Florida culture warrior and Gov. Ron DeSantis has been making subtle moves indicating a run for the presidency––publishing a book, becoming a Fox News darling, and fighting the woke. But one thing he hasn’t done––pick a fight with the GOP’s great White House hope––disgraced twice-impeached, and recently indicted ex-President Donald J. Trump.

Until now, that is!

DeSantis visited The Lint Screen offices in Tallahassee to discuss his presidential hopes.

“I’m a lot like Donald Trump,” DeSantis said, cramming his mouth with fistfuls of Nacho Cheese Doritos. “I’m a bad boy. A naughty ragamuffin. I’m no damn good. While I feel for the unfair treatment of the former president, I think American citizens should know I will do a lot worse. I like sinning, so if the GOP is looking for the anti-law and order guy, they got him in this sexy package.”

DeSantis smiles, crossing his legs and sending shafts of blinding sunlight reflected off his white booties dancing across walls.

“I’m what the GOP needs,” DeSantis says. “I am a fighter––a scoop of Florida sand in the Vaseline of political correctness. I took on Disney, women’s reproductive rights, and loosened gun controls so every citizen can carry a gun like a desperado in the Wild West. AR-15s are cool by me. Hell, toss hand grenades for all I care. I also fought covid vaccines. I’ve made every day in Florida like playing the lottery. Feelin’ lucky, punk?” He grins.

“I also have fought drag queens who read,” DeSantis claims. “Literacy and cross-dressing don’t mix. And I’ve rewritten history books so white people never feel guilty. I’m making mayo on white bread, the order of the day.”

The Grubbynor shovels more Doritos into his gob, working his jaw like a beaver in a balsa wood forest.

“Don’t get me wrong,” he says, orange crumbs falling from the corners of his mouth. “I still love Trump and think he is the second coming. But in case he can’t make it to the White House due to legal problems, I’m on deck, and getting oranger by the day.”

He thrusts two orange-dusted thumbs into the air and dances the mashed potato in his spiffy white boots.

“Back, Ron,” he shouts. “He’s the bad-boy bomb!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

South Carolina Senator and Belle of the Ball Lindsay Graham went on Fox News‘s Hannity show last night and turned on the waterworks.

“What happened to Donald J. Trump is an American tragedy,” Graham said with teary eyes. “It’s worse than the attack on Pearl Harbor or 9-11. We were able to bounce back from those, but this? I’m not so sure. We’ve never seen such a sad day in our history.”

Graham was outraged because yesterday, the twice-impeached disgraced ex-president made history again––becoming the first former president slapped with criminal charges when Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg hit him with 34 felony counts for concealing his payments to pornstar Stormy Daniels. Here’s free legal advice: don’t try cheating the tax man.

“Ironically, this persecution of Trump happened during Holy Week,” Graham said, bawling like a baby. “Jesus got a raw deal getting nailed to the cross, but Trump’s treatment is even worse. Like Jesus, God sent him here to save us, and this is the thanks Trump gets––he’s treated like a common criminal!“

Hannity comforted the sobbed senator who blew through a box of Kleenex during a commercial break. When the show returned, Lindsay began his pitchman mode.

“People, we need your help,” he said, looking in the camera and into America’s living rooms. “Won’t you help save our greatest president ever? He needs your support. Although he is a billionaire, you need to scrape together all your cash and send it to him through my website––lindsaygraham.org. I will send every penny to Trump’s defense fund after I wet my beak.”

Graham got choked up as he batted his pretty eyes.

“You have got to help, Mr. and Mrs. America,” he said. “If you don’t have money, sell a kidney, your children, your home, and your car. Send me the money. Every dollar makes a difference when we’re trying to save our hellhole of a nation by saving the only man who can make it great again––Donald Trump.”

He sniffled. “I’m also asking you to pray for him. I spend a lot of time on my knees before President Trump. He loves it. Prayers work. Help me support our god in his time of need.”

Graham looks across the table at the show host.

“Sean,” he said. “I’m going to need a shoulder to cry on, you hunka hunka burnin’ love,” The spineless weasel scooting closer.

“You got it, Lindsay,” Hannity said. “I’m here for you, buddy. Always.”

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Be a reader of PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Loonie House Republicans are working hard for the most pressing issues of everyday Americans: history books that may make children feel bad and drag queens reading books to them.

“We must protect the children,” Rep. Matt Gaetz tells The Lint Screen. “Our schools are incredibly dangerous places if they contain books about slavery, and Jim Crow laws. Stuff like that may make a white child feel guilty. That would be tragic! It’s every parent’s nightmare if they’re kids aren’t safe in schools.”

Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy thinks there is an even bigger threat to American youth.

“We cannot tolerate drag queen reading hour,” says the spineless puppet of MAGA nut jobs. “A man dressed like a woman reading books and polluting a child’s mind forever. Do we want our sons to be confused about accessorizing? There is no greater American threat than literate crossdressers.”

“That’s so true, you worthless scum,” Rep. Lauren Boebert says as she pushes McCarthy’s head down and shoves him aside. “We must arm every child with an AR-15 to protect themselves from the ever-present dangers they face––history books and drag queens!”

“And let’s not forget about Hunter’s laptop,” says Rep. Jim Jordan. “That is also a great danger to every American child and adult. The GOP has always stood for law and order, except when it applies to us. Then, screw it; all bets are off–– beat the cops and crap on the floors of Congress. Hang the vice president. We must do whatever it takes to protect the patriots and keep Trump in office!!!“

“Donald Trump is our gift from God,” adds kooky blowhard Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene. “He is on a sacred mission to make America great again by restricting voting rights, cutting taxes, loosening gun laws, eliminating social programs, banning books, re-enacting Jim Crow laws, restricting free speech, and locking up his critics.”

Greene places a choke collar around McCarthy’s neck, slips a leash on it, and pushes him, “Let’s go, Kevvy,” she says. “Walkies!”

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Be a reader of PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Five’s the charm for billionaire mogul Rupert Murdoch. The 92-year-old kingpin of yellow journalism and fake news is getting married for the fifth time this summer. His latest edition blushing bride will be Ann Lesley Smith, 66. This will be her third marriage.

“I think women find me incredibly handsome and irresistible,” Murdoch tells The Lint Screen. “I guess some guys just naturally have it, that certain thing, and some guys don’t. This old boy obviously has it––in spades! Hell, my last wife was married to Mick Jagger before me. Jerry used to call me her ‘rock star lover.’ So, in your face, Mick! She couldn’t get no satisfaction with you.”

Murdoch pumps his fist in the air and attempts to do a split. As he slowly descends toward the floor, his hip begins to dislocate, and he stops.

“Dammit!” he says, straightening up. “I’m as excited as a schoolboy. I can’t wait to engage in post-marital sex. With a human woman.”

Asked if he thought perhaps some of his attractiveness may be the result of his immense wealth and power, Murdoch shakes his head.

“That’s poppycock,” he says. “Anyone who says that is jealous. Women worship me because I’m a love machine. And if they’re good girls for daddy, I will give them peppermint or butterscotch candies. And a shiny quarter––that I pull from their ear!”

The Aussie fat cat is chairman of Fox Corp, and a $1.6 billion defamation lawsuit brought by Dominion Voting Systems against Fox News begins April 17th.

“I’m not worried about this Dominion dustup,” Murdoch says. “Fox personalities were simply entertaining our viewers. Giving the people what they want. Where is the law against that? And let’s face it, no sane person would think a loser like Trump actually won the election. The whole lawsuit is silly.”

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Be a reader of PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.