Poor Donald J. Trump. The man never got a break. At least that’s what he tells The Lint Screen.

“I was born into poverty,” he recalls. “Living on the mean streets of Hell’s Kitchen. I had nothing. I ate rats. Such awful meat– rat meat. Stringy. But I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and became the most successful real estate developer in history. The ‘TRUMP’ name was gold. Pure gold. I made billions, and they gave me The Apprentice, and it was the biggest show in history. Then America elected me President, and I was the greatest president ever. Everyone says so. But the evil Biden crime family came after me. They’re bad people, Joe and Hunter. Very not nice.”

Trump pauses, sips Diet Coke, and continues.

“Joe Biden stole my election in 2020,” claims the disgraced twice-impeached, thrice-indicted ex-President. “And now Biden has his Justice Department pit bulls chasing me with their neverending witch hunts.“

The beleaguered GOP leading candidate says he now needs help from patriots who believe in justice.

“Americans need to show their red, white, and blue patriotism by forking over some serious green,” the con man begins. “I’ve hired the best legal minds in history to represent me in these witch hunts. I have Matlock, Perry Mason, Lionel Hutz, Jack McCoy, Saul Goodman, Vincent Gambini, Jackie Chiles, and Atticus Finch pleading my cases, proving my innocence. It’s an All-Star Defense Team. But these great legal minds don’t come cheap. They demand the big bucks. I need money––serious money to keep my legal team fed and dressed in briefs.”

The embittered victim has an assistant crush his Diet Coke can as evidence of his rage.

“It’s time for all patriots to act,” Trump pleas. “If we let Jack Smith and his crooked thugs take my legs out in the presidential race, America will become a hellhole. Only I can save the country and make it great again. White again. Give me your 401-Ks, savings accounts, and mortgages. Break your kids’ piggy banks, and sell your blood and organs. Do whatever it takes to get money because I need many more patriots than those who showed their support on January 6. Because this time, it’s for real, and it’s what God wants. He told me. We’re very close, me and the Big G. Nice guy, God. Very nice.”

Trump rubs his hands together greedily.

“That should do the trick,” he says, smiling.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.