Today President Donald J. Trump gave federal employees a bonus they never counted on–– luxury accommodations when they travel.
“I’m very concerned about the efficiency and productivity of our federal employees,” Trump said in a press conference. “I hired a group of hospitality experts from the prestigious firm of ID&E*, and they ran a multi-million dollar study. What they discovered was incredibly disturbing. Our federal employees are not working up to their full potential because they become exhausted when they travel. And that inefficiency is costing American taxpayers billions of dollars every day. I won’t stand for that!”
Trump signed an executive order dictating that all federal employees must stay at a Trump property when traveling on government business. The new policy is effective immediately.
“This is really the only sensible solution,” the president said. “Trump properties know how to treat weary travelers so they rest completely. The sheets are six million thread count. Very comfortable sheets. You’ve never wet a sheet like this. The beds are plush, and the pillows are made exclusively from goose feathers plucked from geese that laid golden eggs. Pure luxury. And the food is incredibly delicious. You can get a slice of chocolate cake you can’t believe. It’s so good.”
The president began drooling as his chief of staff Mick Mulvaney sopped it up with a towel.
Staying at the luxury accommodations will be more expensive than current government-approved properties, but Trump believes the return on investment will be enormous.
“Federal employees will be able to do so much more after they have a great night’s sleep and $142 breakfast. I think people will be amazed at the results. It will probably add eighteen trillion dollars to the government’s bottom line.”
A reporter from The Lint Screen asked what happens to those employees traveling to cities that don’t have a Trump property?
“We’ve thought about that so I’ll answer your stupid question,” the president said. “It’s easy. The employee will stay at the closest Trump property and we’ll fly them in and out of the city they have to work in. That’s the only humane thing to do. I care about our federal employees very much.”
You have to admire The Big Guy–– he not only has a big heart but a brain also!
*Ivanka, Don Jr., & Eric Hospitality Consultants
13 responses to “Federal Employees Required To Stay In Trump Properties”
[…] “That’s right, honey,” Amerca’s CEO said stroking her golden locks. “Gary Busey’s the best. I only hire the best. Busey’s a tremendous guy. Incredible talent. He’ll know how to keep our country safe and secure. He told me he’s been in a bunch of bar fights and he always wins. I like winners.“ […]
[…] Some of the things he does are kind of, I don’t know, shady. Like having himself and other people in the government stay at Trump properties. And allowing foreign government folks and lobbyists to stay at his properties. And for […]
[…] to do? Give them a pass? Let them ruin innocent lives? No! He stands for playing fair. Donald Trump is a good citizen. An upright guy. Where’s the crime in […]
[…] The president is especially irate about the anonymous whistleblower. […]
[…] J. Trump has always been a crackerjack businessman, and he runs the United States of America with the same efficient and determined drive for […]
[…] which is up by Iceland and Greenland. By the way, Greenland, if you’re listening, I have such a deal to buy you. Call me. Let’s […]
[…] The Republicans have been working hard to solve high drug prices, healthcare costs, crumbling infrastructure, skyrocketing national debt, guns, and opioids while the liberals are working hard to rid America of its greatest president! […]
[…] Who has time to watch the news when you’re running the world’s greatest country? Look, I’m too busy doing my job to bother with such […]
[…] is too limiting for Trump. Elections every four years–– why that’s just silly! We need to make him our Emperor and almighty ruler. If we do that now, we can eliminate this sham of an impeachment trial and get […]
[…] he always did in The Apprentice. The guy just knows how to fix any business. Hell, he’s even giving up billions of bucks a year he could be making so he can serve our country. We should all thank him. Being president is costing […]
[…] Trump takes a deep inhale and shakes it off, coming back to his usual chipper self. […]
[…] people suspect that Trump was leveraging selling U.S. weapons to Ukraine in return for investigating Biden which is a “no-no” in […]
[…] Adam Schiff was crying like a baby who lost his binky. “I knew President Trump is a great man and great leader,” Schiff said. “But I had no idea he was also a […]