Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump took his grievance tour to East Palestine, Ohio, to rally support for his 2024 run to reclaim the White House.

The Lint Screen reprints his remarks to residents suffering the aftermath of a catastrophic Norfolk Southern train derailment on February 3rd that dumped dangerous chemicals into the ground and waters.

D. TRUMP: It’s good to be here in East Palestine. So good being here. One of my proudest accomplishments was solving your troubles with Israel. Peace in the Middle East––they said it couldn’t be done, but I did it. Palestinians and Israelis finally getting along. I was such an amazing President.

I came here because Joe Biden caused a train wreck. He doesn’t know anything about trains, not like Trump. Biden is a not-so-nice man. Everyone knows he stole my election, and now he is ruining your lives. His train wreck ruined your water, and then he went to Ukraine. No one knows why. Ukraine is fine. Putin is not a threat. Putin was never a threat when I was in office. Such a good man, Putin. I controlled him. He was gentle as a kitten.

Biden ruined everything and then abandoned you. Now I am here to save the day. I brought you water. Not just any water. Trump Water. The best water. The most incredible water on earth. Many people are saying it comes from the fountain of youth. They say Trump Water makes you live longer. Drinkers get many, many more years of life. So many years. Some people say Trump Water has healing powers. And it makes you smarter.

Trump Water makes you more brainlier. We don’t know for sure, but many people are saying it so I brought you lots of Trump Water because I care. Biden doesn’t care. He doesn’t have water.

Biden and the radical left want to ruin America like they ruined your beautiful city. They want to persecute and prosecute the patriots who stood up to Biden’s gang of thugs cheating me out of my landslide victory. Such a disgrace. They cheated so much.

Maybe now that my Kevin has given the Capitol security tapes to my Tucker, we’ll get to the bottom of their conspiracy to overturn my re-election.

The evil liberals want to take our guns and change the sex of our children. Teach them CRT. Then they will groom the innocent kids, kill them, and drink their blood. It’s not right. They should drink Trump Water. Such good water. An amazing liquid.

They want to burn our bibles and murder our pets. They will steal our desserts, take the batteries out of our TV remotes, and turn off our hot water heaters. The evil Democrats want to take our gas stoves and make us flush our toilets many times. So many, many times. They are not very nice. Not very nice at all.

They even want to make the green M&M less sexy. Like she’s Amish. It’s disgraceful.

Only I can save and protect you. Vote Trump 2024. Let’s Make America Great Again. And if you want an incredible deal on Trump Steaks, see Louie at the black Lincoln Tow Car over there––he has a couple of boxes of delicious Trump Steaks he’ll sell at a fantastic price.

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It took a $1.6 billion defamation lawsuit by Dominion Voting Systems to expose an obvious truth––Fox News Channel is a propaganda outlet for The Republican Party.

The network’s popular anchors knew false claims of Donald Trump winning the 2020 election were “a steaming pile of bullshit” and “a fairy tale from a delusional ass,” yet they repeated the wild claims as if they were true.

Newly released texts from these outlandish liars show how they willingly carried water for the disgraced twice-impeached ex-President.

“Trump is nuts,” Hannity wrote his colleagues. “But we’d better keep peddling his stolen election claims if we want to continue cashing paychecks and drinking Pappy Van Winkle.”

“I’ve got more mortgages than Citibank,” Tucker Carlson replied. “I’ll do whatever it takes to keep ratings high. I sold my soul long ago.”

“OMG, I just heard Newsman has booked Mr. Pillow!!!” a nervous Laura Ingraham texted. “That guy is a lunatic. Viewers love him. We can’t get one-upped by Newsmax. It’ll kill our ratings.”

“Don’t worry,” Hannity replied. “I’m giving Rudy and Sidney Powell lots of airtime tonight. They’ll lay down a good ground cover of manure. I have Don Jr. on speed dial if we need to go to the bullpen.”

“Great,” Carlson wrote. “But how do we handle Jacqui Heinrich, Neil Cavuto, and Chris Wallace? Those sons of bitches are on air questioning Trump’s claims. WTF?! That’s bad for our brand. We can’t have the truth sneaking into Fox News. Hell, they’re hurting News Corp’s stock price. It’s costing me a GD fortune. I’ve got Gulfstream payments to make.”

“Relax,” Ingraham wrote. “I’ll make some poison punch and shut their yaps.”

“That’s the spirit,” Carlson wrote. “Tonight, I’m giving one of my rambling editorials where I ask stupid questions like ‘What kind of people would vote for Joe Biden? Do they even exist?’ and then look dumbfounded into the camera. That crap always plays to the cheap seats. Our viewers are good people, so we have to keep lying so they won’t be disappointed. We can’t burst their bubbles. And remember, Putin is also watching. We have to impress him.”

“Sounds good,” Hannity replied. “Whatever it takes, my comrades, we’ve got help Trump. That raging maniac is gold for ratings and he’s our meal ticket.”

“I love journalism,” Carlson wrote. “People will believe anything we tell them.”

“Amen, brother,” Ingraham replied. “Amen.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Following President Joe Biden’s State of the Union Address, Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders gave a stern and dour official GOP rebuttal. Huckabee Sanders, who used to be the shill press mouthpiece of disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump, droned on about the misery of American life under Biden.

“It is tragic what has happened to our great nation,” said the gloom queen. “Donald Trump made America great again, and now the country’s in a horrible, awful state because of radical Joe Biden and his woke thugs destroying our democracy. They jailed the patriots who tried to protect our country by storming the Capitol––people who know Donald Trump is our fairly-elected leader put here by God to save us from liberalism. It’s tragic.”

Huckabee Sanders painted an image of a country in shambles.

“The Democrats indoctrinate innocent children, forcing them to crossdress, pick their pronouns, have gender reveal parties at age six, study critical race theory, and burn Bibles,” she declared, shaking her head in disgust. “The woke crowd want to teach children about slavery, which was was just a little misunderstanding––but the liberal loonies want to paint our glorious history in a negative way. Why can’t we let sleeping dogs lie?”

The matron of melancholy blames all the nation’s ills on Biden.

“He and Fauci caused Covid and forced us to get vaccines,” she claimed, “and Biden took us to war against our ally Putin’s Russia, a nation of white Christians who simply want their land back from Ukraine. Now the Democrats are cheering because they will rebuild the infrastructure and bring jobs back to America. What’s wrong with things the way they are? Why do they have to change everything? They are ruining our country––it’s a real hellhole, thanks to Biden.”

Huckabee Sanders ended her rebuttal on a note of optimism.

“The only good news is the life expectancy of Americans is falling,” she said. “So if you’re lucky, you won’t have to endure the pain of Biden’s America much longer.” She smiled. “Goodnight, sleep well!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump is the only declared Republican Party candidate in the 2024 presidential race. Still, many other party leaders are testing the waters for a possible run. The Lint Screen sat with Trump at his Mar-a-Lago home to discuss his potential rivals. Between bites of bacon cheeseburgers, breaded French fries dipped in ranch dressing, and Diet Cokes, the overweight man s gave his expert analysis of the field.

Nikki Haley: “I like Nikki,” Trump says. “But America isn’t ready for someone like her. For one, she’s a woman, so that she will be very temperamental. Look what happened to Hillary. I’m not sexist. I love women. It’s just a fact they can’t lead a country. A president must be calm and make tough decisions. Many, many tough decisions. You can’t be crying all the time and throwing temper tantrums. America needs a very stable genius like me with a proven track record. I think Nikki is also some kind of a foreigner. Has anyone checked her birth certificate? Was she even born here? Nikki could be another Obama. The country needs a white American male. Everyone’s saying that’s Trump.”

Ron DeSantis: “Ron’s an okay governor,” Trump says. “And he never would have been elected if it weren’t for me. He came to me and begged for my support. The guy was crying fountains, it was embarrassing, and he was bowing and scraping to me. I threw him a box of Kleenex and said, “Okay, Ron, I’ll back you.” Suddenly DeSantis went from being behind in the race by over eighty percent to being ahead and winning. No one’s ever seen anything like it. The power of my endorsement is incredible. But he doesn’t have what it takes to be president. Ron should be happy with Florida. If he tries and stabs me in the back by running, I’ll bury him. I made DeSantis. I can destroy him.”

Mike Pence: “Mike doesn’t have a chance,” Trump declares. “He betrayed me on January 6 and turned his back on America. We had many brave patriots fighting like hell to save the country from Joe Biden, who stole the election and is ruining the country. Everyone wanted Trump to stay in office. I was the best president in history, but Mike was weak and put a dagger in my heart. MAGA world hates him and wants to hang him. He’s dead politically and knows better than to toss his hat in the ring.”

Mike Pompeo: “The guy is a total fraud,” Trump says disgustingly. “I made him the head of the CIA and then Secretary of State. But I did all the work. I received beautiful love letters from Kim Jong-un. I made peace in the Middle East. I stood up to Putin and Theresa May, and Angela Merkel. I kept world order, not Pompeo. The guy road my coattails, and I’ll crush him if he runs.”

Ted Cruz: “I slaughtered Lyin’ Ted last time,” Trump brags, “and I’d bury him again. People don’t like liars. A man is only as good as his word, and everyone knows Trump is a straight shooter. Ted, not so much––can’t be trusted. He’s a shifty guy.”

Trump finishes the last burger on the platter and burps. “I don’t think anyone could beat me,” he says. “God sent me to save the country. And there’s no way Joe Biden can steal another election. The patriots won’t allow it. I’ll be back! Everyone misses America’s favorite president––Trump!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Kevin McCarthy suffered public humiliation as he groveled and kissed asses galore to become Speaker of The House, but that was just a taste of the lunacy the new House of Representatives will deliver to the American public.

On the first official day of the 118th Congress, two queens of crazy, Rep. Lauren Boebert and Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene, squared off in the ladies’ room outside of The Chambers. Boebert, who sided with cretin teen girl sex trafficker Matt Gaetz, opposed McCarthy in his Speakership bid. Greene was on “Team Kev” and was angry with those obstinate Representatives who fought 15 ballot votes to get McCarthy elected Speaker.

A transcript of their confrontation follows.

LB: Well, well, well, look who’s here––if it isn’t Kevin’s little Barbie-wannabe bitch.

MTG: Watch it, Boe-dirt. Don’t you go and be knocking my man.

LB: Man? Ha! McCarthy’s no man. Trump castrated that spineless suck-up long ago. The Donald displays Kevin’s manhood on his mantle in Mar-a-Lago. You might be able to see it with a microscope.

MTG: Watch what you’re saying about our new leader, bitch, or I’ll smack you so hard you’ll… you’ll be… you’ll be really, really sorry. I mean it! And your face will hurt too.

LB: Don’t make me laugh, blondie. Your slaps would feel like mosquito wings brushing against my skin.

MTG: I’m serious, Boe-dirt, you little Gaetz-skank. I’m sitting on the Kick-Ass Committee and am about to open a can of whoop-ass on you.

LB: Oh, yeah, tough stuff? Are you packing?

MTG: What?

LB: Are you strapping?

MTG: No. Kevin’s not into S&M. He says it hurts too much.

LB: Not that kind of strapping, idiot. Are you armed? Do you have a gun?

MTG: Of course not. We’re in The Capitol.

LB: Well, cupcake, I’m always packing. And trust me––you do NOT want me drawing down on you.

MTG: You’re not allowed to have guns in here. I’m going to tell Kevin you’re––

LB: You’re not telling that little turd anything, teacher’s pet. Now, get out of here before I unload on you.

MTG: But I have to pee.

LB: You do? Really? Look––what’s that yellow puddle you’re standing in?

MTG: Oh. I must have–

LB: Scram, blondie. Go running back to McCarthy. Maybe the next time you see me, you’ll have one of those Jewish lasers from outer space.

(THE BATHROOM DOOR OPENS, AND SEN. LINDSAY GRAHAM WALKS IN AND SPEAKS)

LG: Hello, ladies. Would one of you be an absolute angel and let me borrow a dab of rouge? I’m whiter than a MAGA rally.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.