Kevin McCarthy suffered public humiliation as he groveled and kissed asses galore to become Speaker of The House, but that was just a taste of the lunacy the new House of Representatives will deliver to the American public.

On the first official day of the 118th Congress, two queens of crazy, Rep. Lauren Boebert and Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene, squared off in the ladies’ room outside of The Chambers. Boebert, who sided with cretin teen girl sex trafficker Matt Gaetz, opposed McCarthy in his Speakership bid. Greene was on “Team Kev” and was angry with those obstinate Representatives who fought 15 ballot votes to get McCarthy elected Speaker.

A transcript of their confrontation follows.

LB: Well, well, well, look who’s here––if it isn’t Kevin’s little Barbie-wannabe bitch.

MTG: Watch it, Boe-dirt. Don’t you go and be knocking my man.

LB: Man? Ha! McCarthy’s no man. Trump castrated that spineless suck-up long ago. The Donald displays Kevin’s manhood on his mantle in Mar-a-Lago. You might be able to see it with a microscope.

MTG: Watch what you’re saying about our new leader, bitch, or I’ll smack you so hard you’ll… you’ll be… you’ll be really, really sorry. I mean it! And your face will hurt too.

LB: Don’t make me laugh, blondie. Your slaps would feel like mosquito wings brushing against my skin.

MTG: I’m serious, Boe-dirt, you little Gaetz-skank. I’m sitting on the Kick-Ass Committee and am about to open a can of whoop-ass on you.

LB: Oh, yeah, tough stuff? Are you packing?

MTG: What?

LB: Are you strapping?

MTG: No. Kevin’s not into S&M. He says it hurts too much.

LB: Not that kind of strapping, idiot. Are you armed? Do you have a gun?

MTG: Of course not. We’re in The Capitol.

LB: Well, cupcake, I’m always packing. And trust me––you do NOT want me drawing down on you.

MTG: You’re not allowed to have guns in here. I’m going to tell Kevin you’re––

LB: You’re not telling that little turd anything, teacher’s pet. Now, get out of here before I unload on you.

MTG: But I have to pee.

LB: You do? Really? Look––what’s that yellow puddle you’re standing in?

MTG: Oh. I must have–

LB: Scram, blondie. Go running back to McCarthy. Maybe the next time you see me, you’ll have one of those Jewish lasers from outer space.

(THE BATHROOM DOOR OPENS, AND SEN. LINDSAY GRAHAM WALKS IN AND SPEAKS)

LG: Hello, ladies. Would one of you be an absolute angel and let me borrow a dab of rouge? I’m whiter than a MAGA rally.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The GOP received a late Christmas gift with news of classified documents discovered in the properties of President Joe Biden.

“This is the worst thing that has ever happened in American history,” a smug Rep. Jim Jordan tells The Lint Screen. Jordan, flexing his new power as Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, is licking his chops in gleeful anticipation of the news cycles this story will command.

“Biden is in our crosshairs,” Jordan crows. “What he did by hiding secret documents absolves anything Donald Trump ever did. Biden’s carelessness is much worse, so Trump deserves a fresh slate. We’ll lift his two impeachments and demand all lawsuits against Trump get dropped.”

Jordan says he is “deeply disturbed” by the extreme danger he may have put our country in by his “blatant assaults against normal protocol.”

The former Ohio State wrestling coach shakes his head. “Marjorie Taylor Greene told me Biden’s documents may have contained nuclear codes that Hunter stole and sold to the Chinese for a bag of opium and an iPod. We don’t know, but anything’s possible.”

Jordan grins. “To think the Democrats made such a big hairy deal out of some lost tourists accidentally traipsing into our Capitol on January 6, 2021––that was small potatoes compared to this obvious breach of the nation’s trust. Matt Gaetz thinks those secret documents could be Dr. Fauci’s formula for Covid 19. And George Santos says Biden just can’t be trusted. Americans must have faith in the integrity of their leaders.”

The Buckeye blowhard cackles. “I want every American to know we will get to the bottom of this. And until we put the Biden crime family in the stockades, we must absolve any minor misunderstandings Donald Trump may have had in his political life. After all, fair is fair.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Now that the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, after fifteen rounds of voting, has elected Rep. Kevin McCarthy as its “Speaker Bitch,” he prepares to make his first statement.

McCarthy stands to the microphone and smiles. He says, “We’re ready to get down to business.” Chairman of the Judiciary Committee, Rep. Jim Jordan, pushes him aside and starts yelling. 

“And we will hold investigations into Hunter Biden’s laptop,” he bellows. “Because that is the most pressing issue to Americans right now. We believe Hillary’s emails on Hunter’s laptop, along with the plans for Benghazi and recipes for serving tender young children as dinner entrees.”

Rep. Steve Scalise kicks McCarthy in the crotch and interrupts Jordan. “Speaking of children,” he butts in, “We just passed legislation outlawing the abortions of toddlers. Although it’s never happened, we want to stop it immediately. Republicans know women want old white men to make lots of abortion laws, so they don’t have to be responsible for their bodies.”

Rep. Matt Gaetz wants some attention, so he slugs McCarthy in the gut and begins shouting, “And we’re going to stop the federal government from interfering with citizens’ lives. Feds are making us pay taxes, arresting MAGA patriots for storming The Capitol, and beating cops because they don’t like election results. They also want to prosecute adult men for sex trafficking teenage girls. We can’t have the government restricting our freedoms!”

This outburst ignites crazy in the eyes of Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene. She elbows McCarthy in the head and steps forward. “And we must protect President Trump from prosecution for trying to overthrow the peaceful transfer of power. We want to make him emperor for life! He is The Chosen One sent here to save us from Jewish lasers in space and liberals grooming children.”

Newly-elected Rep. George Santos sees his opportunity, kicks McCarthy in the butt, and makes his first official statement.

“We’re going to make American life better,” Santos says. “And that’s the absolute truth. Trust me.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Run away and join the circus––click here for a helluva fun ride.

Poor, poor, Rep. Kevin McCarthy. The shameless Trump sycophant sold his soul long ago, but that wasn’t enough to make his Republican Congressional colleagues happy.

McCarthy always wanted to be Speaker of The House when he grew up, and now the pitiful bastard is promising to do whatever it takes to secure the necessary 218-votes for him to become the leader.

The sleazy schmuck Rep. Matt Gaetz told McCarthy he would get his vote if he promised to make a “special concession” for him.

“Kevin needs to change the age of consent laws,” Gaetz said. “Women are growing up so fast now. It doesn’t seem fair to deny the lovely ladies a chance to be with a sexy Florida Congressman. Especially when the girls can earn some extra allowance money.”

McCarthy agreed to Gaetz’s demand and will work on passing legislation to lower the age. 

But that isn’t enough to lure the votes of other Republican Representatives.

“I’m pretty handy,” McCarthy tells The Lint Screen, “and I promised to clean the toilets and gutters of any Republican representative who votes for me. Those are dirty jobs, but I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t mind getting his hands or tongue filthy. Ask President Trump. I’ll do whatever it takes to get the job done.”

McCarthy also must appease the GOP’s lunatic fringe caucus.

“The moment I become Speaker,” he brags, “we’ll begin looking into the Benghazi-Hunter Biden-Hillary’s-emails-children-eating stories. We’ve got to expose the hidden truth!”

Kevin McCarthy crosses his arms in a confident pose.

“I look forward to working on behalf of what’s really important to the American people,” he says. “And that includes getting to the bottom of the Bernie Sanders exotic dancing scandal. It’s an outrage!” 

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

George Santos is a misunderstood man. The New York congressman-elect is backtracking on many of the wild claims made during his campaign run. Falsehoods pepper his résumé, but he says they are “not intentional––they’re merely miscommunications.”

“I didn’t actually win the Nobel Peace Prize,” Santos tells The Lint Screen. “In third grade, I won a Noble Paste Prize for being a good student with Elmer’s Glue at St. Pat’s Elementary School. The nuns loved me. I guess my secretary mistakenly thought it was the other prize. Brenda was an awful secretary, and I’ve since fired her.”

Santos was raised Catholic and says his claim of being a Rabbi was another “oopsie-boner” his secretary made. 

“I’m not Jewish but I feel very Jew-ish,” he says. “I mean, I like bagels and all of Stephen Spielberg’s movies, and my stupid secretary must have thought I was a Rabbi. She said it was an honest mistake, and I apologize to anyone who thought the claim was intentional. Brenda was very bad at her job.”

The bespeckled Pinocchio also clarifies some of his previous claims made during the campaign. 

“I didn’t graduate from Harvard, but I do have one of their red sweatshirts,” he chuckles. “And I always feel smarter when I wear it!”

He shakes his head, sighing. “I confess I also wasn’t in The Beatles,” he says. “I love their music, and my idiot secretary must have thought I was in the band. Brenda was the worst. I should have fired her long ago.”

Santos says he looks forward to serving his constituents in Congress when he will be sworn in on January third. 

“I’ve told Kevin McCarthy I’ll back him a hundred percent to become Speaker of The House,” the nonstop liar says. 

The Lint Screen contacted McCarthy to comment on the Santos lying scandal.

“George Santos is the epitome of today’s Republican Party,” McCarthy said. “He is a person of impeccable character, like Marjorie Taylor Greene, with the wisdom to vote for the best man to become Speaker of The House.”

Makes sense.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.