Mehmet Oz, the Republican candidate for US Senate in Pennsylvania, recently claimed that he thought the state was on The Atlantic coastline. But rather than admit he doesn’t know dick about The Keystone State, he did what his master, disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Trump, would do. He doubled down on the falsehood.

“When I was a kid, I loved surfing the PA beaches,” Oz tells The Lint Screen. “It was cool, daddy-o, to ride those wet waves of water while I ate the famous Pittsburgh cheesesteak sandwich. I swear, Pretzelvania has some of the best surfing in America, dude!”

Oz, who has his primary home in New Jersey, says he has always loved living in the state he wants to represent in the Senate.

“Pretzelvania has a long and proud history,” he says. “This is where Ben Franklin invented the Franklin Mint. And chocolate mint ice cream too. And a long time ago in Philodendron, our forefathers came to sign their names on that old yellow document––it was some sort of declaration. Then they celebrated by cracking the Liquidity Bell.”

The huckster cocks his head, and places a finger in the air. He’s had another thought. “And let’s not forget,” Oz says, “Pencilvania is also the birthplace of pencils! That’s the kind of important American history we should teach our kids, and we will when I get elected!”

The New Jersey quack busted for selling snake oil medicine also says he is an avid fan of the state’s sports teams.

“The Pittsburgh Pirates are an incredible football team,” he crows, giving two thumbs up. “They’re named the Pirates because Pittsburgh is on The Atlantic Ocean, and lots of the citizens have eyepatches and parrots on their shoulders. And, of course, I also love the Philadelphia Beagles. I’ve been crazy about beagles since I was a kid and fell head over heels for Snoopy! He was so funny I didn’t have to torture or kill the cartoon dog testing my bogus products.”

Oz is projecting the image of an ordinary man in his campaign against John Fetterman.

“There is nothing I like better than watching a sporting competition,” he says. “I like to unwind with some savory crudités and an ice-cold Rolling City Iron Rock Beer.” He laughs. “That’s my idea of heaven, let me tell you, by golly, gumbo, boy howdy, y’all. I’m just a regular fellow!”

The huckster gives a wide smile. “No one knows the state of Pretzelvania better than me. Surf’s up. Let’s grab a board and hit the waves!”

Oz is doing the Republican Party proud.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Republicans are licking their chops in anticipation of a red wave washing over America and sweeping them into control of the House of Representatives and the Senate.

“Once we have control of Congress,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell tells The Lint Screen, “we can make life better for all Americans.”

The floppy-throated man explains that they will enact legislation doing away with democracy in favor of something he calls Repubocracy.

“We will take the worry out of government,” McConnell says. “People won’t need to waste valuable time deciding which candidate is best because our people will be in office for life. And we’ll decide the best ways to live. This is government the way Lincoln intended.”

Sen. John Thune chimes in. “We will tell women what to do with their bodies,” he says, smiling. “And we’ll decide how they should dress, think, and what to say. And frankly, I don’t see any need for educating females. The girls must focus on domestic duties––cooking, cleaning and delivering babies. That’s what the Good Lord would want them to do.”

Sen. Chuck Grassley gets excited. “And we’ll have our pick of the litter,” he says. “We’ll inspect all the young women, and if they are good-looking enough or we see they have other useful gifts, we may put them in our companion rotation. It is important we Senators are happy.”

Sen. Ron Johnson nods his head in agreement. “Under Repubocracy, we’ll also do away with so much press,” he says. “There is too darn much information out there. We’ll decide what is true and worth knowing. We will have Truth Czars like Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity, men who know what’s what.”

Sen. Rick Scott makes a fist with his tiny right hand. “And anyone who doubts the truth will be thrown into prison to rot,” he says, red-faced. “We will not tolerate opposing opinions. The truth is sacred, and only we know it because we follow The Chosen One, Donald J. Trump.”

The men bow their heads in solemn acknowledgment of his glory.

Sen Lindsey Graham gets misty-eyed. “I love him so much. Praise be, for he has brought us to salvation and given us Don Jr. and Eric from his sacred loins. Such handsome boys.” The southern gentleman gets animated. “Anyone who doubts Trump is God must be executed. We cannot tolerate doubters!”

“Hear, hear,” his GOP compatriots agreed.

“We’re also going to tighten up on voter fraud,” crows Sen. Ted Cruz. “There are way too many people who don’t look like us who are voting. These so-called ‘people of color.’ We cannot allow these ‘others’ to participate in our government. But we are not prejudiced. We’re going to do away with The Supreme Court––nine is way too many people–and make Clarence Thomas, a black man, the Justice Czar. He will determine what is right and what is wrong. We won’t need courts of law!”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Green joins the festivities. “And we are going to decide what to teach children in school,” she says, stripping an AR-15, then re-assembling it. “They’ll learn the Bible and read ‘The Art of The Deal’– but we will give them our version of history. We are a white Christian nation, and January 6 was a glorious day for true patriots. We’re going to teach the young buns right,” she says, slapping a fresh clip into her weapon. “And God help anyone who tries to stop us.”

McConnell smiles. “I think it’s plain to see Repubocracy is going to make life in America a lot better,” he says. Then he cackles like an evil old bastard.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Eric Trump, The Trump Organization’s executive vice president of shady operations and price gouging, can’t seem to get his story straight.

In 2019, Eric claimed the government saved money when his father, disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump, stayed at one of their properties.

“We give the Secret Service a super sweet deal,” he said straight-faced. “We charge them, like, $50. If they stayed at a hotel across the street, they’d be charged $500. Trump is saving the taxpayers a fortune because my pops is such a generous guy.”

In 2020, Eric claimed the rooms were provided at “cost” or severely discounted rates. “We’re saving taxpayers a bundle,” he said. “You can always count on Trump for such a good deal. We’re all about saving America.”

But recently, The Lint Screen learned the Trump International Hotel in D.C. had been charging Secret Service Agents up to $1,185 a night to stay there––over four times the  approved government rate.

“If that’s true,” Eric said recently, “then I’m sure we gave them lots of perks like mints on the pillows, electromagnets to erase emails and messages, and fluffy towels and small bars of good-smelling soap.”

Trump visited his properties over 500 times during his corrupt reign, and the Secret Service came along for the ride to the tune of $1.4 million charged to taxpayers, not counting the security details of his no-good offspring when they stayed at Trump Properties.

“We’ve had record years of revenue when pops was President,” Eric says, smiling. “And what’s good for Trump is always good for America because my dad works hard to make America great again.”

Eric realizes he said the quiet part out loud. “At least we didn’t have the January sixth war room on a Trump Property. That was at the Willard Hotel. Why don’t you nosy reporters go badger them?”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Sen. Rick Scott of Florida, the chair of the National Republican Senatorial Committee and walking human penis, is coming to Georgia and offering his support and endorsement of mega-MAGA-daddy Hershel Walker, running for the Senate.

Walker, who at the latest count has four children he conveniently “forgot” he had, recently denied he paid one of his baby mamas for an abortion.

“I don’t know that woman,” he said. A few days later, when the woman texted his wife, Hershel said, “Oh, THAT woman. Okay, I think I know her. But I still never paid for an abortion.”

It recently was revealed the same woman says Hershel wanted her to get a second abortion. She had his child instead, who he ignored. Walker denies this, and Sen. Scott believes him.

“Women are making vicious attacks on a good Christian man,” Scott tells The Lint Screen. “He’s much more Christian than Rev. Raphael Warnock. Like me, Hershel believes Donald Trump is The Chosen One and is 100% anti-abortion. And he is as honest as the day is long. Like President Donald Trump, they are both respected me known for their honesty, integrity, and impeccable character. The rest of the world is out to get them––especially the godless evil Democrats who eat babies and groom children.”

Scott believes the Walker story is “yet another Democrat witch hunt,” which is entirely false. 

“The liberals run ads saying Hershel held a gun to his wife’s head,” Scott says. “I don’t buy it.” When it was explained the incident was in a book Walker wrote, Scott shrugs. “Maybe it was fiction. Who knows? The past is past. Let’s talk about the future.”

Scott believes Walker will make an excellent senator, and he’ll do whatever it takes to see him win the seat.

“Hershel will fit right in with us,” Scott says. “We have pillars of morality like Sen. Ted Cruz, Sen. Ron Johnson, Sen. Lindsey Graham, Sen. Josh Hawley, Sen. Mitch McConnell, Sen. Chuck Grassley, Sen. John Thune, and many more. These are men of courage, character, integrity, and honesty.” Scott becomes more animated and raises his pip-squeak’s voice.

“We will not rest until we put women in their place and tell people how to live a good white Christian life because we believe in freedom! The crazy atheist liberals are trying to ruin America. Today’s Republican Party stands strong against hypocrites. We must eliminate those who disagree with us.”

Scott furrows his brow, scrunching his weasel face.

“I’ll tell you the real shame about Hershel’s many, many kids,” he says. “None of them send their dear old dad a Father’s Day card or gift. The pack of miserable ingrate bastards. Why doesn’t the media talk about that?!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

GOP Georgia Senate Candidate Hershel Walker is outraged by the media kerfuffle concerning his paying for a girlfriend’s abortion in 2009.

“No one is talking about my generosity,” the ex-football star says. “Lots of guys knock up a lady and take a walk. Not Hershel Walker. I pay for my abortions.”

Walker sees no hypocrisy in his anti-abortion stance today versus his pro-abortion position regarding his babies.

“Look, I’ve got four kids by four different women,” he tells The Lint Screen. “I’m a gardener who likes to plan his seed, okay? I can only have so many children to abuse and ignore. Hell, I’m just one man with many personalities.”

When the story of Walker footing the bill for his girlfriend’s abortion broke, Hershel denied it.

“I thought they were talking about some other girlfriend,” he explains. “But when my ex showed the canceled check and my signed get-well card, it all made sense. But the media ignored that I paid for the abortion and even sent a get-well card. Where’s the story about my incredible generosity?”

Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump supports Walker in his fight. 

“It’s very unfair what the lamestream media is doing to poor Hershel,” Trump says. “When you’re a celebrity, you can do whatever you want with a woman. Grab them by their––you know––special parts. But the Democrats hate God and want to make a federal case out of everything. They eat babies, you know. And kill cute little puppies. A lot of people are saying that.”

The purity and morality of the GOP march on! 

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Texas Sen. Ted Cruz is a Clydesdale-size horse’s ass, and he does not support the new bill designed to avoid coup attempts like the one on January 6, 2021, by disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump.

The bipartisan Electoral Count Act, which even has the support of curmudgeon Sen. Mitch McConnell, is designed to reinforce the certification of the Electoral College vote in presidential elections.

“This law is federalizing the vote,” Cruz, Trump’s bidet, whined to The Lint Screen. “The states should select their own representatives. That way, we can make sure Republicans always win. In the 2020 election, we had all sorts of voter fraud. Major cities like Philadelphia, Detroit, Atlanta, and many more allegedly voted for Biden. Yet we know for a fact that Biden cheated because they counted all the black votes. That’s voter fraud. Everyone knows the blacks love Trump. So Trump won in a landslide, he said so himself. Case closed.”

Even though Trump and his lunatic legal team filed over 60 cases of alleged voter fraud, all of the cases got tossed out of court.

“The judges were afraid and didn’t try the cases,” Cruz claims. “They feared the Black Lives Matter people. Trump would be in office right now if there were any justice. No wonder he took all those secret documents to Mar-a-Lago, he couldn’t have Joe Biden and the evil Democrats determined to destroy America reading confidential materials!“

Cruz shakes his bearded pumpkin head.

“We had many loyal patriots try to keep Trump in office, and the bad Capitol cops treated them like criminals. January 6 was a dark day for our democracy.“

Cruz can’t understand why Republicans would support the Electoral Count Act. The pitiful excuse for a human gets choked up and continues. 

“If this bill passes, we could see more Democrats win elections,” he declares. “And that’s not right. The Good Lord sent America Donald Trump to save us from the baby-eating Democrats. I fear what will happen if we allow them to continue with their voter fraud.”

The Texan adjusts his necktie. “And for the record,” he says. “I am not prejudiced. I watched The Cosby Show, and I liked Michael Jackson––when he was black.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.