The gossip rags are abuzz with the blockbuster news that ex-first daughter Ivanka Trump has dumped her disgraced twice-impeached ex-president daddy like last Sunday’s garbage.
“I’ve had it with him,” Ivanka tells The Lint Screen. “That orange-faced clown lost to Joe Biden and then was so inept he couldn’t even lead a successful coup to stay in power. He’s a big, fat loser! A two-bit grifter con man. And a lousy kisser.”
The vivacious blonde was very close to her father.
“We had a pretty special thing for a long time,” she confesses. “Daddy always complimented me–– even back when I was in diapers. He’d say, ‘No one fills a Pampers like you, babe.’ Then, he’d pat my butt, wink, and laugh. As I grew up, he showered me with jewels, designer shoes, the latest fashions–- whatever I wanted. And of course, he gave me a great job in the family business. I mean, if he had those dolts Don Jr. and Eric on the payroll, he’d better hire me! We all had lots of perks, tax dodges, money under the table. My father was always my sugar daddy.”
The proud perv ex-prez liked to keep his little girl close to him.
“Daddy took me to first little princess dance,” she says, “and every school social function, including my prom. We went on a lot of romantic dates. Most people thought it was odd– a father being so close with his daughter– but Daddy said he loved spending time with younger women. He was hanging out with that Epstein guy a lot.”
Ivanka said her decision to break relations with her father was not difficult.
“Donald Trump’s not president anymore, so what the hell can he do for me?” she says, shaking her head. “Daddy’s the boss king of Mar-a-Lago––big f-in deal! What’s that going to get me? A slice of ‘beautiful chocolate cake?’” She laughs and tosses back her blonde mane. “And Daddy’s so damn cheap, he wouldn’t even comp the cake. He might give me a five or ten percent discount.”
The ambitious daughter says she has big plans for her post-White House career.
“I’m going to be re-entering New York high society,” she announces. “I know so many New York socialites who have missed me. They will welcome me back with open arms and lots of air kisses. I’ll be the belle of Manhattan before you know it. New York City loves all things Trump, especially when they look fantastic like me.”
Ivanka has no remorse about leaving her father behind.
“He still has that witch Melania,” she says. “She’s on his payroll, but I’m going to cash in on my incredible popularity and celebrity. Absolutely everyone loves Ivanka. I’m a bigger brand than Donald Trump ever was!”
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