Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump is feeling the pressure as lawsuits pile up and investigations into his shady past deepen, but despite all that, he still has his admirers.

At a J.D. Vance election rally in Ohio, Trump addressed a crowd of diehard MAGAnauts and kooky QAnon conspiracy theorists.

“You are my people,” Trump told them. “And I going to take such good care of you. Care like you wouldn’t believe. Care like you’ve never seen before.”

The Florida man asked if anyone in the crowd was hungry. A huge roar came back.

“You won’t be hungry much longer,” Trump said, taking the microphone into his tiny orange hand. “Soon, I will take one slice of Wonder bread and a sardine, but I will distribute loaves and fishes to my people. It won’t be slices of bread, but full loaves of fresh baked bread, not that Wonder crap. And the fish will be Dover sole in a lemon butter sauce. It’s going to be such a miracle––a miracle like no one’s ever seen before.”

The crowd cheered, which seemed to fuel Trump’s passion.

“But that’s not all,” he said. “I’m going to get some water and turn it into wine. And not cheap wine. The good stuff. The very best wine. You’ve never had wine like this. I’m not a drinker, but I may have to have some myself.”

The crowd laughed.

“But seriously,” he continued, “I will prove once and for all that I am The Chosen One, and I will take care of my faithful. The faithful that I love so much. But first, you have to prove yourself worthy. Are you worthy? Do you love me?“

The crowd cheers and applauds madly.

“Then I need you to help me fight the evil baby-eating pedophile Democrats,” he said. “I need you to donate whatever you can to The Trump Defense Fund. We have to stop the witch hunts against me. And together we can win. Take the money you have budgeted for food and shelter and donate it to me. Soon, I will feed all of you and bring you all to my beautiful Mar-a-Lago home where you can live…”

Huge cheers.

“…at a discounted rate. Such a good rate, you’re not going to believe it.” He stops and points at his people. “Can I count on you?”

The crowd applauds and cheers, and Trump smiles.

“My people are coming through the crowd to get your credit card information, money, jewelry, watches. Be generous. The more you give, the more you get. Loaves, fishes, wine, Mar-a-Lago. Did I mention tartar sauce? Such good tart sauce!”

The Lint Screen reporter left the rally and went to Long John Silver’s.

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