Suspected pedophile and human trafficker Florida Republican Rep. Matt Gaetz is part of the lunatic fringe that secured the House Speakership for Kevin McCarthy. We are now learning the price McCarthy must pay for that support.

“Kevin got the gavel,” Gaetz tells The Lint Screen, “and now I’m going to pound him with it.”

Gaetz demanded McCarthy open impeachment investigations on President Joe Biden, even though the House Judiciary, Oversight, and Ways and Means committees have been trying to unearth dirt for nine months and have come up empty-handed.

“The fact that there is no legal proof of wronging doesn’t matter,” Gaetz claims. “His son Hunter had a cushy job and used drugs. Joe’s seed made him; if that’s not guilt by association, I don’t know what is.”

McCarthy announced yesterday he had opened the impeachment investigation as demanded.

“That’s just the ante,” Gaetz says, smiling. “McCarthy must now do my lawn work. The grass needs to be cut and edged weekly, and I have some shrubbery that needs serious attention. I also want Kevin to clean my gutters, flush the septic tank, and reseal the driveway.”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene arrives and joins the conversation.

“Kevin can’t do anything until he finishes my damn roof,” she declares. “He’s been working on it forever.”

Rep. Lauren Boebert walks down the hall and hisses at Greene. The two women arch their backs and circle each other. Tension fills the air until Rep. Andy Biggs runs down and breaks up the threat of a fight. He squirts both women with a water bottle, and they scurry away.

“Matt,” Biggs tells his comrade, “I know you think you own McCarthy, but he’s my pet. And you can’t have him until he changes my oil and spray washes the deck. That thing is filthy.”

Speaker McCarthy seems to be in high demand. 

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

GOP Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville, who lives in Florida, is determined to make the U.S. Military bow to his wishes.

“Ain’t nothing or no one going to stop me,” Tuberville tells The Lint Screen. “I want a total surrender to my will, or I’ll continue to hold the American Military forces and their families, hostage. This good old boy ain’t playing around.”

For seven months, Tuberville is the lone senator holding up the promotions and nominations of all senior U.S. military officers because of the Defense Department policy of paying for female military personnel to travel across state lines, if necessary, to obtain legal abortions. Ironically, the Justice Department pays expenses for prisoners to travel across state lines to get abortions.

“We can’t have women making healthcare decisions,” Tuberville says. “It’s a man’s job to tell the little fillies what’s best for them. And I’m man enough to do it, by God.”

Since he started his temper tantrum, Tuberville has stymied 273 promotions of senior military personnel. The Marine Corps lacks a Senate-confirmed commandant for the first time in 100 years, and many other key positions are in flux. Pentagon officials believe Tuberville’s action undermines America’s military readiness and hurts military families.

“Cry me a river,” replies Tuberville. “Russia, China, and North Korea aren’t any big threat. Everyone loves America; maybe it’s high time our military stands down. Putin’s not such a bad guy. Vladimir’s a little misunderstood. I wish our military were as strong as his.”

Tuberville also believes white nationalists are the best resource for defending American soil.

“I don’t need anyone in fancy uniforms or tons of medals protecting me,” he says. “Just give me some good ol’ boys in pickups. We’ll keep America safe and sound from the folks that don’t look like us trying to ruin our great nation.”

Like many in the GOP, Tuberville is anti-military, government, the intelligence community, and law and order if it applies to them.

“People need to be more trusting,” the ex-Auburn football coach says. “We’re looking out for everyone’s best interest.” He winks, then walks away.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Pitiful Rudy Giuliani was once a hero, but now the pathetic schlub is known as a con man’s patsy.

On Wednesday, a federal judge ruled that Giuliani is liable for defaming Georgia election workers Ruby Freeman and her daughter, Wandrea’ ArShaye Moss, by accusing them of fraud during the Georgia vote counting at State Farm Arena in Atlanta.

“These women are being totally unreasonable,” Giuliani tells The Lint Screen. “All I did was accuse them of cheating President Donald Trump out of his re-election in 2020. I said they were engaged in diabolical election fraud. And I believe that. I just didn’t have any proof. Since when is proof required in a court of law? I had a really good gut feeling about them being crooked.”

As a result of Giuliani’s wild, unfounded claims, Freeman and her daughter were harassed and received numerous death threats.

“It seems to me these ladies are crybabies,” Giuliani says. “Bellyaching about death threats is not a big deal. I mean, they’re still living, aren’t they? Why should I have to pay damages for ruining their lives? Where’s the justice in that? I’m famous and connected. They’re not. Get over it.”

Giuliani is in a world of trouble because of his association with Trump. Rudy G. faces numerous federal and state charges, and Trump has refused to offer legal financial assistance to represent the sleazy, sweaty weasel.

“I think President Trump will come through for me,” Giuliani says. “He is an honorable, trustworthy man known for his loyalty to friends. I have no doubt Donald will take care of me against all these outrageous cases against me. Did you know they used to call me America’s Mayor? I’m a big shot. There’s no way I’ll have to pay a price to society. I know it!”

Giuliani takes out a monogrammed handkerchief and mops his brow. He wrings it out as a puddle forms on the floor.

“Let me know when Trump calls,” he tells his assistant. “I know he’ll save my bacon.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Florida dictator and presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis (pronounced “DeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeSantis“) has been a major disappointment on the campaign trail.

“Ron’s had a few hiccups,” says his campaign manager, Eddie “The Worm” Snoggims. “Many people have noticed that he sometimes can appear a little robotic and awkward around people. We have addressed that issue.”

Snoggims explains that his campaign team has upgraded the Ron DeSantis 2024 model with the latest technology manufactured by Nvidia, the world’s leading maker of chips tailored for artificial intelligence.

“We asked Nvidia to develop a chip that would improve Ron’s empathy and compassion so he could interact better with the public,” Snoggims said. “We challenged them to make it look like Ron cares about people. And the Nvidia tech nerds delivered the goods. Ron should be able to act engaged and interested in human beings.”

DeSantis has exhibited problems with his campaigning interactions, as evidenced by this recent exchange in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

“Hello, Governor, DeSantis,” a voter said.

“Salutations,” the candidate replied, looking away from the voter.

“My name is Roger Clayton.” The man reaches his arm out to shake hands.

“Roger Clayton,” DeSantis said, brushing the man’s arm away and looking at the ground.

“I like what you’ve been saying about being anti-woke.”

“Roger Clayton.”

“Do you have any other positions?”

“Roger Clayton.”

“Do you think you can beat Trump?”

“Roger Clayton,” DeSantis says as he raises his head, and it begins spinning around its shoulders as handlers quickly load him onto a hand truck cart and into a panel truck for repairs.

Snoggims smiles. “We think this software upgrade will make Ron very likable and electable,” he says. “We are expecting great things. We’re confident our candidate will soon appear to be almost human-like. And remember, Ron DeSantis still fully supports Donald Trump, no matter what. That is an unbeatable combination!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Clarence Thomas grew up poor in Savannah, Georgia. He vowed, “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again,” and hit the jackpot when he passed Senate approval to become an Associate Justice after only one-year judiciary experience. It’s been prime rib, lobster tails, and Chateau Latour Premier Grand Cru ever since.

“I had no idea all the perks Supreme Court Justices get,” Thomas told The Lint Screen. “You got these corporate fat cats who have cases coming up on the docket, and they really want you to like them. So they’ll give you all sorts of stuff––luxury vacations, a home for your mom, college tuition for nephews, flights on private jets, and sweet ‘loans’ under the table that you may or may not have to pay back.”

Thomas gives an awkward wink and chuckles. “Yeah, right,” he says. “We always pay our debts.”

The Supreme’s latest scandal was in a New York Times report detailing Thomas’s purchase of a $267,230 luxurious 40-foot-long motor coach in 1999 thanks to a “loan” made by his wealthy friend Anthony Welters.

“Tony’s stinking rich,” Thomas said. “I figured why get involved with bankers. They’d charge lots of interest and make me sign reams of legal documents. Who needs that when a pal is willing to help? Tony forked over the dough, tossed me the keys to the RV, and said, ‘Enjoy!’ You’re king of the road, Clarence.”

Since receiving “the loan,” which had no paperwork and was never reported in Thomas’s official financial disclosures, he has cruised America shaking down rich people who may need his help from the bench.

“It’s amazing what billionaires will do for you,” Thomas said. “You get expensive gifts, private jet flights, houses, vacations––you name it, some fat cat is more than happy to do it for a Supreme Court Justice who can see their side of a legal argument. I mean, who needs silly stuff like environmental regulations or workers’ rights? We’ve got to let businesses run so they can make money and shovel it my way.”

Thomas is joined by Ginni, his political activist wife, who was involved in trying to overthrow a free and fair election.

“Don’t take all the credit, Clarence,” she says. “What about all the money I shake down from our rich pals?”

“I’ll never forget you, sugar,” Thomas says, kissing her cheek. “You are daddy’s first-class earner.”

“Damn straight I am,” she says.

“And Americans don’t have to be concerned about our ethics,” Thomas says. “We’ve got lots of ethics!” The crooked couple laugh, hold hands and drive off in their luxurious RV.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Poor Donald J. Trump. The man never got a break. At least that’s what he tells The Lint Screen.

“I was born into poverty,” he recalls. “Living on the mean streets of Hell’s Kitchen. I had nothing. I ate rats. Such awful meat– rat meat. Stringy. But I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and became the most successful real estate developer in history. The ‘TRUMP’ name was gold. Pure gold. I made billions, and they gave me The Apprentice, and it was the biggest show in history. Then America elected me President, and I was the greatest president ever. Everyone says so. But the evil Biden crime family came after me. They’re bad people, Joe and Hunter. Very not nice.”

Trump pauses, sips Diet Coke, and continues.

“Joe Biden stole my election in 2020,” claims the disgraced twice-impeached, thrice-indicted ex-President. “And now Biden has his Justice Department pit bulls chasing me with their neverending witch hunts.“

The beleaguered GOP leading candidate says he now needs help from patriots who believe in justice.

“Americans need to show their red, white, and blue patriotism by forking over some serious green,” the con man begins. “I’ve hired the best legal minds in history to represent me in these witch hunts. I have Matlock, Perry Mason, Lionel Hutz, Jack McCoy, Saul Goodman, Vincent Gambini, Jackie Chiles, and Atticus Finch pleading my cases, proving my innocence. It’s an All-Star Defense Team. But these great legal minds don’t come cheap. They demand the big bucks. I need money––serious money to keep my legal team fed and dressed in briefs.”

The embittered victim has an assistant crush his Diet Coke can as evidence of his rage.

“It’s time for all patriots to act,” Trump pleas. “If we let Jack Smith and his crooked thugs take my legs out in the presidential race, America will become a hellhole. Only I can save the country and make it great again. White again. Give me your 401-Ks, savings accounts, and mortgages. Break your kids’ piggy banks, and sell your blood and organs. Do whatever it takes to get money because I need many more patriots than those who showed their support on January 6. Because this time, it’s for real, and it’s what God wants. He told me. We’re very close, me and the Big G. Nice guy, God. Very nice.”

Trump rubs his hands together greedily.

“That should do the trick,” he says, smiling.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.