Pitiful Rudy Giuliani was once a hero, but now the pathetic schlub is known as a con man’s patsy.

On Wednesday, a federal judge ruled that Giuliani is liable for defaming Georgia election workers Ruby Freeman and her daughter, Wandrea’ ArShaye Moss, by accusing them of fraud during the Georgia vote counting at State Farm Arena in Atlanta.

“These women are being totally unreasonable,” Giuliani tells The Lint Screen. “All I did was accuse them of cheating President Donald Trump out of his re-election in 2020. I said they were engaged in diabolical election fraud. And I believe that. I just didn’t have any proof. Since when is proof required in a court of law? I had a really good gut feeling about them being crooked.”

As a result of Giuliani’s wild, unfounded claims, Freeman and her daughter were harassed and received numerous death threats.

“It seems to me these ladies are crybabies,” Giuliani says. “Bellyaching about death threats is not a big deal. I mean, they’re still living, aren’t they? Why should I have to pay damages for ruining their lives? Where’s the justice in that? I’m famous and connected. They’re not. Get over it.”

Giuliani is in a world of trouble because of his association with Trump. Rudy G. faces numerous federal and state charges, and Trump has refused to offer legal financial assistance to represent the sleazy, sweaty weasel.

“I think President Trump will come through for me,” Giuliani says. “He is an honorable, trustworthy man known for his loyalty to friends. I have no doubt Donald will take care of me against all these outrageous cases against me. Did you know they used to call me America’s Mayor? I’m a big shot. There’s no way I’ll have to pay a price to society. I know it!”

Giuliani takes out a monogrammed handkerchief and mops his brow. He wrings it out as a puddle forms on the floor.

“Let me know when Trump calls,” he tells his assistant. “I know he’ll save my bacon.”

—————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Florida dictator and presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis (pronounced “DeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeSantis“) has been a major disappointment on the campaign trail.

“Ron’s had a few hiccups,” says his campaign manager, Eddie “The Worm” Snoggims. “Many people have noticed that he sometimes can appear a little robotic and awkward around people. We have addressed that issue.”

Snoggims explains that his campaign team has upgraded the Ron DeSantis 2024 model with the latest technology manufactured by Nvidia, the world’s leading maker of chips tailored for artificial intelligence.

“We asked Nvidia to develop a chip that would improve Ron’s empathy and compassion so he could interact better with the public,” Snoggims said. “We challenged them to make it look like Ron cares about people. And the Nvidia tech nerds delivered the goods. Ron should be able to act engaged and interested in human beings.”

DeSantis has exhibited problems with his campaigning interactions, as evidenced by this recent exchange in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

“Hello, Governor, DeSantis,” a voter said.

“Salutations,” the candidate replied, looking away from the voter.

“My name is Roger Clayton.” The man reaches his arm out to shake hands.

“Roger Clayton,” DeSantis said, brushing the man’s arm away and looking at the ground.

“I like what you’ve been saying about being anti-woke.”

“Roger Clayton.”

“Do you have any other positions?”

“Roger Clayton.”

“Do you think you can beat Trump?”

“Roger Clayton,” DeSantis says as he raises his head, and it begins spinning around its shoulders as handlers quickly load him onto a hand truck cart and into a panel truck for repairs.

Snoggims smiles. “We think this software upgrade will make Ron very likable and electable,” he says. “We are expecting great things. We’re confident our candidate will soon appear to be almost human-like. And remember, Ron DeSantis still fully supports Donald Trump, no matter what. That is an unbeatable combination!”

—————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Clarence Thomas grew up poor in Savannah, Georgia. He vowed, “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again,” and hit the jackpot when he passed Senate approval to become an Associate Justice after only one-year judiciary experience. It’s been prime rib, lobster tails, and Chateau Latour Premier Grand Cru ever since.

“I had no idea all the perks Supreme Court Justices get,” Thomas told The Lint Screen. “You got these corporate fat cats who have cases coming up on the docket, and they really want you to like them. So they’ll give you all sorts of stuff––luxury vacations, a home for your mom, college tuition for nephews, flights on private jets, and sweet ‘loans’ under the table that you may or may not have to pay back.”

Thomas gives an awkward wink and chuckles. “Yeah, right,” he says. “We always pay our debts.”

The Supreme’s latest scandal was in a New York Times report detailing Thomas’s purchase of a $267,230 luxurious 40-foot-long motor coach in 1999 thanks to a “loan” made by his wealthy friend Anthony Welters.

“Tony’s stinking rich,” Thomas said. “I figured why get involved with bankers. They’d charge lots of interest and make me sign reams of legal documents. Who needs that when a pal is willing to help? Tony forked over the dough, tossed me the keys to the RV, and said, ‘Enjoy!’ You’re king of the road, Clarence.”

Since receiving “the loan,” which had no paperwork and was never reported in Thomas’s official financial disclosures, he has cruised America shaking down rich people who may need his help from the bench.

“It’s amazing what billionaires will do for you,” Thomas said. “You get expensive gifts, private jet flights, houses, vacations––you name it, some fat cat is more than happy to do it for a Supreme Court Justice who can see their side of a legal argument. I mean, who needs silly stuff like environmental regulations or workers’ rights? We’ve got to let businesses run so they can make money and shovel it my way.”

Thomas is joined by Ginni, his political activist wife, who was involved in trying to overthrow a free and fair election.

“Don’t take all the credit, Clarence,” she says. “What about all the money I shake down from our rich pals?”

“I’ll never forget you, sugar,” Thomas says, kissing her cheek. “You are daddy’s first-class earner.”

“Damn straight I am,” she says.

“And Americans don’t have to be concerned about our ethics,” Thomas says. “We’ve got lots of ethics!” The crooked couple laugh, hold hands and drive off in their luxurious RV.

—————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Poor Donald J. Trump. The man never got a break. At least that’s what he tells The Lint Screen.

“I was born into poverty,” he recalls. “Living on the mean streets of Hell’s Kitchen. I had nothing. I ate rats. Such awful meat– rat meat. Stringy. But I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and became the most successful real estate developer in history. The ‘TRUMP’ name was gold. Pure gold. I made billions, and they gave me The Apprentice, and it was the biggest show in history. Then America elected me President, and I was the greatest president ever. Everyone says so. But the evil Biden crime family came after me. They’re bad people, Joe and Hunter. Very not nice.”

Trump pauses, sips Diet Coke, and continues.

“Joe Biden stole my election in 2020,” claims the disgraced twice-impeached, thrice-indicted ex-President. “And now Biden has his Justice Department pit bulls chasing me with their neverending witch hunts.“

The beleaguered GOP leading candidate says he now needs help from patriots who believe in justice.

“Americans need to show their red, white, and blue patriotism by forking over some serious green,” the con man begins. “I’ve hired the best legal minds in history to represent me in these witch hunts. I have Matlock, Perry Mason, Lionel Hutz, Jack McCoy, Saul Goodman, Vincent Gambini, Jackie Chiles, and Atticus Finch pleading my cases, proving my innocence. It’s an All-Star Defense Team. But these great legal minds don’t come cheap. They demand the big bucks. I need money––serious money to keep my legal team fed and dressed in briefs.”

The embittered victim has an assistant crush his Diet Coke can as evidence of his rage.

“It’s time for all patriots to act,” Trump pleas. “If we let Jack Smith and his crooked thugs take my legs out in the presidential race, America will become a hellhole. Only I can save the country and make it great again. White again. Give me your 401-Ks, savings accounts, and mortgages. Break your kids’ piggy banks, and sell your blood and organs. Do whatever it takes to get money because I need many more patriots than those who showed their support on January 6. Because this time, it’s for real, and it’s what God wants. He told me. We’re very close, me and the Big G. Nice guy, God. Very nice.”

Trump rubs his hands together greedily.

“That should do the trick,” he says, smiling.

—————————————————————————-

Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Looney Lady Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene made a blistering speech at the Turning Point Action Conference recently. She attacked President Joe Biden for “helping people” and “depriving them of the opportunity to pull themselves up by the bootstraps. It’s disgraceful.”

Greene, who is rarely tethered to reality, compared Biden to FDR and LBJ.

“If you look at history,” MTG tells The Lint Screen, “FDR and LBJ are two of the worst presidents ever. Frankie Roosevelt and Linton Johnson were socialists like Joe Biden. These bleeding hearts wanted to help widows and orphans, old folks, unions, the unemployed, poor people, and minorities being discriminated against––all this woke crap. Why? Because they do not believe in the grit and guts of citizens to weather storms and pull themselves up by the bootstraps. Helping others in need has never been the American Way.”

Greene thinks Biden is “very dangerous” because he wants to invest in social programs, infrastructure, and the environment.

“We don’t need to rebuild America,” Greene crows. “Biden must think American workmanship is lousy if he wants to replace or repair bridges that are only a hundred or two hundred years old. Doesn’t he know American-made products are eternal?”

The blond nutcase also thinks Medicare and Medicaid are “cushy entitlement programs” that make Americans soft.

“If grandpa needs a hip replacement, he can do it himself,” Greene says. “He doesn’t need a government wet nurse. Find a YouTube video on hip replacements, and sharpen the steak knives, Gramps! The GOP believes in American ingenuity and gumption––not coddling.”

MTG suggests Americans get smart about life.

“Consult your legal team and tax advisors,” she says. “You don’t need Bidenomics or Obamacare handouts. You just need a good grift and an offshore account.”

---

Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.