New York Republican Representative George Santos may have finally gone too far, even for the GOP.

Santos became a controversial figure when reporters discovered his background was a total fabrication, including graduating from Baruch College, working for Goldman Sachs, and curing cancer.

“These are small embellishments,” Santos tells The Lint Screen. “Who doesn’t put some shine on their apple?”

He also managed to lend his campaign $700,000 while only making $55,000 annually.

“I’m good with money,” he claims. “What can I say?”

But recently, boxes of 19 severed heads were found in Santos’ Congressional office.

“I like decapitating people,” the pudgy wannabe lawmaker says. “Where’s the crime in that? My hobby engages others. Big deal.”

The creepy crook has also been caught stealing the identities of credit card donors and buying things for himself.

“I told you, I’m good with a buck,” is his defense. “I don’t think my supporters mind supporting me a little extra.”

There are also scads of other illegal and unethical charges against Santos, but it seems the severed heads have drawn the ire of other New York GOP Representatives.

“I think George’s serial killing may be a step too far,” says Rep. Marc Molinaro. “There’s no issue with getting bribes of gold bars, stacks of cash, and having billionaires footing the bill for luxury travel and vacations to influence your court decisions. That’s acceptable lobbying. But come on, we’ve got to draw the line somewhere.”

“I plan to fight this,” proclaims Santos. “Even if it takes my machete.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Teen grappler Matt Gaetz managed to give House Speaker Kevin McCarthy das boot out of the ring, and now there’s a rumble underway for the gavel to lead the loonies in the GOP.

Two MAGA heavyweights, Rep. (LA) Steve “The Slammer” Scalise and Rep. (OH) Jim “The Jock-Sniffer” Jordan, have announced they will square off in a “cage match to the death or until one of us gets an ouchie” for the House Speakership.

It’s being billed as The Battle for The Gavel. The fight will be held in the U.S. House of Representatives on Wednesday, November 11th, officiated by the QAnon Shaman, who presided over the House on January 6, 2021, during the failed coup attempt of the disgraced twice-impeached, convicted fraud ex-President Donald J. Trump.

“This thing’s gonna be huge,” said a jacketless Jim Jordan. “I used to be an Ohio State wrestling coach, so I know how to snap towels and smack the asses of hot young guys. I’m going to clean Scalise’s clock.” He pauses, looking concerned. “I did say ‘clock,’ right?”

Scalise thinks Jordan is dead wrong.

“Jim talks a tough game,” the ragin’ cajan tells The Lint Screen, “but I’m gonna open a can of whoop ass on that boy. I’ll mop the floor with him and throw him out with the dirty water. That gavel is as good as mine.”

“Steve is nuts,” retorts Jordan. “I’m impeaching Biden on bupkis. I am Trump’s boy. No one kisses his fat ass harder. Hell, he even gave me a medal for keeping his bottom spotless. The gavel will be in my fist after this fight, and I’ll use it to pound Scalise into the ground.”

“We’ll see about that, jock-sniffer,” Scalise says, taking a wad of tobacky and plugging it into his gob. “That boy don’t know what he’s in for. I’m Trump’s bitch ’til the end.”

Matt Gaetz smiles, looking on at the combatants.

“I don’t care who the House Speaker is,” the Florida perv says. “I own them, and I’ll burn down the House if I don’t get my way. I got elected to prove the government doesn’t work.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced twice-impeached, convicted rapist, four times indicted ex-President and would-be coup leader Donald J. Trump has been found liable for fraud by a New York judge who said he overstated his wealth by as much as $2.2 billion in one year. His business, like his university and charity fund, are proven frauds.

“This guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Trump tells The Lint Screen as we try to ignore the pompous ass. “He calls me a fraud––well, I call him a fraud. He obviously never watched TV.”

Trump says avid TV watchers know he is “the most honest, straight shooter there is” and that she should always be trusted completely.

“Anyone who watched my hit TV series The Apprentice, which was viewed by over 10 billion people weekly, knows that I am the most brilliant businessman ever,” Trump boasts. “If everyone knows I’m a genius, why would I need to lie? I’m the richest man in the world. Case closed. Trump is innocent! Another witch hunt exposed and killed.”

The lumbering oaf is just getting started.

“All the historians have been saying for years I was the greatest American President in history,” he smiles. “That’s a fact. Look it up. Everyone says so. I presidented better than anyone has ever seen before. People never saw that kind of tremendous presidenting. Then doddering Joe Biden stole the election from me because he was jealous, which is a damn shame because he is ruining our country.”

Trump’s orange face gets beet red.

“I beat Biden by over six trillion votes, fair and square. And true American patriots got so angry they revolted and stormed the Capitol. I love those people. My people. When I get back in the Oval Office, I’ll give them all Medals of Freedom and then get my revenge on those crooks who cheated me.”

Trump has already said when elected, he will ignore The Constitution, limit free speech if it does not support him completely, and get retribution from his enemies. He may even execute Gen. Mark Milley.

“We can’t allow a silly thing like democracy to ruin Trump’s second term,” the orange menace bellows. “Anyone who disobeys me will be executed. It’s the only fair thing to do. I am not a fraud. I am the real deal. Remember that, Judge!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Just when you thought the Republican Party couldn’t get more unhinged, the GOP Freedom Caucus is prepared to shut down the government if its demands are not fulfilled.

“We ain’t playin’ around here,” Texas Rep. Chip Roy shouted outside The Lint Screen Washington offices. “If the nation doesn’t surrender to our ultimatums, we’ll shut the mother down!”

The Freedom Caucus comprises the lunatic fringe of MAGA nation (AKA Fascists), and their demands are extreme.

“All charges against President Donald J. Trump must be immediately dropped,” barked a sweaty Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan. “He is our glorious leader sent here by Christ Himself to save the world. We also demand Joe and Hunter Biden be imprisoned for life, hung from chains in a dark dungeon filled with rats and snakes. We also want to cut all taxes and eliminate the CIA, FBI, and Justice Department. We also want twelve cases of Marshmallow Peeps, the yellow ones. Not the damn pink one––they’re too woke. Yellow, goddammit! These are a few simple requests, and we’d better get them, or there will be hell to pay.”

Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene wants to eliminate the military in its current state.

“The U.S. military is weak,” she says. “I want all branches to be trained by the Russian military because they are strong.”

Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz wants to help America’s youth.

“I’ll spearhead an anti-grooming group,” he says. “I will personally be recruiting attractive female high schoolers. They are most often the targets of Democratic groomers. I’ll spend the time in hotel rooms and spas consulting with these girls closely, giving them individual attention and butterfly kisses on their necks. They can give me scented oil massages. I’ll provide neck massages to show my appreciation for their hotness. This is a cause that’s close to my heart.”

Chip Roy steps forward. “Listen, we ain’t backing down from Kevin McCarthy and the RINOs. We’ll be like newborn babies with diapers fully loaded, wailing all night because we want our ba-bas, and we want them now!”

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert joins wearing a bikini bottom and halter top, smoking a vape. She smiles. “Don’t mess with us, America,” she says. “We’re the party of family values.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Suspected pedophile and human trafficker Florida Republican Rep. Matt Gaetz is part of the lunatic fringe that secured the House Speakership for Kevin McCarthy. We are now learning the price McCarthy must pay for that support.

“Kevin got the gavel,” Gaetz tells The Lint Screen, “and now I’m going to pound him with it.”

Gaetz demanded McCarthy open impeachment investigations on President Joe Biden, even though the House Judiciary, Oversight, and Ways and Means committees have been trying to unearth dirt for nine months and have come up empty-handed.

“The fact that there is no legal proof of wronging doesn’t matter,” Gaetz claims. “His son Hunter had a cushy job and used drugs. Joe’s seed made him; if that’s not guilt by association, I don’t know what is.”

McCarthy announced yesterday he had opened the impeachment investigation as demanded.

“That’s just the ante,” Gaetz says, smiling. “McCarthy must now do my lawn work. The grass needs to be cut and edged weekly, and I have some shrubbery that needs serious attention. I also want Kevin to clean my gutters, flush the septic tank, and reseal the driveway.”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene arrives and joins the conversation.

“Kevin can’t do anything until he finishes my damn roof,” she declares. “He’s been working on it forever.”

Rep. Lauren Boebert walks down the hall and hisses at Greene. The two women arch their backs and circle each other. Tension fills the air until Rep. Andy Biggs runs down and breaks up the threat of a fight. He squirts both women with a water bottle, and they scurry away.

“Matt,” Biggs tells his comrade, “I know you think you own McCarthy, but he’s my pet. And you can’t have him until he changes my oil and spray washes the deck. That thing is filthy.”

Speaker McCarthy seems to be in high demand. 

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

GOP Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville, who lives in Florida, is determined to make the U.S. Military bow to his wishes.

“Ain’t nothing or no one going to stop me,” Tuberville tells The Lint Screen. “I want a total surrender to my will, or I’ll continue to hold the American Military forces and their families, hostage. This good old boy ain’t playing around.”

For seven months, Tuberville is the lone senator holding up the promotions and nominations of all senior U.S. military officers because of the Defense Department policy of paying for female military personnel to travel across state lines, if necessary, to obtain legal abortions. Ironically, the Justice Department pays expenses for prisoners to travel across state lines to get abortions.

“We can’t have women making healthcare decisions,” Tuberville says. “It’s a man’s job to tell the little fillies what’s best for them. And I’m man enough to do it, by God.”

Since he started his temper tantrum, Tuberville has stymied 273 promotions of senior military personnel. The Marine Corps lacks a Senate-confirmed commandant for the first time in 100 years, and many other key positions are in flux. Pentagon officials believe Tuberville’s action undermines America’s military readiness and hurts military families.

“Cry me a river,” replies Tuberville. “Russia, China, and North Korea aren’t any big threat. Everyone loves America; maybe it’s high time our military stands down. Putin’s not such a bad guy. Vladimir’s a little misunderstood. I wish our military were as strong as his.”

Tuberville also believes white nationalists are the best resource for defending American soil.

“I don’t need anyone in fancy uniforms or tons of medals protecting me,” he says. “Just give me some good ol’ boys in pickups. We’ll keep America safe and sound from the folks that don’t look like us trying to ruin our great nation.”

Like many in the GOP, Tuberville is anti-military, government, the intelligence community, and law and order if it applies to them.

“People need to be more trusting,” the ex-Auburn football coach says. “We’re looking out for everyone’s best interest.” He winks, then walks away.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.