Boy, howdy, if you want an abortion, you better not be in Texas.

The Texas state senate passed the restrictive Senate Bill 8, and Gov. Greg Abbott signed it into law. The U.S. Supreme Court recently declined to review its Constitutionality, meaning there are effectively no abortions in Texas six weeks after conception.

“A man’s seed is sacred,” says Texas State Senator Ray Wills of Laredo. “It doesn’t matter if the fetus was the result of incest or rape; we’ve got to protect a man’s property harbored inside a woman. Rapists got rights, too, you know. If we allow women to kill their babies willy nilly, who is going to inherit the world? SB 8 protects a man’s property.”

Wills explains the punitive action any Texas citizen can take against a woman seeking an abortion after six weeks.

“Anyone involved with helping a woman get an abortion will be in deep doo-doo,” Wills tells The Lint Screen. “It doesn’t matter if it’s a family member, abortion counselor, medical professional, whoever–– if you help some lady get rid of her fetus, you’ll get sued for at least $10,000 plus the legal fees. This law makes every Texan a bounty hunter, so we can spy on women and see what sort of sneaky shenanigans they’re up to.”

The Texan pauses and strikes a contemplative pose.

“Listen, I fully support the rights of women,” he claims. “That’s why I supported our troops in Afghanistan. They were trying to stop the abuse of women at the hands of the Taliban, a pack of religious fanatics. And as a devout evangelical Christian, I believe we must protect our Texan women from making the wrong choice for their bodies.”

He pauses. “This law’s a big deal,” the blowhard senator says. “We must protect the rights of babies, and we cannot have their incubators–– women–– threatening their lives. Babies need to be delivered, whether they’re wanted or not, and the women must become their mommies. Then, both need to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and make their way in life without government assistance. Handouts make people weak, and we don’t want that. We got to save our tax money for essential things like oil subsidies.”

The Texan politician believes the new abortion law is a win-win for everyone.

“SB 8 protects fetuses,” he says with a smile. “And it protects the men who made them. I think all the little ladies will be happy us menfolk made this law to prevent them from making a mistake they will regret for a lifetime. We don’t want them worrying their pretty little heads on matters like what freedoms they got. We’ll decide that.“

The Texan smiles and does the Cotton-Eyed Joe.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.