The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

  • Lindsay Cries Over Trump Persecution– “It’s Worse Than Jesus”

    Southern Belle bawls on Hannity over the way his savior is treated.

    South Carolina Senator and Belle of the Ball Lindsay Graham went on Fox News‘s Hannity show last night and turned on the waterworks.

    “What happened to Donald J. Trump is an American tragedy,” Graham said with teary eyes. “It’s worse than the attack on Pearl Harbor or 9-11. We were able to bounce back from those, but this? I’m not so sure. We’ve never seen such a sad day in our history.”

    Graham was outraged because yesterday, the twice-impeached disgraced ex-president made history again––becoming the first former president slapped with criminal charges when Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg hit him with 34 felony counts for concealing his payments to pornstar Stormy Daniels. Here’s free legal advice: don’t try cheating the tax man.

    “Ironically, this persecution of Trump happened during Holy Week,” Graham said, bawling like a baby. “Jesus got a raw deal getting nailed to the cross, but Trump’s treatment is even worse. Like Jesus, God sent him here to save us, and this is the thanks Trump gets––he’s treated like a common criminal!“

    Hannity comforted the sobbed senator who blew through a box of Kleenex during a commercial break. When the show returned, Lindsay began his pitchman mode.

    “People, we need your help,” he said, looking in the camera and into America’s living rooms. “Won’t you help save our greatest president ever? He needs your support. Although he is a billionaire, you need to scrape together all your cash and send it to him through my website––lindsaygraham.org. I will send every penny to Trump’s defense fund after I wet my beak.”

    Graham got choked up as he batted his pretty eyes.

    “You have got to help, Mr. and Mrs. America,” he said. “If you don’t have money, sell a kidney, your children, your home, and your car. Send me the money. Every dollar makes a difference when we’re trying to save our hellhole of a nation by saving the only man who can make it great again––Donald Trump.”

    He sniffled. “I’m also asking you to pray for him. I spend a lot of time on my knees before President Trump. He loves it. Prayers work. Help me support our god in his time of need.”

    Graham looks across the table at the show host.

    “Sean,” he said. “I’m going to need a shoulder to cry on, you hunka hunka burnin’ love,” The spineless weasel scooting closer.

    “You got it, Lindsay,” Hannity said. “I’m here for you, buddy. Always.”

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    Be a reader of PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • GOP: “We must protect kids from history books and drag queens”

    Loonie House Republicans are working hard for the most pressing issues of everyday Americans: history books that may make children feel bad and drag queens reading books to them.

    “We must protect the children,” Rep. Matt Gaetz tells The Lint Screen. “Our schools are incredibly dangerous places if they contain books about slavery, and Jim Crow laws. Stuff like that may make a white child feel guilty. That would be tragic! It’s every parent’s nightmare if they’re kids aren’t safe in schools.”

    Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy thinks there is an even bigger threat to American youth.

    “We cannot tolerate drag queen reading hour,” says the spineless puppet of MAGA nut jobs. “A man dressed like a woman reading books and polluting a child’s mind forever. Do we want our sons to be confused about accessorizing? There is no greater American threat than literate crossdressers.”

    “That’s so true, you worthless scum,” Rep. Lauren Boebert says as she pushes McCarthy’s head down and shoves him aside. “We must arm every child with an AR-15 to protect themselves from the ever-present dangers they face––history books and drag queens!”

    “And let’s not forget about Hunter’s laptop,” says Rep. Jim Jordan. “That is also a great danger to every American child and adult. The GOP has always stood for law and order, except when it applies to us. Then, screw it; all bets are off–– beat the cops and crap on the floors of Congress. Hang the vice president. We must do whatever it takes to protect the patriots and keep Trump in office!!!“

    “Donald Trump is our gift from God,” adds kooky blowhard Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene. “He is on a sacred mission to make America great again by restricting voting rights, cutting taxes, loosening gun laws, eliminating social programs, banning books, re-enacting Jim Crow laws, restricting free speech, and locking up his critics.”

    Greene places a choke collar around McCarthy’s neck, slips a leash on it, and pushes him, “Let’s go, Kevvy,” she says. “Walkies!”

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    Be a reader of PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Playboy Rupert Headed to The Altar for Fifth Time

    Billionaire Rupert Murdoch is delectable eye candy to women worldwide.

    Five’s the charm for billionaire mogul Rupert Murdoch. The 92-year-old kingpin of yellow journalism and fake news is getting married for the fifth time this summer. His latest edition blushing bride will be Ann Lesley Smith, 66. This will be her third marriage.

    “I think women find me incredibly handsome and irresistible,” Murdoch tells The Lint Screen. “I guess some guys just naturally have it, that certain thing, and some guys don’t. This old boy obviously has it––in spades! Hell, my last wife was married to Mick Jagger before me. Jerry used to call me her ‘rock star lover.’ So, in your face, Mick! She couldn’t get no satisfaction with you.”

    Murdoch pumps his fist in the air and attempts to do a split. As he slowly descends toward the floor, his hip begins to dislocate, and he stops.

    “Dammit!” he says, straightening up. “I’m as excited as a schoolboy. I can’t wait to engage in post-marital sex. With a human woman.”

    Asked if he thought perhaps some of his attractiveness may be the result of his immense wealth and power, Murdoch shakes his head.

    “That’s poppycock,” he says. “Anyone who says that is jealous. Women worship me because I’m a love machine. And if they’re good girls for daddy, I will give them peppermint or butterscotch candies. And a shiny quarter––that I pull from their ear!”

    The Aussie fat cat is chairman of Fox Corp, and a $1.6 billion defamation lawsuit brought by Dominion Voting Systems against Fox News begins April 17th.

    “I’m not worried about this Dominion dustup,” Murdoch says. “Fox personalities were simply entertaining our viewers. Giving the people what they want. Where is the law against that? And let’s face it, no sane person would think a loser like Trump actually won the election. The whole lawsuit is silly.”

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    Be a reader of PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Pence: “January 6 was his fault” Trump: “Nuh-uh, liar, liar!”

    Pence: “January 6 was his fault” Trump: “Nuh-uh, liar, liar!”

    Trump and Pence play a championship-level blame game.

    Over the weekend, Former Vice President and milquetoast Sears mannequin Mike Pence discovered he had a pair between his legs. Finally, he spoke out about the attempted coup and insurrection on January 6, 2021.


    “President Trump acted in a rather unkind way on January 6,” Pence told a crowd at the Gridiron dinner over the weekend. “It was his fault people stormed the Capitol and put my family at risk. The angry mob could have killed us or done something even worse––like make us woke. But I couldn’t be prouder of the incredible accomplishments of the Trump-Pence administration. Serving such a great man was a true honor. God sent him to save his people. Mother and I pray for him nightly before we slip into our leather and chains and make some pow-wow-wow.”

    Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald Trump flipped out when he heard what Pence said.

    “That chickenshit weasel was why people were so angry,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Had Pence shown some courage, he could have stopped Biden from stealing my election. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. So unfair, it was very wrong. Pence was in the bag of the woke liberals, so he threw the election. A lot of people are saying Mike is a homicidal killer. A raging maniac. Kills puppy litters. Not a nice fellow.”

    Fox News Russian mole Tucker Carlson thinks both men are wrong.

    “Nothing happened on January 6,” Carlson claims. “I’ve carefully reviewed over 40,000 hours of surveillance footage. The crowd was orderly and well-behaved. I think the Democrats used some of Lucasfilm’s special effects to try and alter history. That’s just disgraceful.”

    A confused nation isn’t sure who to believe because all the men are trustworthy and honorable.

    –––––––––––––––––––––––––————————————————————————

    Be a reader of PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Tucker: “January 6 was a police action against lost tourists”

    Tucker: “January 6 was a police action against lost tourists”

    Russian mole Tucker Carlson spreading his propaganda.

    House Speaker Kevin McCarthy gave Russian propagandist Tucker Carlson over 41,000 hours of video from the January 6, 2001 insurrection/coup attempt, and now all hell is breaking loose.

    Carlson made outrageous claims and lies on his popular Fox News Channel show. Ironically, Fox News is being sued for $1.6 billion by Dominion Voting Systems for its lies and defamation of the company.

    Here are some of Tucker the bullshit slinger‘s greatest hits:

    “Was January 6 really an insurrection? Or was it a brutal police action against hopelessly lost tourists walking through the Capitol Building? It’s hard to say. If you scour all the videos like I did, you can certainly make the case the police were not hospitable to the Capitol visitors. You can see cops beating the poor tourists. Is that any way to increase Washington tourism? Probably not.”

    “Think about all the people arrested for alleged crimes. A thousand peaceful folks. Why were they busted? For wandering around the Capitol Building? Isn’t it supposed to be ‘The People’s House?’ Since when is that a crime to be lost and confused? It’s crazy what happened to these poor souls. Maybe if the cops had been more helpful, they could have given them directions instead of bashing their skulls.”

    “The Democrats love saying January 6 was dangerous to democracy. But was it really? Or was it a group of upset patriots trying to right the wrong of a stolen election won fair and square by President Donald J. Trump? He is the one man in the country working night and day to Make America Great Again. It says so on Trump hats, so you know it’s true. Hats don’t lie. And can anyone possibly dispute God sent Trump to save us? Praise be Donald J. Trump.”

    “We can lay all the blame for the violence on January 6 at the feet of Mike Pence. He could have saved Trump’s second term if he had been strong instead of a pathetic weakling. But for some reason, the wimp folded like a tent and gave the government to Biden and the evil baby blood-drinking liberals. Pence’s weakness is a disgrace; yet amazingly, he’s still a free man today. Whatever happened to the rule of law and justice in America?”

    Carlson received a congratulatory phone call from disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin for his excellent reporting.

    “I love Tucker,” Putin told The Lint Screen. “He is a true patriot.”

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    Be a reader of PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Murdoch: “No one watches Fox News for truth and honesty”

    Murdoch: “No one watches Fox News for truth and honesty”

    News Corp. Chairman Rupert Murdoch, AKA Montgomery Burns from “The Simpsons”

    Pity poor billionaire Rupert Murdoch. The evil leader of a yellow journalism empire finds his company in a $1.6 billion defamation lawsuit from Dominion Voting Systems for the actions of Fox News promoting “the big lie” that Donald J. Trump won the 2020 presidential election.

    The Lint Screen greased some palms at the courthouse, slipped a bottle of Four Roses to the right guy, and got a copy of Murdoch’s deposition under oath. Here are some of the stunning revelations.

    ATTY: Mr. Murdoch, are you aware Fox News Hosts Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, and Tucker Carlson exchanged texts and emails admitting they knew that Trump lost the election?

    RM: Of course, I knew. For chrissakes, they work for me. I know everything they’re doing and saying. I pay them a pretty penny. I own their sorry asses, and they kiss my wrinkled ass.

    ATTY: Even though these Fox News hosts knew the claims of Trump’s election victory were a lie, they continued promoting it by having interviews with Rudy Giuliani, Sidney Powell, and Mike Lindell.

    RM: Lindell––he’s the Mr. Pillow guy, right?

    ATTY: Yes.

    RM: He spends millions advertising his crappy pillows on Fox News, so naturally, he has an open invitation. We welcome his insane rants. Our viewers love them. It’s good business.

    ATTY: What about Mr. Giuliani and Ms. Powell? Are they also sponsors?

    RM: No. But they’re both crazier than shit house rats. Raving lunatics who’ll say anything. That’s exciting, viewers can’t enough of them, so they’re great for ratings.

    ATTY: Even though they are sporting conspiracy theories and known lies?

    RM: Absolutely.

    ATTY: But isn’t Fox News supposed to be a news source? Doesn’t news entail journalistic standards of truth and honesty?

    RM: What fantasy land do you live in, Poindexter? No one watches Fox News for truth and honesty. That’s not our brand.

    ATTY: Are you saying you knowingly broadcast lies, conspiracy theories, cockamamie rants, and outrageous stories?

    RM: Yes, if it’s good for business. We are the most-watched cable network news channel and have been for a long time. Bullshit is our business model. Our viewers demand it, and we deliver for them. If we don’t, they’ll find it somewhere else.

    ATTY: But you’re damaging other businesses in the process, like Dominion Voting Systems. Your channel’s outrageous allegations have caused––

    RM: Dominion needs to grow a pair and learn how to take a punch. If they can’t take the heat, they deserve to be collateral damage.

    ATTY: And it doesn’t bother you Tucker Carlson promotes Russian propaganda.

    RM: No. Not if it brings eyeballs, and the last Nielsen Ratings I saw, more people watch Tucker than anyone else. If promoting communism is good for capitalism, I’m all in, comrade.

    ATTY: Mr. Murdoch, you do understand you’re being sued for $1.6 billion?

    RM: Yes. I’ll put it on my AmEx and earn points. Are we done here? I have an orphanage and children’s hospital to burn down.

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    Be a reader of PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.

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