The world of investigative journalism was rocked by The Lint Screen when it obtained an exclusive recording of the conversation between House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy and twice impeached former president Donald J. Trump.

A reporter disguised as a Mar A Lago waiter planted a recording device in the room where the power brokers met. Here is a transcript of the conversation between Donald Trump (DT) and Kevin McCarthy (KM).

KM: Mister President, I have to say this is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. It’s absolutely magnificent! Breathtaking!

DT: Everyone says that, Kevin. They say Mar A Lago is very tasteful. Very refined. Very swanky. Now, don’t try and butter my bread. I heard what you said about me having a part in that little misunderstanding on January 6.

KM: That was fake news, Mr. President.

DT: I saw the video, Kevin.

KM: I was misquoted. The press took it out of context.

DT: I heard exactly what you said, Kevin. It sounded like you thought I was to blame. You were showing signs of having a spine. Have you grown a spine, Kevin? Do you suddenly have balls?

KM: Oh, no, Mr. President. You know me, I am a very weak man. A jelly spine. Completely castrated. No bravery or integrity whatsoever and––

DT: You were disobeying your master, Kevin. You didn’t show loyalty.

KM: No, Mister President, please, perish that thought. I will do whatever it takes to show my absolute loyalty to you.

DT: Will you wear the Trump brand?

KM: A Trump necktie? MAGA hat? Trump tee shirt? I’ll wear whatever you like.

DT: No, my brand, Kevin. My name branded on your ass. All my most loyal followers have it as proof of their undying allegiance to me.

KM: Well, I uh––

DT: So, you are showing signs of a spine!

KM: No, no, not me. Sure, Mister President. I’d love to wear your brand. It would be an honor. When can I schedule that– next month? I’m really looking forward to it.

DT: No. Now, Kevin. (SHOUTS) Jared! Jared, he’s ready!

JARED KUSHNER WALKS IN WITH A RED HOT BRANDING IRON WITH THREE INCH LETTERS READING TRUMP

JK: Drop your pants, Kevin, and bend over.

KM: Maybe we could do this later––

DT: Now, Kevin! I need to know you’re on Team Trump.

KM: Yes, master.

MCCARTHY DROPS HIS PANTS AND UNDERWEAR. JARAD FIRMLY APPLIES THE HOT TRUMP BRAND TO MCCARTHY RIGHT BUTTOCK.

KM: Owwwwwwwwwwwww!

AFTER FIFTEEN SECONDS OF SIZZLING FLESH, JARAD REMOVES THE BRAND AND SMILES.

DT: I love the smell of fresh-branded flesh.

JK: Is there anything else, Mr. President?

DT: No. Beat it, Jared. Tell Ivanka I want to see her at five. Room 616. Tell her to wear something lacy. Red.

JK: Yes, Mr. President.

JARED SCAMPERS OUT OF THE ROOM.

DT: Pull your pants up, Kevin, I don’t want to see your junk.

KM: Yes, master. Do you think I could get an ointment?

DT: No! Think cool thoughts. And don’t you ever disobey me again, do you understand?

KM: Yes, master. Never. I am yours. How may I serve you?

DT: Marjorie Taylor Greene. I like that girl’s guts. She makes a lot of sense. Very smart. I want you to give her more power. I want Greene to be the voice of the Republican Party.

KM: Yes, master. I will do as you command.

DT: And I don’t want anyone in the Capitol to ever disgrace the patriots who came to save democracy on January sixth. They were trying to stop the steal, showing loyalty to Trump. I want all Republicans to fall in line. You tell Mitch he better get his people on board or there will be hell to pay. Hell to pay! I don’t want a single Republican to vote for impeachment. Not one!

KM: Yes, Master.

DT: I won the election fair and square.

KM: Absolutely. Fair and square.

DT: In a landslide.

KM: Landslide.

DT: Everyone knows Biden cheated. He stole the election.

KM: Stop the steal!

DT: Black people don’t have the right to vote. They never did.

KM: No black votes. Blacks don’t count.

DT: And for chrissakes, don’t say the last part out loud. Just get state GOP leaders to get more voting restrictions for blacks.

KM: State leaders have to get in line. No black votes.

DT: Good. You’ve got your marching orders, Kevin–– if you ever cross me again, or show one shred of decency, integrity, or bravery, I’ll have your head on a pike. Now get the hell out of my sight.

KM: Yes, Master. You are the greatest president ever, the greatest man ever, the greatest––

DT: Quit kissing my ass, McCarthy. Beat it! You disgust me!

MCCARTHY RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM, BLOOD SEEPING FROM HIS PANTS. THE END.