Bull goose looney Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene has Trump kiss-ass Rep. Kevin McCarthy by the short hairs. He yearns to become Speaker of The House and needs her support, and she will use her newfound power to get her way.

The crazy lady talked with The Lint Screen about her plans when the GOP takes its slim majority in the House of Representatives on January 20th.

“We are going to get to the bottom of the most important story in the world,” she says. “Hunter Biden.” She shakes her head. “Hunter started the Ukrainian war against Russia, which is costing America a fortune. Hunter is also launching Jewish lasers into space and uses them to melt the polar caps, just so his daddy can blame global warming on fossil fuels. Everyone knows that’s poppycock. Fossil fuels are our friends. The oil and coal companies say so. Hunter Biden is a dangerous threat, and I will get him.”

She’ll also launch intensive investigations into the long-rumored reports of Democrats eating infants.

“It’s outrageous what liberals are doing to our children,” she declares. “They raid maternity wards and steal newborns, repurposing them as appetizers, hearty dinners, and late-night snacks. I’ve seen Democrat Infant Recipe books––it’s disgusting! They groom the children they don’t eat to become their sex slaves.  I don’t think this child abuse is right, and I plan to get to the bottom of it.”

She shakes her head.

“I’m very concerned about penguin mind control,” she says. “They are taking over human brains and forcing people to commit voter fraud. It’s horrible. Joe Biden would have never been elected if he hadn’t been in the pocket of big penguin. We can’t have penguins controlling our elections. If we do, they will force us into an economy based on small fish.”

“I’m also going to get to the bottom of the Justice Department’s mistreatment of the MAGA patriots on January 6th. Some of them were locked inside small rooms with bars on the windows. Is this how we treat heroes who were trying to save America? I don’t think so. And Merrick Garland and his goon squad will pay.”

The lunatic gets a faraway look in her eyes, then claims an angel has visited her.

“His name was Lou,” she claims. “And he had wings and everything, so I knew he was legit. 100% angel. Lou told me Donald Trump is God’s messenger, the chosen one to save us all, and we must do everything in our power to get him back in the White House, or God will smite us but good.”

Marjorie becomes animated. “Anyone who wants to get into Heaven had better do everything they can to get President Trump back in the Oval Office to make America great again. I’m so excited about addressing the important issues that face our country.”

She picks up her AR-15 and leaves.

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The Lint Screen has received an advance copy of Donald J. Trump’s presidential campaign announcement he will be delivering tonight at Mar-a-Lago, “where dignity goes to die.”

Here is his speech in its entirety.

“Good evening, my fellow Americans and MAGA Patriots. I have some exciting news to share with you tonight. Your favorite president is returning.

Joe Biden and the evil Democrats cheated me out of my election in 2020, but they won’t be able to cheat Americans out of my incredible leadership in 2024. I am a fantastic leader. Amazing. The best president ever, much better than Lincoln. Everyone says so.

But I am a humble man. I considered staying on the sidelines and seeing which of my many disciples might rise to the task. But then I got an important call. A call from a very important and powerful person in a place called Heaven. His name? God. The Big G.

He told me I must save my people––save them like Moses saved his people with his ark. God commanded I lead my MAGA Patriots through the desert that is the hellscape the Democrats have made our once glorious country. And I will answer His call. I will run to be your president again.

God is a pretty persuasive fellow, you know. (CHUCKLE HERE–STEPHEN MILLER SAYS THIS IS HUMOROUS.)

But some people say that Ron Sanctimonious is the great Republican hope. They see he is the one God sent to lead. But those people don’t know all the awful things DeSantis has done. Horrible things. The worst things you can possibly imagine. Things that would turn your stomach.

DeSantis is a nasty man. He is not so nice, and I can’t allow him to run.

While Democrats continue cheating honest Republicans out of election victories––it’s a disgrace what they did to true patriots like Kari Lake, Dr. Oz, Doug Mastriano, and many others––I will stop them. When I am back in power, I will rid this nation of anyone who doubts my word.

Remember, my word is God’s word. He says so.

I am running to save America again. I alone am The Chosen One who can fix America. I alone can save you.

So, rejoice, my people. I have risen to Make America Great Again.

You can get my MAGA 2024 hats at The Official Trump Store online. Don’t forget, when the rapture comes, only those wearing my merch will be going up.

Thank you, and may I bless America.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump dropped into The Lint Screen headquarters to bellyache about Election Day.

“It’s awful what’s happening,” he said. “In every race, a Democrat won, there have been incredible stories about cheating. The kind of cheating and dirty play like no one has ever seen before.”

Trump has never gotten over getting his fat ass getting kicked by Joe Biden, beating him by over eight million votes in the general election.

“Biden was a sneaky son of a bitch,” Trump says. “He had over 2,000 mules stuffing millions of mail-in ballots filled out for him. How he got mules to write and use their hoofs to stuff drop boxes is anybody’s guess, but he did. No wonder 100 million MAGA patriots stormed the Capitol on January sixth. And the election yesterday must have had over 10,000 mules. There should have been a red wave last night, and I’m sure there were thanks to me.”

The sore loser believes no Democrat legitimately won any election nationwide.

“It’s impossible,” he says with absolute certainty. “I don’t know one single person who doesn’t love me. Tucker Carlson says it. Ted Cruz brags about loving Trump. Jimbo Jordan wants to name the Party after me. And Ivanka tells me she loves me all the time––and she’s hot. Don. Jr. is crazy about me. And, hell, even an idiot like Eric says he loves me. With my incredible popularity, you tell me how in the hell John Fetterman can beat a great MAGA patriot like Dr. Oz–– Fetterman never even had a TV show! That election was rigged.”

Trump becomes incensed when he hears the name Ron DeSantis.

“I made DeSantis,” he says, his face turning beet red. “He was a nobody until I endorsed him. Now he’s saying he’s God’s gift to the world. Bullshit. The guy’s an egomaniac. Very sick. But I am The Chosen One. Everyone says so, even Jesus. He says God always liked me best. Personally, I think Jesus is very overrated.”

The bloated man shared his head. “And now some people think DeSantis could beat me and become the GOP candidate in 2024. It’ll never happen because I am the Party. I own the Party. The GOP used to be The Party of Lincoln; now it’s Trump’s Party. And I’ll cry if I want to. I am going to make America great again. It says so on all my caps. And when I return to The White House, no one will ever get me out of there. I own democracy.”

The pompous ass pouts. “It’s disgraceful what some not very nice people are doing to this country. And I alone can fix it.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Mehmet Oz, the Republican candidate for US Senate in Pennsylvania, recently claimed that he thought the state was on The Atlantic coastline. But rather than admit he doesn’t know dick about The Keystone State, he did what his master, disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Trump, would do. He doubled down on the falsehood.

“When I was a kid, I loved surfing the PA beaches,” Oz tells The Lint Screen. “It was cool, daddy-o, to ride those wet waves of water while I ate the famous Pittsburgh cheesesteak sandwich. I swear, Pretzelvania has some of the best surfing in America, dude!”

Oz, who has his primary home in New Jersey, says he has always loved living in the state he wants to represent in the Senate.

“Pretzelvania has a long and proud history,” he says. “This is where Ben Franklin invented the Franklin Mint. And chocolate mint ice cream too. And a long time ago in Philodendron, our forefathers came to sign their names on that old yellow document––it was some sort of declaration. Then they celebrated by cracking the Liquidity Bell.”

The huckster cocks his head, and places a finger in the air. He’s had another thought. “And let’s not forget,” Oz says, “Pencilvania is also the birthplace of pencils! That’s the kind of important American history we should teach our kids, and we will when I get elected!”

The New Jersey quack busted for selling snake oil medicine also says he is an avid fan of the state’s sports teams.

“The Pittsburgh Pirates are an incredible football team,” he crows, giving two thumbs up. “They’re named the Pirates because Pittsburgh is on The Atlantic Ocean, and lots of the citizens have eyepatches and parrots on their shoulders. And, of course, I also love the Philadelphia Beagles. I’ve been crazy about beagles since I was a kid and fell head over heels for Snoopy! He was so funny I didn’t have to torture or kill the cartoon dog testing my bogus products.”

Oz is projecting the image of an ordinary man in his campaign against John Fetterman.

“There is nothing I like better than watching a sporting competition,” he says. “I like to unwind with some savory crudités and an ice-cold Rolling City Iron Rock Beer.” He laughs. “That’s my idea of heaven, let me tell you, by golly, gumbo, boy howdy, y’all. I’m just a regular fellow!”

The huckster gives a wide smile. “No one knows the state of Pretzelvania better than me. Surf’s up. Let’s grab a board and hit the waves!”

Oz is doing the Republican Party proud.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Republicans are licking their chops in anticipation of a red wave washing over America and sweeping them into control of the House of Representatives and the Senate.

“Once we have control of Congress,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell tells The Lint Screen, “we can make life better for all Americans.”

The floppy-throated man explains that they will enact legislation doing away with democracy in favor of something he calls Repubocracy.

“We will take the worry out of government,” McConnell says. “People won’t need to waste valuable time deciding which candidate is best because our people will be in office for life. And we’ll decide the best ways to live. This is government the way Lincoln intended.”

Sen. John Thune chimes in. “We will tell women what to do with their bodies,” he says, smiling. “And we’ll decide how they should dress, think, and what to say. And frankly, I don’t see any need for educating females. The girls must focus on domestic duties––cooking, cleaning and delivering babies. That’s what the Good Lord would want them to do.”

Sen. Chuck Grassley gets excited. “And we’ll have our pick of the litter,” he says. “We’ll inspect all the young women, and if they are good-looking enough or we see they have other useful gifts, we may put them in our companion rotation. It is important we Senators are happy.”

Sen. Ron Johnson nods his head in agreement. “Under Repubocracy, we’ll also do away with so much press,” he says. “There is too darn much information out there. We’ll decide what is true and worth knowing. We will have Truth Czars like Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity, men who know what’s what.”

Sen. Rick Scott makes a fist with his tiny right hand. “And anyone who doubts the truth will be thrown into prison to rot,” he says, red-faced. “We will not tolerate opposing opinions. The truth is sacred, and only we know it because we follow The Chosen One, Donald J. Trump.”

The men bow their heads in solemn acknowledgment of his glory.

Sen Lindsey Graham gets misty-eyed. “I love him so much. Praise be, for he has brought us to salvation and given us Don Jr. and Eric from his sacred loins. Such handsome boys.” The southern gentleman gets animated. “Anyone who doubts Trump is God must be executed. We cannot tolerate doubters!”

“Hear, hear,” his GOP compatriots agreed.

“We’re also going to tighten up on voter fraud,” crows Sen. Ted Cruz. “There are way too many people who don’t look like us who are voting. These so-called ‘people of color.’ We cannot allow these ‘others’ to participate in our government. But we are not prejudiced. We’re going to do away with The Supreme Court––nine is way too many people–and make Clarence Thomas, a black man, the Justice Czar. He will determine what is right and what is wrong. We won’t need courts of law!”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Green joins the festivities. “And we are going to decide what to teach children in school,” she says, stripping an AR-15, then re-assembling it. “They’ll learn the Bible and read ‘The Art of The Deal’– but we will give them our version of history. We are a white Christian nation, and January 6 was a glorious day for true patriots. We’re going to teach the young buns right,” she says, slapping a fresh clip into her weapon. “And God help anyone who tries to stop us.”

McConnell smiles. “I think it’s plain to see Repubocracy is going to make life in America a lot better,” he says. Then he cackles like an evil old bastard.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Eric Trump, The Trump Organization’s executive vice president of shady operations and price gouging, can’t seem to get his story straight.

In 2019, Eric claimed the government saved money when his father, disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump, stayed at one of their properties.

“We give the Secret Service a super sweet deal,” he said straight-faced. “We charge them, like, $50. If they stayed at a hotel across the street, they’d be charged $500. Trump is saving the taxpayers a fortune because my pops is such a generous guy.”

In 2020, Eric claimed the rooms were provided at “cost” or severely discounted rates. “We’re saving taxpayers a bundle,” he said. “You can always count on Trump for such a good deal. We’re all about saving America.”

But recently, The Lint Screen learned the Trump International Hotel in D.C. had been charging Secret Service Agents up to $1,185 a night to stay there––over four times the  approved government rate.

“If that’s true,” Eric said recently, “then I’m sure we gave them lots of perks like mints on the pillows, electromagnets to erase emails and messages, and fluffy towels and small bars of good-smelling soap.”

Trump visited his properties over 500 times during his corrupt reign, and the Secret Service came along for the ride to the tune of $1.4 million charged to taxpayers, not counting the security details of his no-good offspring when they stayed at Trump Properties.

“We’ve had record years of revenue when pops was President,” Eric says, smiling. “And what’s good for Trump is always good for America because my dad works hard to make America great again.”

Eric realizes he said the quiet part out loud. “At least we didn’t have the January sixth war room on a Trump Property. That was at the Willard Hotel. Why don’t you nosy reporters go badger them?”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.