Just when you thought the criminality of the Trump presidency couldn’t get worse, it does.

Noelle Dunphy, a New York-based public relations professional who worked for Rudy Giuliani in 2019 and 2020 when he was Trump’s attorney, alleges the former NYC mayor was selling presidential pardons for $2 million.

“So what?” Giuliani tells The Lint Screen.  “It wasn’t like I was the only one benefiting from this arrangement. I was a good earner, and as the bagman, I would kick up a cool million to President Trump. He’s got to wet his beak, you know. That’s a big payday for just signing your name. A million bucks for your autograph? I’ll take that deal all day long.”

Giuliani sees no harm in selling presidential pardons.

“You’ve played Monopoly, right?” he asks this reporter. “Well, this was like ‘the get out of jail free’ card used in the game. Are you telling me there’s something against the law in using an idea from one of the most popular board games ever? Come on, let’s get real here. I was selling three pardons for $5 million. Offering quantity discounts is smart business.”

The conspiracy huckster grifter smiles. “This woman, Noelle what’s-her-name, is obviously a total whack job who thinks she knows the law. How could selling presidential pardons be illegal when they are issued by President Trump himself? He’s running the whole damn country––if he doesn’t know the law of the land, who the hell does?”

Trump is the disgraced twice-impeached ex-president, convicted sexual abuser, and woman defamer, under criminal indictment in New York City over a hush-money lawsuit and with ongoing criminal investigations in at least three other cases, but his trusted consigliere never wavers.

Rudy shakes his head in disbelief.

“This story is just another Trump witch hunt,” Giuliani says. “Say––you, uh, wanna buy some black market nukes?” the slimebucket whispers.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Pity poor Donald J. Trump.

Not so long ago, he was the President of the United States of America. “I was the best president ever,” he claims. Now he is a disgraced twice-impeached, convicted sexual abuser, woman defamer, under criminal indictment in New York City over a hush-money case, and with ongoing criminal investigations in at least three other cases, ex-president.

“The entire E. Jean Carroll case was a sham,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “How could I possibly be found guilty when they couldn’t find a jury of my peers? They got six Trump-hating guys and three Trump-despising ladies. How in the hell is that justice?”

A federal jury found Trump liable in a civil case for sexual abuse and defamation of E. Jean Carroll in 1996 and ruled he should pay her $5 million in total damages.

“I’m a star,” Trump claims. “You can’t have ordinary people deciding appropriate behavior for celebrities like me. Peasants and commoners don’t realize guys like me get a free pass on groping, clutching, and doing whatever we want because we know that’s what our fans crave. They want us to share our star power. We’re giving the people what they want––but are too afraid to ask for. This case was a joke. Another witch hunt.”

Trump explains the only way to find justice is with a trial by a jury of his peers.

“Stars like me are the only ones qualified to review my behavior and decide if it’s appropriate,” Trump says. “Men of impeccable character like Bill Cosby, Bill O’Reilly, Kevin Spacey, R Kelly, Prince Andrew, and Jeff Epstein––if he were alive. Those are the only people who could determine my guilt or innocence. Not some time card jerk from Staten Island, a lunch pail Charley from Queens, or Brooklyn Nancy in the secretarial pool.”

The ex-leader of the free world shakes his head in disgust.

“I can’t believe what’s happened to this country under Biden,” Trump whines. “There is no justice and never-ending Trump bashing because they know I’m the only one who knows how to make America great again. Wait until I get back in the office. There will be hell to pay, let me tell you.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts is outraged. The Senate Judiciary Committee wants more formal ethical standards at the high court.

“How dare they?” Roberts said. “Senators have their jobs for six years, Supreme Court Justices are here for life––we can do whatever we damn well please. The laws of mere mortals do not apply!”

Many Senators believe Justice Clarence Thomas and Justice Neil Gorsuch have made severe ethical breaches. Thomas and his nutty MAGA wife Ginni enjoyed lavish vacations worth millions of dollars compliments of Texas billionaire and mega-conservative donor Harlan Crow.

“Mr. Crow is friends with Justice Thomas and his wife,” Roberts explains. “He picked up a couple of checks. Big deal. The fact that Justice Thomas didn’t report it is simply a memory hiccup. In the legal trade, we call that ‘an oopsie moment.’“

Thomas also failed to disclose Crow bought his childhood home and properties around it.

“Mr. Crow allowed Justice Thomas’s mother to live in the house free,” Roberts explains. “That’s a simple act of kindness. It’s what good Christians do. And the fact that Justice Clarence Thomas did not recuse himself from a case Mr. Crow had before the court is a mere coincidence. Another oopsie moment.“

Justice Neil Gorsuch had a cabin in Colorado he’d been trying to sell for two years––then quickly sold it after becoming a Supreme Court Justice. The buyer was Brian Duffy, the chief executive of the prominent law firm Greenberg Traurig. Guess what? Since the purchase, Duffy’s legal firm has had at least 22 cases before the court.

“People complain Justice Gorsuch did not recuse himself from any of the Greenburg Traurig cases,” Roberts says with a dismissive wave. “I don’t see the connection. Money changed hands, but that isn’t likely to change the law in favor of those who profited by it.”

The Chief Justice smirks.

“And if the Senators don’t like it,” he says, “they can sue us. We’ll see where that gets you.” He chortles.

Charles Koch arrives with a wheelbarrow of cash, and Roberts begins stuffing bills under his robe.

“You can’t buy this court,” Roberts says with a wink. “Nope!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Fox News fired its most popular host Tucker Carlson on Monday. Today, Mikhail Robninikov, the president of the Russian propaganda news network Putie-Vision, announced Carlson would be hosting a new show on May 1st.

“We are excited to have Comrade Carlson on our team,” Robninikov tells The Lint Screen. “He will be most important asset to Putie-Vision. The launch date of May the first is important for it is ‘The Day of Spring and Labour,’ a popular holiday in Mother Russia with parades and many destructive weapons displayed.”

Putie-Vision recently launched in most USA markets as a pipeline of pure Russian propaganda.

“We shall battle liberal channels like Fox News, Newsmax, and One America News Network,” Robninikov declares. “Comrade Tucker was good asset at Fox, but now he can be unleashed. Tucker Truth Time will be unfiltered, allowing him to speak his mind completely.”

Robninikov believes Tucker’s loyal fans will follow him to Putie-Vision.

“We expect big rating surge thanks to Comrade Tucker,” the network exec says. “And will secure even more viewers when we debut Donald J. Trump Fearless Leader Time sponsored by Mr. Pillow.”

The Russian becomes animated as he continues.

“This show will allow glorious American leader to tell of the many slights he has suffered and list his many grievances. He will speak of bold new future awaiting Amerika under his bold and strong leadership after landslide victory beating evil Joe Biden. Comrade Trump’s co-host will be Comrade Marjorie Taylor Greene––most beautiful woman with big brain.”

The pudgy fifty-something Russian laughs.

“Check and mate, Rupert Murdoch,” he says, smiling. “We win war!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Michael Dewey of the legal firm Dewey, Cheatem & Howe, representing Fox News, spoke with The Lint Screen following the recent Dominion Voting Systems case settlement.

“This case was a travesty of justice,” Dewey says. “Fox News only did what its viewers demanded–– present a believable argument why America’s greatest president, President Trump, lost the 2020 election. He was cheated. He had to be. How else could Joe Biden have won? So Fox anchors did what they had to and fed the beast. They tickled the belly of viewership. And now poor Mr. Murdoch has to pay the piper.”

Randall Cheatem gives his partner rabbit punches to his kidneys. “Talk about journalistic integrity, stupid,” he whispers.

“Oh, yeah,” Dewey says, wincing in pain. “It’s crucial the public knows Fox News may have said some things that were not quite in the ZIP code of non-falsehoods, but the organization still stands for the utmost journalistic integrity standards. Viewers can believe everything they hear on Fox News because… well, just because it’s Fox News. I mean, Tucker Carlson would never lie.”

Atty. Kenneth Howe thinks the enormous payout is a criminal act.

“Dominion Voting Systems is a big baby,” Howe says. “This case proves they can’t take a punch. Our legal system is seriously broken when something like this can happen. A well-respected news organization makes a minor boo-boo, and suddenly, the woke company screams foul! This preposterous payout is a classic example of an organization looking for a nanny state.”

Off in the distance, the remains of Rupert Murdoch, shrouded in a dark, hooded robe and carrying a scythe, points a bony finger beckoning his legal team for a “consultation.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Last night, America witnessed disgraced twice-impeached, recently indicted ex-President Donald J. Trump chewing the fat with Russian propagandist stooge Tucker Carlson, who was sitting on a phone book to look like a big boy.

“America is awful,” Trump told Friar Tuck. “We’re the worst country on earth. A shit-hole. Our military is horrible. The FBI and IRS are hunting down Trump voters and killing them. Our economy has collapsed, unemployment is 98%, the stock market has crashed, and people are eating rats, cockroach stew, mud pies––anything they can get their hands on. Joe Biden has ruined everything I worked so hard to do to make America great again.”

Carlson bobbed his head like a German Shepherd bobblehead in an earthquake.

“Look at other world leaders,” Trump continued. “Putin and Xi are top of the line. Very smart guys. So smart. Vlad invaded Ukraine. He’s bombing citizens, hospitals, killing kids, and sending a clear message––’I’m strong and tough. Give up! Ukraine is mine!’ Putin is Brilliant.”

Tucker smiles. “I love comrade Vladimir. He’s a good man. A great leader.”

“Yes, he is Tuckinator,” Trump says. “Putin and I got along great because we respected each other. I kept him in line by trying to dissemble NATO and trashing our intelligence agencies because I trusted his word.”

“And what about President Xi in China?” Tucksidoodle asks.

“Xi is also a wonderful leader,” Trump says. “Like Putin, he knows you have to control the narrative. You tell people what the truth is. If citizens get out of line, if they question you, you’ve got to send them to prison or labor camps. If journalists cross you, do like MBS in Saudi Arabia and saw them into pieces. That’s the only way to govern. The iron fist rules.”

“You know a lot about leadership, Mr. President,” Tucky-Wucky-Woodle coos.

“I can’t wait to get back into office again,” Trump says. “I will get revenge on all those who doubted me. And all the witch hunters. We’ll free the January 6 patriots and start extracting justice and retribution.”

“Sound like an excellent platform,” What The Tuck says. “You’ve got my vote.”

“Good. And God help anyone who doesn’t vote for me,” Trump says, punching his fist into his open palm. “They’ll see I’m playing politics for keeps.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.