Sen. Rick Scott of Florida, the chair of the National Republican Senatorial Committee and walking human penis, is coming to Georgia and offering his support and endorsement of mega-MAGA-daddy Hershel Walker, running for the Senate.

Walker, who at the latest count has four children he conveniently “forgot” he had, recently denied he paid one of his baby mamas for an abortion.

“I don’t know that woman,” he said. A few days later, when the woman texted his wife, Hershel said, “Oh, THAT woman. Okay, I think I know her. But I still never paid for an abortion.”

It recently was revealed the same woman says Hershel wanted her to get a second abortion. She had his child instead, who he ignored. Walker denies this, and Sen. Scott believes him.

“Women are making vicious attacks on a good Christian man,” Scott tells The Lint Screen. “He’s much more Christian than Rev. Raphael Warnock. Like me, Hershel believes Donald Trump is The Chosen One and is 100% anti-abortion. And he is as honest as the day is long. Like President Donald Trump, they are both respected me known for their honesty, integrity, and impeccable character. The rest of the world is out to get them––especially the godless evil Democrats who eat babies and groom children.”

Scott believes the Walker story is “yet another Democrat witch hunt,” which is entirely false. 

“The liberals run ads saying Hershel held a gun to his wife’s head,” Scott says. “I don’t buy it.” When it was explained the incident was in a book Walker wrote, Scott shrugs. “Maybe it was fiction. Who knows? The past is past. Let’s talk about the future.”

Scott believes Walker will make an excellent senator, and he’ll do whatever it takes to see him win the seat.

“Hershel will fit right in with us,” Scott says. “We have pillars of morality like Sen. Ted Cruz, Sen. Ron Johnson, Sen. Lindsey Graham, Sen. Josh Hawley, Sen. Mitch McConnell, Sen. Chuck Grassley, Sen. John Thune, and many more. These are men of courage, character, integrity, and honesty.” Scott becomes more animated and raises his pip-squeak’s voice.

“We will not rest until we put women in their place and tell people how to live a good white Christian life because we believe in freedom! The crazy atheist liberals are trying to ruin America. Today’s Republican Party stands strong against hypocrites. We must eliminate those who disagree with us.”

Scott furrows his brow, scrunching his weasel face.

“I’ll tell you the real shame about Hershel’s many, many kids,” he says. “None of them send their dear old dad a Father’s Day card or gift. The pack of miserable ingrate bastards. Why doesn’t the media talk about that?!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

GOP Georgia Senate Candidate Hershel Walker is outraged by the media kerfuffle concerning his paying for a girlfriend’s abortion in 2009.

“No one is talking about my generosity,” the ex-football star says. “Lots of guys knock up a lady and take a walk. Not Hershel Walker. I pay for my abortions.”

Walker sees no hypocrisy in his anti-abortion stance today versus his pro-abortion position regarding his babies.

“Look, I’ve got four kids by four different women,” he tells The Lint Screen. “I’m a gardener who likes to plan his seed, okay? I can only have so many children to abuse and ignore. Hell, I’m just one man with many personalities.”

When the story of Walker footing the bill for his girlfriend’s abortion broke, Hershel denied it.

“I thought they were talking about some other girlfriend,” he explains. “But when my ex showed the canceled check and my signed get-well card, it all made sense. But the media ignored that I paid for the abortion and even sent a get-well card. Where’s the story about my incredible generosity?”

Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump supports Walker in his fight. 

“It’s very unfair what the lamestream media is doing to poor Hershel,” Trump says. “When you’re a celebrity, you can do whatever you want with a woman. Grab them by their––you know––special parts. But the Democrats hate God and want to make a federal case out of everything. They eat babies, you know. And kill cute little puppies. A lot of people are saying that.”

The purity and morality of the GOP march on! 

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Texas Sen. Ted Cruz is a Clydesdale-size horse’s ass, and he does not support the new bill designed to avoid coup attempts like the one on January 6, 2021, by disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump.

The bipartisan Electoral Count Act, which even has the support of curmudgeon Sen. Mitch McConnell, is designed to reinforce the certification of the Electoral College vote in presidential elections.

“This law is federalizing the vote,” Cruz, Trump’s bidet, whined to The Lint Screen. “The states should select their own representatives. That way, we can make sure Republicans always win. In the 2020 election, we had all sorts of voter fraud. Major cities like Philadelphia, Detroit, Atlanta, and many more allegedly voted for Biden. Yet we know for a fact that Biden cheated because they counted all the black votes. That’s voter fraud. Everyone knows the blacks love Trump. So Trump won in a landslide, he said so himself. Case closed.”

Even though Trump and his lunatic legal team filed over 60 cases of alleged voter fraud, all of the cases got tossed out of court.

“The judges were afraid and didn’t try the cases,” Cruz claims. “They feared the Black Lives Matter people. Trump would be in office right now if there were any justice. No wonder he took all those secret documents to Mar-a-Lago, he couldn’t have Joe Biden and the evil Democrats determined to destroy America reading confidential materials!“

Cruz shakes his bearded pumpkin head.

“We had many loyal patriots try to keep Trump in office, and the bad Capitol cops treated them like criminals. January 6 was a dark day for our democracy.“

Cruz can’t understand why Republicans would support the Electoral Count Act. The pitiful excuse for a human gets choked up and continues. 

“If this bill passes, we could see more Democrats win elections,” he declares. “And that’s not right. The Good Lord sent America Donald Trump to save us from the baby-eating Democrats. I fear what will happen if we allow them to continue with their voter fraud.”

The Texan adjusts his necktie. “And for the record,” he says. “I am not prejudiced. I watched The Cosby Show, and I liked Michael Jackson––when he was black.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump is feeling the pressure as lawsuits pile up and investigations into his shady past deepen, but despite all that, he still has his admirers.

At a J.D. Vance election rally in Ohio, Trump addressed a crowd of diehard MAGAnauts and kooky QAnon conspiracy theorists.

“You are my people,” Trump told them. “And I going to take such good care of you. Care like you wouldn’t believe. Care like you’ve never seen before.”

The Florida man asked if anyone in the crowd was hungry. A huge roar came back.

“You won’t be hungry much longer,” Trump said, taking the microphone into his tiny orange hand. “Soon, I will take one slice of Wonder bread and a sardine, but I will distribute loaves and fishes to my people. It won’t be slices of bread, but full loaves of fresh baked bread, not that Wonder crap. And the fish will be Dover sole in a lemon butter sauce. It’s going to be such a miracle––a miracle like no one’s ever seen before.”

The crowd cheered, which seemed to fuel Trump’s passion.

“But that’s not all,” he said. “I’m going to get some water and turn it into wine. And not cheap wine. The good stuff. The very best wine. You’ve never had wine like this. I’m not a drinker, but I may have to have some myself.”

The crowd laughed.

“But seriously,” he continued, “I will prove once and for all that I am The Chosen One, and I will take care of my faithful. The faithful that I love so much. But first, you have to prove yourself worthy. Are you worthy? Do you love me?“

The crowd cheers and applauds madly.

“Then I need you to help me fight the evil baby-eating pedophile Democrats,” he said. “I need you to donate whatever you can to The Trump Defense Fund. We have to stop the witch hunts against me. And together we can win. Take the money you have budgeted for food and shelter and donate it to me. Soon, I will feed all of you and bring you all to my beautiful Mar-a-Lago home where you can live…”

Huge cheers.

“…at a discounted rate. Such a good rate, you’re not going to believe it.” He stops and points at his people. “Can I count on you?”

The crowd applauds and cheers, and Trump smiles.

“My people are coming through the crowd to get your credit card information, money, jewelry, watches. Be generous. The more you give, the more you get. Loaves, fishes, wine, Mar-a-Lago. Did I mention tartar sauce? Such good tart sauce!”

The Lint Screen reporter left the rally and went to Long John Silver’s.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Leave it to Lindsey!

The self-righteous bachelor recently proposed a national law banning abortions 15 weeks after conception. “If loose ladies can’t control their lust-filled, wonton bodies, then the government will do the job for them,” South Carolina Sen. Graham told The Lint Screen.

Graham believes all abortions are 100% preventable.

“The answer to the sticky wicket of abortion is easy,” the smug weasel of a man said. “We need to limit the icky, disgusting acts that cause pregnancies. I’m talking about copulation between a man and a woman.” Graham begins dry heaving and places his head over a wastebasket.

“I’m better now,” he says, dabbing the corners of his mouth with his monogrammed silk handkerchief. “If people insist on performing this repulsive act, they must apply for a government license. The U.S. can get some significant revenue off of nude shenanigans. The critical thing is the government must control all sexual activities to control pregnancies and abortions.”

Graham believes young men who have difficulty controlling their hormonal urges require special counseling.

“I am happy to help young, strapping men,” the senator says, licking his lips. “Sometimes it takes a wise older man like myself to teach young bucks the ropes, applying hot oil to their ripped bodies. And if they are very naughty––bad, bad, nasty boys––I may have to use ropes to restrain them and apply strict discipline techniques I’ve developed over the years.”

Graham puffs his chest like a banty rooster that is cock of the walk. “I think my approach to the abortion issue is the only one that makes sense. It’s the only way to ensure freedom for our citizens.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.