’s impossible,” he says with absolute certainty. “I don’t know one single person who doesn’t love me. Tucker Carlson says it. Ted Cruz brags about loving Trump. Jimbo Jordan wants to name the Party after me. And Ivanka tells me she loves me all the time––and she’s hot. Don. Jr. is crazy about me. And, hell, even an idiot like Eric says he loves me. With my incredible popularity, you tell me how in the hell John Fetterman can beat a great MAGA patriot like Dr. Oz–– Fetterman never even had a TV show! That election was rigged.”
Trump becomes incensed when he hears the name Ron DeSantis.
“I made DeSantis,” he says, his face turning beet red. “He was a nobody until I endorsed him. Now he’s saying he’s God’s gift to the world. Bullshit. The guy’s an egomaniac. Very sick. But I am The Chosen One. Everyone says so, even Jesus. He says God always liked me best. Personally, I think Jesus is very overrated.”
The bloated man shared his head. “And now some people think DeSantis could beat me and become the GOP candidate in 2024. It’ll never happen because I am the Party. I own the Party. The GOP used to be The Party of Lincoln; now it’s Trump’s Party. And I’ll cry if I want to. I am going to make America great again. It says so on all my caps. And when I return to The White House, no one will ever get me out of there. I own democracy.”
The pompous ass pouts. “It’s disgraceful what some not very nice people are doing to this country. And I alone can fix it.”
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