If Perry Mason, Matlock, Jack McCoy, and Ally McBeal had a baby, that child would still look like a legal moron compared to Rudi Giuliani.
Donald J. Trump’s personal attorney visited The Lint Screen offices and laid out his bulletproof defense strategy against “the looney libs hellbent on destroying America with their unfounded witch hunt against our greatest patriot” by bringing impeachment charges against the president.
“President Trump is one-hundred percent innocent,” Rudy said. “He told me so himself. He did nothing wrong. The president was trying to curb corruption in Ukraine–– he hates corruption, anything outside the laws of decency. And Joe Biden and his son were doing awful things in Ukraine. Many people say they were ripping pacemakers out of chests, stealing lunch money from blind orphans, punching old ladies in the gut and stepping on their bifocals–– horrible acts. So, what’s our president supposed to do? Give them a pass? Let them ruin innocent lives? No! He stands for playing fair. Donald Trump is a good citizen. An upright guy. Where’s the crime in that?”
Giuliani was asked about Trump’s conversation with Ukraine President Viktor Yanukovych, in which he spoke of all the U.S. had done for his country, and how he’d like to continue helping, but first, he wanted him to do “a favor.”
“That favor could have meant anything. The Democrats are saying the favor was getting dirt on Biden. I don’t buy it. Maybe the president wanted a good recipe for chicken tortilla soup, or help doing taxes, maybe even some movie recommendations. We don’t know. The favor could have been anything. Where’s the crime in that?”
Rudy relaxes.
“Look, we’re not worried about this impeachment witch hunt because it’s all a pile of B.S. The president is the greatest one we’ve ever had. Look at the economy. His big beautiful wall. His tax cut that put millions of dollars in Bobby blue collar’s pocket and Larry the laborer’s lunchpail. America has never been in better shape. The facts can’t be disputed. Maybe the only thing he is guilty of is caring too much about his people, and we should be thankful for that!”
Rudy shakes his head, mops his brow with a hankie, wrings it out into a bucket.
“And let’s face it, hypothetically speaking, reality doesn’t exist. He can’t be guilty. President Trump’s outside this dimension.”
He rests his case.
11 responses to “Rudy Presents His Defense For Trump Against Impeachment”
[…] Batman and Robin, Abbott and Costello, Lime JELL-O and mini-marshmallows–– those famous pairs have got nothing on Trump and Giuliani. […]
[…] to the torch and pitchfork crowd in Congress and said, “Hey, here’s our response to your stupid impeachment inquiry–– suck it. We ain’t […]
[…] Mr. Giuliani continued his chore of licking the president’s wingtips and was heard muttering, “You’re the best boss. The absolute best.” […]
[…] The story of Donald J. Trump is now legendary–– how he was born into abject poverty and once admitted to his father he had […]
[…] fifteen, one hundred times. Poo still not go away. Trump wants one flush. Only one flush. For this Democrats wish to remove him from office. They are evil. Vote Trump 2020. Protect America. Make poo go […]
[…] bullshit. My impeachment is an achievement. It was a total witch hunt conducted by the Democrats. The only reason they’re doing it is […]
[…] “I have been treated very badly by the Democrats,” he said. “Their impeachment is a total witch hunt. It’s awful what they do to me for making a perfect call.” […]
[…] “It makes my blood boil,” he says sparkling those dreamy baby blues. “These Democrats are wasting taxpayer money with this ridiculous impeachment mess. It’s like they’re not even listening to the president–– he’s said it a thousand times–– the whole thing is a sham, a hoax. He did nothing wrong. A perfect call. Perfect!“ […]
[…] Rudy Giuliani may have made his bones as the Mayor of New York City, but he will be best remembered for his heroic efforts to save democracy by ensuring President Donald J. Trump receives justice in the presidential election in which he was cheated. […]
[…] strong. I am also going to build a big, beautiful wall around the White House to protect me against impeachment from crazy Democrat socialists. And my wall will have a moat with snakes, alligators, and Godzilla with a nuclear […]
[…] What about Mr. Giuliani and Ms. Powell? Are they also […]