Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas told The Lint Screen he must control over half the population of the United States.

“I’m not a sexist,” Thomas says, “but you just can’t trust women. Look at history. Who caused Adam to get kicked out of the Garden of Eden? Eve. I close my case. The evidence couldn’t be clearer––women need a man to tell them what to do.“

That is the reasoning he and other conservative hit job judges on the Supreme Court recently struck down Roe v Wade as the law of the land.

“If a woman is carrying a man’s seed, I believe she must deliver,” Thomas proclaims. “It doesn’t matter what she thinks about it. Her body is not hers once she possesses a man’s property. It doesn’t matter if the man was a close relative or a stranger who let his animal instincts get the better of him––she’s got an obligation to deliver his child. Incest and rape are flimsy excuses for abortion. God wants every life to be born.”

Thomas believes women were put on earth for a purpose.

“God made a woman out of one of Adam’s ribs,” he says. “Naturally, she is his property. As such, women have duties to perform, and birthing babies is one of them, along with vacuuming the floors, doing laundry, making meals, darning socks, and mixing a good gin martini for her man when he comes home from work. I think society went to pot after women started learning to read and attending school. It took away from their sacred domestic duties and put fanciful notions in their pretty heads.”

Thomas said the Court’s abortion decision is just the start.

“We’re going to look at all the problems of society,” he promises. “The gays, the media, free speech that we don’t agree with, organized labor, anything that goes against corporate interests, not having religion in every aspect of American life, restricting voting rights “for the wrong kinds of people,” and much more.

Thomas rubs his hands together and giggles gleefully.

“Supreme Court Justices have appointments for life,” he says. “And we plan to give every American better lives by dictating what freedoms they’re allowed to have.“

Thanks, Clarence, you’re a mensch.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.