Suspected pedophile and human trafficker Florida Republican Rep. Matt Gaetz is part of the lunatic fringe that secured the House Speakership for Kevin McCarthy. We are now learning the price McCarthy must pay for that support.

“Kevin got the gavel,” Gaetz tells The Lint Screen, “and now I’m going to pound him with it.”

Gaetz demanded McCarthy open impeachment investigations on President Joe Biden, even though the House Judiciary, Oversight, and Ways and Means committees have been trying to unearth dirt for nine months and have come up empty-handed.

“The fact that there is no legal proof of wronging doesn’t matter,” Gaetz claims. “His son Hunter had a cushy job and used drugs. Joe’s seed made him; if that’s not guilt by association, I don’t know what is.”

McCarthy announced yesterday he had opened the impeachment investigation as demanded.

“That’s just the ante,” Gaetz says, smiling. “McCarthy must now do my lawn work. The grass needs to be cut and edged weekly, and I have some shrubbery that needs serious attention. I also want Kevin to clean my gutters, flush the septic tank, and reseal the driveway.”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene arrives and joins the conversation.

“Kevin can’t do anything until he finishes my damn roof,” she declares. “He’s been working on it forever.”

Rep. Lauren Boebert walks down the hall and hisses at Greene. The two women arch their backs and circle each other. Tension fills the air until Rep. Andy Biggs runs down and breaks up the threat of a fight. He squirts both women with a water bottle, and they scurry away.

“Matt,” Biggs tells his comrade, “I know you think you own McCarthy, but he’s my pet. And you can’t have him until he changes my oil and spray washes the deck. That thing is filthy.”

Speaker McCarthy seems to be in high demand. 

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.