Sunny Florida’s dark despot, Gov. Ron DeSantis, is traveling America, making his case for being our next president. He claims his biggest asset is hating.

“If someone’s different from me,” DeSantis tells The Lint Screen, “I’ll hate them with the fiery passion of 1,000 hellfires. I’ll take away their rights and freedoms, ban their books, harass them mercilessly, and do everything short of imprisoning them––because that’s my idea of democracy. Once elected, I will build camps and house different people to achieve conformity and order. Outsiders better beware.”

Desantis has exceptions.

“I like women,” he says. “I like when they do what I tell them. They don’t know what’s best, so men like me must control decision-making about their bodies. The poor little lassies can’t choose for themselves unless that choice is to follow three steps behind and obey my directives.”

He especially hates the LGBTQ+ community, transgender people, cross-dressers, minorities, “woke corporations,” and those who practice non-Christian religions.

“Getting on Team Ronnie D. is easy,” he says, smiling. “Be a guy, white, and Christian, and agree with everything I say. Do that and we’ll get along just fine.”

DeSantis is getting crushed in election polling by the twice-impeached, indicted, and disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump, yet, the Florida man rarely says a cross word about him.

“I know how to win,” DeSantis crows. “The other guy does not win all that often. He was a great leader, and Biden cheated him out of his second term. But I am a great winner and a bigger prick than him because I’ll hate those not like us more than he will. I want to unite Americans in my hatred.”

El Grande Prick-o gets nervous and sweats realizing he may have said something critical of Trump.

“If the other guy does become the GOP candidate,” he stammers, “I have enough courage and backbone to say I’d back him 110%!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Oh, that, Donald! You never know what he’ll do next.

After the recent release of an audio tape with the twice-impeached disgraced ex-President, as he showed top secret Iran invasion war plans to visitors, Trump vehemently denies it.

“There were no secret plans,” the con man says. “I was showing plans for–– I don’t know–– maybe a building, a golf course, or something else. Something that’s definitely not top secret. It was a joke. Everyone knows what a crazy sense of humor I have. They say I was the funniest president ever. I had much better material than Kennedy, Abe Lincoln, or Ben Franklin.”

An aide whispers that Franklin was never president, and Trump gets visibly upset.

“You’re wrong. His picture’s on American money,” he says, crossing his arms, scowling. “Don’t ever correct me,” he admonishes his aide, who has dropped to the floor and assumed a prostration position before him. “Make one more mistake, and you’re fired.”

“Yes, Mr. President,” she says. “I shall obey.”

“You’d better,” he says. “Now, get up, and bring me a Diet Coke.” The aide hurries out of the room.

Trump smiles. “Let’s get serious,” he says. “Why would anyone believe me? I’m a known prankster. A regular Allen Funt. It’s too bad there was no video because you would have seen I was kidding around. There were no secret documents. If anyone knows how to keep a secret, it’s me.”

Trump sorts through piles of papers on his desk.

“Hey, you want to see the location of some secret missile sites?” he asks. “I’ve also got a list of double agents working for the CIA. How about some nudie pics of my wife, Melania? I have cameras in her room. She’s very photogenic. A real hottie.”

The joker smiles as his aide arrives with his Diet Coke.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Feisty patriot Rep. Lauren Boebert is outraged at “the gross, God-awful injustice” received by Hunter Biden.

“This guy got a little slap on the wrist and a Hershey’s kiss,” Boebert tells The Lint Screen. “The illegal Justice Department is sending vicious attack dogs to bloody our great leader Donald Trump––and all he did was attempt an insurrection, steal some silly nuclear secrets, and try to overturn a rigged election everyone knows he won. It’s a two-tiered justice system.”

Boebert is especially concerned that President Joe Biden’s son will not be serving serious jail time for possessing a firearm while using drugs.

“You can’t let any looney tune brandish a deadly weapon,” Boebert declares. “We need right-minded MAGA citizens armed and ready to defend their rights against government over-regulation and tyranny. We need to ban trans, books that mention history, dinosaurs that don’t believe in evolution, slavery that’s filthy with white guilt and anyone that does not agree with white Christians. What Biden’s son did was the worst thing ever. Hunter is a clear and present danger. I suggest all Americans arm themselves with AR-15s and any weapon they can secure.”

Boebert thinks the Biden Justice Department is “playing pattycakes” when investigating Democrats and “unleashing unholy, unfair hellfire” on Republicans.

“It’s clear to me that Joe Biden is a communist,” she says. “He’s been talking about crazy things–– socialized medicine, feeding poor people, battling climate change, making corporations and billionaires pay their fair share of taxes, and rebuilding our infrastructure. Why? Does he think something is wrong with our great nation––the one Donald Trump was making great again until he was cheated out of re-election?”

We can sleep well at night knowing Lauren Boebert and her justice-seeking pals are looking out for our best interests.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Oh, Donald, you’re a rascal!

Disgraced twice-impeached, convicted sexual abuser, woman defamer, under criminal indictment in New York City over a hush-money case, with ongoing criminal investigations in at least two other cases, ex-president Donald J. Trump is in some serious hot water in Florida. Last week he was indicted in Florida on 37 criminal charges, including espionage, in relation to his mishandling of information while out of office.

“This is another witch hunt,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. The woke media is out to get me. Yes, I took nuclear secrets. I did it to protect America from Joe Biden. I am a hero.”

Trump swiped hundreds of top-secret classified documents, including highly sensitive nuclear secrets.

“After Biden illegally stole the election,” Trump whines. “MAGA patriots tried to right the wrong on January 6, but the deep state threw them into prisons. It was disgraceful. Being the greatest president ever, I was worried for our country after I spent years making America great again. I knew Biden would destroy it. So I took nuclear secrets to save us from a madman. People should be thanking me for my service. I should get medals of honor. I’ll talk with Lindsey about that.”

The con man shifts in his seat and leans forward, angry.

“People don’t understand that I had declassified all the files I took,” Trump scolds. “Once I think a secret file is declassified, then Shazam, like magic, it is. And there was nothing to worry about because I stored the documents in very safe places in Mar-a-Lago. I looked after them. I always kept the sensitive files close at hand to review––even on the toilet. What’s there to worry about?”

We’ll let special counsel Jack Smith and crew do their jobs and find out.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Florida Governor and Republican presidential candidate Ron DeSantis is making his anti-Disney position a key plank in his campaign.

“Disney is the greatest threat to American democracy,” DeSantis tells The Lint Screen. “We must reject Disney’s woke agenda of indoctrinating our innocent Christian children, and when I am elected president, I will destroy them.”

The rascally woke warrior has never met a culture war he didn’t like, and DeSantis has had Disney in his crosshairs ever since the company dared to question his controversial “Don’t say gay” law in Florida.

“I won’t stand for any disagreement,” DeSantis declares. “I’ll decide what is appropriate, what books to read, and what history should be taught. And if you go against me, you’re asking for trouble because I always know what’s best. Me, get it? I will not tolerate those who dare to disagree, and I pledge to eliminate these enemies of democracy. It’s the only way we can keep free speech free! Mine is the only voice that matters, always.”

Asked to list his grievances with Disney, DeSantis gets visibly agitated.

“Oh, come on, get serious,” he snips. “Look at the seven dwarves. They’re obviously gay. Seven men marching behind a lipstick lesbian singing ‘Whistle while you’re woke.’ It’s indoctrinating young children that sodomy is A-O-K. Is that a message we should be sending to American youths? I don’t think so.”

But DeSantis is just getting started.

“And what about the Genie is Aladdin?” he asks. “I think we all know what’s going on there. And Winnie the Pooh? It’s obvious what that pot of honey he’s always after is really about. And Goofy, Donald Duck, Peter Pan? Gay, gay, and really gay! What boy hangs out with someone named Tinkerbell and wants to fly? I mean, come on!”

The pompous presidential hopeful shakes his head.

“And don’t even get me started on Mickey Mouse. Those white gloves aren’t fooling anyone. We know where those mitts have been.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Harlan Crow, the Texas rightwing billionaire, is at it again–– he’s showering Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas and his cuckoo wife Ginni with another lavish gift.

This time, Thomas’s sugar daddy has gifted the couple a lavish mansion in the California hills.

“It’s just a little bungalow,” Crow tells The Lint Screen. “The residence is only 50,000 square feet. It’s a getaway cabin for my favorite couple. I told ‘Clare Bear’ and ‘Gin-Gin’ they could use the place as their love shack. They liked that idea. I do, too, since the place is wired with A/V equipment.”

Crow has lavished the power couple for decades with yacht cruises, private air travel, stays at his luxury properties, and expensive meals. None of these “gifts” were reported by Clarence Thomas on his taxes.

“I’m a damn Supreme Court Justice,” Thomas says. “I am the law of the land, and I’ll do whatever the hell I like. Question me again and you’ll be executed.”

Harlan Crow also bought Clarence Thomas’s childhood home and allowed the Justice’s mother to live there rent-free. Mr. Moneybags also paid for private schooling for Thomas’s great-nephew, who the high judge claims he has raised “as a son.” None of these “gifts” were reported by Clarence Thomas.

“I honestly don’t see what the brouhaha is about,” Crow says. “I’m good friends with the Thomas couple. I have had business before the Supreme Court, but I trust my expensive gestures of friendship would ever influence a straight-shooter like Justice Thomas.”

Chief Justice John Roberts agrees.

“I’m sick and tired of all the bellyaching about Court improprieties,” Roberts says. “People must respect The Supreme Court. We are the people who uphold justice, and we do so with the utmost integrity and honor. We decide important matters like women’s healthcare and what they can and can’t do with their bodies, we bestow more corporate liberties and freedom from nasty regulations, what people are allowed to vote, we permit dark money to buy elections, and we handle other big issues of the day. We are above reproach.”

Jane Roberts, the Chief Justice’s wife, has made over $10 million in the past eight years working as a recruiter placing lawyers at legal firms with business before The Supreme Court. The Roberts couple declared this income as “salary” and not “commissions.”

“If we had called Jane’s ten mil ‘commissions,’ it would have looked shady,” John Roberts decrees. “Like we’re profiting placing lawyers with business before the court I rule. And I won’t have my court questioned about unethical behavior. We’re beyond suspicion and scandals. We may imprison people who do not respect our court sufficiently. That seems fair and just to me.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.