Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts is outraged. The Senate Judiciary Committee wants more formal ethical standards at the high court.

“How dare they?” Roberts said. “Senators have their jobs for six years, Supreme Court Justices are here for life––we can do whatever we damn well please. The laws of mere mortals do not apply!”

Many Senators believe Justice Clarence Thomas and Justice Neil Gorsuch have made severe ethical breaches. Thomas and his nutty MAGA wife Ginni enjoyed lavish vacations worth millions of dollars compliments of Texas billionaire and mega-conservative donor Harlan Crow.

“Mr. Crow is friends with Justice Thomas and his wife,” Roberts explains. “He picked up a couple of checks. Big deal. The fact that Justice Thomas didn’t report it is simply a memory hiccup. In the legal trade, we call that ‘an oopsie moment.’“

Thomas also failed to disclose Crow bought his childhood home and properties around it.

“Mr. Crow allowed Justice Thomas’s mother to live in the house free,” Roberts explains. “That’s a simple act of kindness. It’s what good Christians do. And the fact that Justice Clarence Thomas did not recuse himself from a case Mr. Crow had before the court is a mere coincidence. Another oopsie moment.“

Justice Neil Gorsuch had a cabin in Colorado he’d been trying to sell for two years––then quickly sold it after becoming a Supreme Court Justice. The buyer was Brian Duffy, the chief executive of the prominent law firm Greenberg Traurig. Guess what? Since the purchase, Duffy’s legal firm has had at least 22 cases before the court.

“People complain Justice Gorsuch did not recuse himself from any of the Greenburg Traurig cases,” Roberts says with a dismissive wave. “I don’t see the connection. Money changed hands, but that isn’t likely to change the law in favor of those who profited by it.”

The Chief Justice smirks.

“And if the Senators don’t like it,” he says, “they can sue us. We’ll see where that gets you.” He chortles.

Charles Koch arrives with a wheelbarrow of cash, and Roberts begins stuffing bills under his robe.

“You can’t buy this court,” Roberts says with a wink. “Nope!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.