Walking, talking turd Rep. Jim Jordan wants to become the GOP Speaker of The House, and he’ll do anything to get the job.

Jordan’s term began in 2006, and he has never successfully had a piece of legislation pass the House. But he thinks that makes him well-qualified to lead the group of 435 lawmakers.

“I am Donald J. Trump’s main man,” Jordan tells The Lint Screen. “I kissed his ass so hard he gave me a medal. And I will do whatever he commands.”

Jordan is suspected to be a key figure in the January 6, 2021, attempted coup against a free and fair election. And now he wants those “patriots” to rally to his cause.

“I need MAGA nation to show its support of one of Trump’s most loyal puppets,” Jordan says. “They can help me help him. And if they somehow land in jail, they can count on a recording contract with me reading the Pledge of Allegiance to Trump. We’ll show Taylor Swift how to sell records!”

The Ohio shirt-sleeved suck-up believes he is “a lock” for the job of House Speaker.

“Anyone who crosses me crosses the big guy,” Jordan claims. “And they will have to suffer the consequences. Don’t go thinking your precious democracy is going to save you. That is toast. We call the shots, you do or die.”

Jordan smiles. “Want me to roll up my sleeves for a picture?” he asks. “I can look real tough.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.