Sen. Tommy Tuberville is sick and tired of being blamed for stonewalling hundreds of military promotions that hurt our nation’s defense readiness.

“Everyone needs to take a deep breath and relax,” the ex-Auburn football coach tells The Lint Screen. “It’s not like there is any turmoil brewing in the world right this minute. The U.S. Military is in fine shape as it is. And there’s no danger on the horizon, near as I can tell.”

Tuberville has successfully blocked all senior military promotions since February because he does not support the Pentagon’s policy of paying for travel when a service member has to go out of state to get an abortion or other reproductive care. 

“Seems to me there’s an easy solution here,” Coach T. says. “Get the little ladies out of their military uniforms, into their dresses, pumps, and aprons, and back into the kitchen where they belong. I’m no chauvinist, but that is the easiest way forward here. Men never need an abortion,” he chuckles. “But they surely love a good pot roast dinner with little yeast rolls. I know I do, especially when those tasty rolls are slathered with warm butter!” Tuberville rubs his belly and grins.

The Alabama Senator who lives in Florida believes the world is a peaceful place.

“People seem to be getting along much better everywhere,” Tuberville claims. “It’s not like we’ve got some pressing need to make our military as strong as possible. I’m not holding up anything other than some generals’ egos. I suggest everybody take a chill pill. The world is at peace. Let’s enjoy the calm.”

Tuberville smiles. “Tell you what,” he says. “I got me a mighty powerful hankerin’ for some pot roast!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and hit the road for a good time.