Florida Governor and Republican presidential candidate Ron DeSantis is making his anti-Disney position a key plank in his campaign.

“Disney is the greatest threat to American democracy,” DeSantis tells The Lint Screen. “We must reject Disney’s woke agenda of indoctrinating our innocent Christian children, and when I am elected president, I will destroy them.”

The rascally woke warrior has never met a culture war he didn’t like, and DeSantis has had Disney in his crosshairs ever since the company dared to question his controversial “Don’t say gay” law in Florida.

“I won’t stand for any disagreement,” DeSantis declares. “I’ll decide what is appropriate, what books to read, and what history should be taught. And if you go against me, you’re asking for trouble because I always know what’s best. Me, get it? I will not tolerate those who dare to disagree, and I pledge to eliminate these enemies of democracy. It’s the only way we can keep free speech free! Mine is the only voice that matters, always.”

Asked to list his grievances with Disney, DeSantis gets visibly agitated.

“Oh, come on, get serious,” he snips. “Look at the seven dwarves. They’re obviously gay. Seven men marching behind a lipstick lesbian singing ‘Whistle while you’re woke.’ It’s indoctrinating young children that sodomy is A-O-K. Is that a message we should be sending to American youths? I don’t think so.”

But DeSantis is just getting started.

“And what about the Genie is Aladdin?” he asks. “I think we all know what’s going on there. And Winnie the Pooh? It’s obvious what that pot of honey he’s always after is really about. And Goofy, Donald Duck, Peter Pan? Gay, gay, and really gay! What boy hangs out with someone named Tinkerbell and wants to fly? I mean, come on!”

The pompous presidential hopeful shakes his head.

“And don’t even get me started on Mickey Mouse. Those white gloves aren’t fooling anyone. We know where those mitts have been.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Harlan Crow, the Texas rightwing billionaire, is at it again–– he’s showering Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas and his cuckoo wife Ginni with another lavish gift.

This time, Thomas’s sugar daddy has gifted the couple a lavish mansion in the California hills.

“It’s just a little bungalow,” Crow tells The Lint Screen. “The residence is only 50,000 square feet. It’s a getaway cabin for my favorite couple. I told ‘Clare Bear’ and ‘Gin-Gin’ they could use the place as their love shack. They liked that idea. I do, too, since the place is wired with A/V equipment.”

Crow has lavished the power couple for decades with yacht cruises, private air travel, stays at his luxury properties, and expensive meals. None of these “gifts” were reported by Clarence Thomas on his taxes.

“I’m a damn Supreme Court Justice,” Thomas says. “I am the law of the land, and I’ll do whatever the hell I like. Question me again and you’ll be executed.”

Harlan Crow also bought Clarence Thomas’s childhood home and allowed the Justice’s mother to live there rent-free. Mr. Moneybags also paid for private schooling for Thomas’s great-nephew, who the high judge claims he has raised “as a son.” None of these “gifts” were reported by Clarence Thomas.

“I honestly don’t see what the brouhaha is about,” Crow says. “I’m good friends with the Thomas couple. I have had business before the Supreme Court, but I trust my expensive gestures of friendship would ever influence a straight-shooter like Justice Thomas.”

Chief Justice John Roberts agrees.

“I’m sick and tired of all the bellyaching about Court improprieties,” Roberts says. “People must respect The Supreme Court. We are the people who uphold justice, and we do so with the utmost integrity and honor. We decide important matters like women’s healthcare and what they can and can’t do with their bodies, we bestow more corporate liberties and freedom from nasty regulations, what people are allowed to vote, we permit dark money to buy elections, and we handle other big issues of the day. We are above reproach.”

Jane Roberts, the Chief Justice’s wife, has made over $10 million in the past eight years working as a recruiter placing lawyers at legal firms with business before The Supreme Court. The Roberts couple declared this income as “salary” and not “commissions.”

“If we had called Jane’s ten mil ‘commissions,’ it would have looked shady,” John Roberts decrees. “Like we’re profiting placing lawyers with business before the court I rule. And I won’t have my court questioned about unethical behavior. We’re beyond suspicion and scandals. We may imprison people who do not respect our court sufficiently. That seems fair and just to me.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

 

Just when you thought the criminality of the Trump presidency couldn’t get worse, it does.

Noelle Dunphy, a New York-based public relations professional who worked for Rudy Giuliani in 2019 and 2020 when he was Trump’s attorney, alleges the former NYC mayor was selling presidential pardons for $2 million.

“So what?” Giuliani tells The Lint Screen.  “It wasn’t like I was the only one benefiting from this arrangement. I was a good earner, and as the bagman, I would kick up a cool million to President Trump. He’s got to wet his beak, you know. That’s a big payday for just signing your name. A million bucks for your autograph? I’ll take that deal all day long.”

Giuliani sees no harm in selling presidential pardons.

“You’ve played Monopoly, right?” he asks this reporter. “Well, this was like ‘the get out of jail free’ card used in the game. Are you telling me there’s something against the law in using an idea from one of the most popular board games ever? Come on, let’s get real here. I was selling three pardons for $5 million. Offering quantity discounts is smart business.”

The conspiracy huckster grifter smiles. “This woman, Noelle what’s-her-name, is obviously a total whack job who thinks she knows the law. How could selling presidential pardons be illegal when they are issued by President Trump himself? He’s running the whole damn country––if he doesn’t know the law of the land, who the hell does?”

Trump is the disgraced twice-impeached ex-president, convicted sexual abuser, and woman defamer, under criminal indictment in New York City over a hush-money lawsuit and with ongoing criminal investigations in at least three other cases, but his trusted consigliere never wavers.

Rudy shakes his head in disbelief.

“This story is just another Trump witch hunt,” Giuliani says. “Say––you, uh, wanna buy some black market nukes?” the slimebucket whispers.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Pity poor Donald J. Trump.

Not so long ago, he was the President of the United States of America. “I was the best president ever,” he claims. Now he is a disgraced twice-impeached, convicted sexual abuser, woman defamer, under criminal indictment in New York City over a hush-money case, and with ongoing criminal investigations in at least three other cases, ex-president.

“The entire E. Jean Carroll case was a sham,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “How could I possibly be found guilty when they couldn’t find a jury of my peers? They got six Trump-hating guys and three Trump-despising ladies. How in the hell is that justice?”

A federal jury found Trump liable in a civil case for sexual abuse and defamation of E. Jean Carroll in 1996 and ruled he should pay her $5 million in total damages.

“I’m a star,” Trump claims. “You can’t have ordinary people deciding appropriate behavior for celebrities like me. Peasants and commoners don’t realize guys like me get a free pass on groping, clutching, and doing whatever we want because we know that’s what our fans crave. They want us to share our star power. We’re giving the people what they want––but are too afraid to ask for. This case was a joke. Another witch hunt.”

Trump explains the only way to find justice is with a trial by a jury of his peers.

“Stars like me are the only ones qualified to review my behavior and decide if it’s appropriate,” Trump says. “Men of impeccable character like Bill Cosby, Bill O’Reilly, Kevin Spacey, R Kelly, Prince Andrew, and Jeff Epstein––if he were alive. Those are the only people who could determine my guilt or innocence. Not some time card jerk from Staten Island, a lunch pail Charley from Queens, or Brooklyn Nancy in the secretarial pool.”

The ex-leader of the free world shakes his head in disgust.

“I can’t believe what’s happened to this country under Biden,” Trump whines. “There is no justice and never-ending Trump bashing because they know I’m the only one who knows how to make America great again. Wait until I get back in the office. There will be hell to pay, let me tell you.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts is outraged. The Senate Judiciary Committee wants more formal ethical standards at the high court.

“How dare they?” Roberts said. “Senators have their jobs for six years, Supreme Court Justices are here for life––we can do whatever we damn well please. The laws of mere mortals do not apply!”

Many Senators believe Justice Clarence Thomas and Justice Neil Gorsuch have made severe ethical breaches. Thomas and his nutty MAGA wife Ginni enjoyed lavish vacations worth millions of dollars compliments of Texas billionaire and mega-conservative donor Harlan Crow.

“Mr. Crow is friends with Justice Thomas and his wife,” Roberts explains. “He picked up a couple of checks. Big deal. The fact that Justice Thomas didn’t report it is simply a memory hiccup. In the legal trade, we call that ‘an oopsie moment.’“

Thomas also failed to disclose Crow bought his childhood home and properties around it.

“Mr. Crow allowed Justice Thomas’s mother to live in the house free,” Roberts explains. “That’s a simple act of kindness. It’s what good Christians do. And the fact that Justice Clarence Thomas did not recuse himself from a case Mr. Crow had before the court is a mere coincidence. Another oopsie moment.“

Justice Neil Gorsuch had a cabin in Colorado he’d been trying to sell for two years––then quickly sold it after becoming a Supreme Court Justice. The buyer was Brian Duffy, the chief executive of the prominent law firm Greenberg Traurig. Guess what? Since the purchase, Duffy’s legal firm has had at least 22 cases before the court.

“People complain Justice Gorsuch did not recuse himself from any of the Greenburg Traurig cases,” Roberts says with a dismissive wave. “I don’t see the connection. Money changed hands, but that isn’t likely to change the law in favor of those who profited by it.”

The Chief Justice smirks.

“And if the Senators don’t like it,” he says, “they can sue us. We’ll see where that gets you.” He chortles.

Charles Koch arrives with a wheelbarrow of cash, and Roberts begins stuffing bills under his robe.

“You can’t buy this court,” Roberts says with a wink. “Nope!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Fox News fired its most popular host Tucker Carlson on Monday. Today, Mikhail Robninikov, the president of the Russian propaganda news network Putie-Vision, announced Carlson would be hosting a new show on May 1st.

“We are excited to have Comrade Carlson on our team,” Robninikov tells The Lint Screen. “He will be most important asset to Putie-Vision. The launch date of May the first is important for it is ‘The Day of Spring and Labour,’ a popular holiday in Mother Russia with parades and many destructive weapons displayed.”

Putie-Vision recently launched in most USA markets as a pipeline of pure Russian propaganda.

“We shall battle liberal channels like Fox News, Newsmax, and One America News Network,” Robninikov declares. “Comrade Tucker was good asset at Fox, but now he can be unleashed. Tucker Truth Time will be unfiltered, allowing him to speak his mind completely.”

Robninikov believes Tucker’s loyal fans will follow him to Putie-Vision.

“We expect big rating surge thanks to Comrade Tucker,” the network exec says. “And will secure even more viewers when we debut Donald J. Trump Fearless Leader Time sponsored by Mr. Pillow.”

The Russian becomes animated as he continues.

“This show will allow glorious American leader to tell of the many slights he has suffered and list his many grievances. He will speak of bold new future awaiting Amerika under his bold and strong leadership after landslide victory beating evil Joe Biden. Comrade Trump’s co-host will be Comrade Marjorie Taylor Greene––most beautiful woman with big brain.”

The pudgy fifty-something Russian laughs.

“Check and mate, Rupert Murdoch,” he says, smiling. “We win war!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.