Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump has a pack of craven weasels happy to defend and make excuses for his outrageous illegal behavior of taking top secret documents with him to Mar-a-Lago.

On August 8, the FBI served a search warrant and confiscated 11 sets of classified documents from Trump’s pleasure palace.

“This was the most outrageous FBI act ever,” bootlicking Sen. Chuck Grassley told The Lint Screen. “Worse than J. Edgar Hoover in a dress, fake pearls, and heels. So, what if Trump took a few files? Big deal. The Justice Department acts like he broke some law. What kind of stupid law says you can’t take top secret government documents home? And everyone knows if anyone can keep a secret, it’s Donald Trump!” 

Kookie nutjob Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene has another explanation.

“President Trump took the files for conversation starters,” she claims. “Trump still talks all the time with President Putin, and Kim Jung-un, and Mohammed bin Salman. You can only chew the fat about the weather for so long. Trump took the secret documents so he could relate to other world leaders. He was keeping up his excellent relationships overseas.”

Sleazebag, disbarred lawyer Rudy Gillani says he believes Trump was protecting the documents.

“Trump knew he couldn’t trust the government with secret documents,” Rudy says, mopping a stream of dark hair dye-colored sweat streaming down his face. “The Feds say the top-secret material belongs with the National Archives, which is crazy. Trump had the documents stored in rooms that often had the doors closed. Hell, I think the rooms were sometimes even locked to keep intruders out. But there are never any shady characters at Mar-a-Lago. It’s exclusively rich, racist white people. The cream of society. Those secrets were as safe as a newborn baby in an airtight safe.”

Spineless House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy believes Trump was saving America from Joe Biden.

“President Trump couldn’t allow Biden to harbor our national secrets,” McCarthy claims. “Biden cheated Trump out of the election, proving he can’t be trusted. Trump was protecting Americans from Biden, who wants to groom our innocent children, sacrifice good Christians, and kill any patriot who owns a gun. He has radicalized the IRS and FBI to attack ordinary citizens–– we need a strong leader like President Trump to save us from his wrath.”

Donald Trump, Jr., the turd who didn’t fall from the asshole, is also livid about the FBI’s overreach of power.

“The deep state is out to get Pops,” he declares. “They don’t like God, so they are coming after The Chosen One. We must save America from the evil Democrats. We need people to send money immediately to The Donald Trump Defense Fund. And for convenience, you can sign over all your assets to our sacred cause. We need everyone’s help now in battling Satan by supporting my Pops! He’s the bestest!!!”

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