Leave it to Lindsey!

The self-righteous bachelor recently proposed a national law banning abortions 15 weeks after conception. “If loose ladies can’t control their lust-filled, wonton bodies, then the government will do the job for them,” South Carolina Sen. Graham told The Lint Screen.

Graham believes all abortions are 100% preventable.

“The answer to the sticky wicket of abortion is easy,” the smug weasel of a man said. “We need to limit the icky, disgusting acts that cause pregnancies. I’m talking about copulation between a man and a woman.” Graham begins dry heaving and places his head over a wastebasket.

“I’m better now,” he says, dabbing the corners of his mouth with his monogrammed silk handkerchief. “If people insist on performing this repulsive act, they must apply for a government license. The U.S. can get some significant revenue off of nude shenanigans. The critical thing is the government must control all sexual activities to control pregnancies and abortions.”

Graham believes young men who have difficulty controlling their hormonal urges require special counseling.

“I am happy to help young, strapping men,” the senator says, licking his lips. “Sometimes it takes a wise older man like myself to teach young bucks the ropes, applying hot oil to their ripped bodies. And if they are very naughty––bad, bad, nasty boys––I may have to use ropes to restrain them and apply strict discipline techniques I’ve developed over the years.”

Graham puffs his chest like a banty rooster that is cock of the walk. “I think my approach to the abortion issue is the only one that makes sense. It’s the only way to ensure freedom for our citizens.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.